Psalm 139

Last night I read Psalm 139 in a new way.  I deeply thought about the truth of how God feels about me, and God's love and acceptance washed over me like never before.  For the first time, I think, I truly felt His love.  Today, I personalized the psalm in first person.  My thoughts and confessions are below in between the verses of the psalm, which is in italics.  I hope and pray that it blesses you as much as God has blessed me in doing it.  Oh how he loves us!  Oh how he loves ME!  

1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.

I am known because I am important and you care about me.  You haven’t forgotten me or ignored me.  In fact, you know me better than anyone! 

2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
             You know my thoughts even when I’m far away..

You care about every little and seemingly insignificant part of my day.  You understand my emotions—even when I don’t. You know my deepest desires, regardless of my actions.  No matter where I am in life, if I am close to you in obedience or far away in stubborn, selfish disobedience, I am still your daughter and you care about what I am thinking about, good or bad. Even when I am far from you due to my own choices, you know and care about what I am worrying about.

 (3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. NASB)

You get me!  You not only get me, but you pay especially close attention to where I am going in life—even if it seems to me I am going nowhere.  You know all my struggles, quirks, challenges, hang-ups, and disappointments, but you also know my dreams, hopes, loves and desires. 

             

4 You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.

You know me so well you complete my sentences!  You help me use self-control to only use my words to build up instead of tearing down. 

5 You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.

You lead me and guide me.  But even when I get out in front of you and try to do things my way, you follow me to guide me back on track so that you can bless me. 

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

Your ways are far above my ways.  There is no way I can figure out what you know and how you know it and how you work in my life—so I shouldn’t even try.  I just need to trust you and stand in awe of your ways. 

7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!

8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.

9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.

You are everywhere I go because you are a part of me and I am a part of you.  Even if I am feeling weak and like a failure, and I make my life in a dark pit I created, you follow me there to give me strength and bring me home. 

(11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me. And the light around me will be night, NASB)

12  but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.

I get so overwhelmed with my problems and circumstances, I feel like they will surely consume me.  I feel like the light you have called me to be no longer shines and a shadow is cast by my life instead, leaving me to a joyless existence.  But no matter helpless I feel you are not overwhelmed by my problems and uncertainties.  You will find me in the depths of darkness and depression and help me shine my light again. 

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

You made every part of me special—my personality, my heart, my emotions.  You created me to be good.  There isn’t one single thing wrong with me.

14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

I am the way I am because you made me that way!  I’m thankful that I am so complex and passionate.  Who wants a robot!?  Everything that you make is good, especially me. 

15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

16 You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

When I was all alone being made in the darkness of my mother’s womb, you were there delighting in how wonderfully I was coming together. You’ve designed every part of me and my life to be good for me.  Nothing that I’ve done in life has surprised you or disappointed you because you knew it would happen.  You’ve been in control all along!  And you always will. 

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
    They cannot be numbered!

18 I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!

You think about me constantly.  You can’t get me out of your mind.  Everything that you do, you do for me because you are thinking about me.  Nothing else even compares to how much you think of me.   

19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
    Get out of my life, you murderers!

20 They blaspheme you;
    your enemies misuse your name.

21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
    Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?

22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
    for your enemies are my enemies.

There’s an enemy out there after my soul because he hates how much you love me and bless me.   He wants to kill every good thing that you’ve created in me.  He lies to me about myself, my life and you.  I hate the devil and his lies and everything he stands for.  I will wage war against the lies, God, but I need your help.  Please rescue your daughter from his evil plans. 

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
    and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Look deep into my being and calm my anxieties, fears, insecurities and doubts—the things that hurt too bad to even mention, things so deep that I don’t understand.  Show me where I do not trust you.  Show me what lies I believe about myself and about you.  Show me the parts of my flesh that you never intended on being there, so I can repent and be as pure as the day you created me.  Gently hold my hand and guide me back to the blessed life you created me to live.  Restore me back to your love.  

                            

                                                       (Psalm 139 NLT, unless otherwise noted)

The Day Noelle was Born

I had just got done working a very long week of teacher in service.  I didn’t do much but sit, but it was a big change from taking it easy at the house all summer, sleeping in, taking naps and cooling off in the pool.  It was the end of my 35^th week of pregnancy.  I was in so much pain—my lower back, hips, and abdomen.  I’d resorted to using a heating pad in August in Texas if that tell you how desperate I was.  Friday finally came and I was so glad to have the weekend ahead of me to rest and get stuff ready for the baby.  I still needed to pack the hospital bag and go to the store to get the remaining things I needed. I even had a massage scheduled on Saturday!  This was going to be a productive and restful weekend! 

But God had other plans…

Friday night at midnight I woke up to my water breaking, but I was one of those women who for some reason didn’t realize it.  I was currently getting up at least 3 times during the night to pee so I thought that I might have peed on myself because Noelle was right on my bladder.  I went to the bathroom, but it kept on coming out at so I just tucked a wash cloth in my panties and tried to go back to sleep.  I didn’t think I could be truly going into labor because I was barely 36 weeks, my bag wasn’t packed, and I didn’t have any contractions.  I did have cramps, but I’d been having all sorts of pain down there so I just took some Tylenol, not thinking anything about it.  Furthermore, I didn’t want to go to the hospital!  This could not be it!!  All I wanted to do was sleep. 

But first I did what any normal person would do.  I had to google it.  All I got was a confusing bunch of responses on how to tell if it was truly your water breaking.  Typical.  After googling something, I am only more lost.  Finally, I woke up Ashton.  

“I think that my water broke, but I don’t have any contractions,” I said.

“No, I don’t think that’s what it is.  It’s this other thing that the Prepared Childbirth class told us about that you’d think is your water breaking,” Ashton said.

“I don’t remember, but I guess that you’re right,” I said, thinking that I haven’t been able to remember anything in quite some time.  Surely he has more of a brain than me at this point. 

We prayed together and went back to sleep.  It was pretty frustrating trying to sleep with all of this fluid gushing out of me, so I kept on having to change out the washcloths.  (Stupid?  Yes.  But don’t judge.  At least I wasn’t one of those girls you hear about who give birth and didn’t even know they were pregnant! Sorry if one of those girls is reading this.  But seriously, you didn’t even know you were pregnant?!)

In the morning Ashton got up to run and I stayed in bed to sleep in.  Ashton came back in to tell me that he’d talked with his friend, Brandon on his run who’d confirmed that his wife had the same thing happen, but it wasn’t her water.  They had diagnosed me.  I was definitely not in labor.  Hmmm, I thought.  That’s weird. 

Ashton left again to take Nola for a walk and I got up out of bed to call the doctor’s office just for a piece of mind so that they could tell me about this mysterious other thing that happens that is exactly like your water breaking but isn’t.  I told them what had happened and they said to go to Triage at the Hospital immediately.  I was going to have a baby today.  My stomach tightened and my chest got heavy.  Oh. My. Gosh. 

I’ll never forget the emotions that swept over me.  I was half doubting, half scared and half excited.  Would this really be the day that I gave birth?  Will they just send me back home?  It was not like I’d planned at all.  I didn’t even feel any contractions!  I called Ashton to come back home and said we had to go to the hospital.  I called my mom and told her that we were going to the hospital and she said she’d meet us there. 

I started crying as the emotions overwhelmed me.  I couldn’t think.  I tried to start packing my bag and went into the bathroom to straighten my bangs.  I was actually about to put on some makeup.  Ashton came in.  “What are you doing?” he said.  “I will straighten my bangs,” I said, daring him to try and stop me.  “And my bag’s not ready.”  “We’ll come back for it,” he said.  “Ok, let’s go,” I said.  “Just let me straighten my bangs first.” 

We got in the car.  Why was he driving so slow?  I started to get angry and worried that we’d waited so long.  I was hoping and praying that Noelle was still ok.  Did she have enough fluid still in there to keep her alive?  I could still feel her move, so that gave me some peace.  My sisters were texting how excited they were.  I texted back, not to get too excited yet.  This wasn’t it.  It couldn’t be.  I just knew they’d send me back home. 

We finally made it to the hospital and I calmly walked into Triage and told them that I think my water broke.  I filled out some paper work and changed into my gown.

After my exam they confirmed that my water had broken.  I will not cry, I thought to myself.  I will not cry.  I will cry.  And I did.  Oh wow.  I’m about to have my baby. 

I guess I was going to have to call and cancel my massage today after all.  

When I got to my room, we started talking about pain medicine.  I was only dilated a little bit, not even a centimeter yet.  They were worried about infection since my water had broken so long ago.  It had been 9 or 10 hours at this point, and I wasn’t dilating so they were going to give me pitocin to speed things up.  They asked if I was getting an epidural.  I said yes, but not right now.  They told me that the pitocin would really get my contractions going and if I was going to get one, I’d better go ahead.  Oh no, I thought.  This was one of the other things I’d googled a lot.  I was afraid that getting an epidural too soon would stall the labor.  I thought I wouldn’t be able to push.  Frankly at this point I was more concerned that I couldn’t eat anything all day. Oh well.  Let’s do this.

I ended up getting the epidural right away since they assured me it wouldn’t slow down labor because of the pitocin— and I didn’t want to feel those contractions!  Right then all I felt was moderate cramps.  And that’s basically the most I felt as far as pain is concerned.  So if you are going to get an epidural, but have any reservations about getting it too early, don’t.  It’s pure heaven.  And if I wasn’t already married, I probably would have tried to marry the anesthesiologist. 

Finally at 4:00, I was ready to push.  Luckily, I could feel the contractions, but not the pain, so I knew when to push.  I was so thirsty, but barely had time between pushing to munch down a piece of ice that Ashton gave me.  I kept thinking, how is this supposed to even happen?

After 30 minutes of pushing, Noelle was born.  I will never forget how wonderful that felt—what a relief and release!  I instantly started to cry.  My baby was here!  They laid her on me and I didn’t even care that she was all messy.  I kissed her so many times and kept exclaiming, “You’re perfect, you’re so perfect!”  My baby angel girl had arrived!  Noelle Celeste Prejean, 6 lbs. 7 oz. 18 ½ in, was born at 4:29 P.M. on August 18, 2012.  Our lives will never be the same! 

Things started to die down and I was finally able to eat.  They had taken Noelle to the nursery and I was the only one in the room as I ate—just me and my thoughts.  It was so peaceful and I was so happy.   Did this all really just happen?  It was all so surreal. 

I finally got moved to my recovery room, but they still had Noelle in the nursery.  She had some fluid in her lungs and were keeping her in there for a while for X-rays and exams.  Finally after 9 P.M. they brought her to my room. After I got to see my baby again, it felt like all was right in the world.  They kept her in the nursery over night for observation because she was making a grunting noise and because she was a late preterm baby. 

I was so exhausted, I barely remember the rest of the night.  I had to ask Ashton if they even brought her to me to breastfeed.  Which they did, I was just so tired I couldn’t remember.  At that point, deciding to sleep for 8 more hours instead of going into the hospital at midnight when my water broke seemed like a pretty good decision. 

The next morning, they brought her to me, and I got to keep her in my room.  We were finally able to bond!  We cuddled and practiced breastfeeding.  I was able to care for her all on my own!  She slept the night in my room and I enjoyed every bit of waking up to feed her.  It was just her and me…and Ashton asleep on the couch :).  I loved watching her sleep on me—a perfect angel. 

The next day, the nursery nurse came in.  I couldn’t wait to tell her how good she was doing.  She had other news to give. 

They were taking my baby to NICU.  Her blood sugar was low and she was still grunting.  They were worried about an infection.  I could feel the hot tears begin to form in my eyes as my nose burned.  My heart had been broken.  “Do you have to take her now?” I asked.  She said yes.  I couldn’t believe this was happening.  I had been so glad that even with Noelle being born 4 weeks early, she was healthy enough to go to the regular nursery instead of NICU at first. 

Having to give my baby up like that after we had spent time loving on each other was terrible.  I know that this was what was best for her, but it tore me up.  I held it together for a little while, but after the nurse wheeled my precious Noelle out the door, I lost it and just wept.  I felt so empty—so helpless. 

I went to NICU every 3 hours to visit Noelle and spent at least 2 hours in there, feeding, pumping, changing, holding. . .wishing, praying.  I’d go back to my room for a short time to rest and then go back.  I was exhausted.  I was tortured.  I lay in bed and looked at the pictures I had of her from that day when we bonded.  I cried all night that night. 

The 24 hours that Noelle was in NICU was the longest and some of the most horrible moments of my life.  I know that other parents have babies in there for weeks and have to go home with out them.  I don’t know how they do it.  I hated seeing my baby hooked up with all of those wires.  I hated having to leave my room to go down there to see her and feed her.  The worst part was feeling like my baby wasn’t my baby at all.  I couldn’t wait to go home with her.

After 4 days in the hospital, we could both go home!  Noelle ended up not having an infection, but I’m glad that we took the precautions.  The day she was born was probably the best day of my life, but the day we went home would be a close second.  This is where our story would truly begin.  We would start this amazing journey together as mother and daughter!  The gift I’d always wanted.  God has truly given me the desire of my heart.    

Noelle, you amaze me.  You are such a sweet angel.  Everyone says how beautiful you are and what a doll you are.  They’re right.  But you are so much more.  You’ve stolen my heart and I’ll never be the same.  You’ve come so far and learned so much in such a brief period of time.  You’ve taught me so much too—like how to be patient when you need me in the middle of the night--again.  Even though it’s hard to lose so much sleep, I treasure holding you and comforting you back to sleep.  I will never stop loving you or praying for you.  I can’t wait until I can braid your hair and paint your nails.  I’m going to love playing dress up with you, going shopping with you and teaching you all about style.  It’s going to be great when you and I can talk and talk for hours about anything.  I am honored to be your mommy, Noelle.  I love you more than words can say…more than you’ll ever know.  

Getting ready to have a baby!!

Presenting Noelle Celeste Prejean! 

Perfection! 

Love at first sight! 

Proud parents 

I can't stop looking at this angel! 

Taking it all in

I love my mommy's kisses! 

Sleeping Angel

Cuddle time 

About to go HOME!!!!!

My New Year's Resolution for 2013

 As this year draws to a close, we are all thinking about the past year—about our sorrows: the things we’d like to do differently and about our joys: the things that made the year worth living.  We talk about New Years Resolutions because we believe in fresh starts.  We believe that God makes all things new (Rev. 21:5).  

But why is it that we think that after a certain year or age that we will magically be changed?  I stopped having real New Years Resolutions a while back because they never worked.  I never was able to stick with it to make the change. After all, how can I fail if I don’t ever make a goal?  I think that I always failed eventually because I tried to rely on my own efforts to change.  True change doesn’t come from trying hard or our good intentions.  It comes from God.  We know this, but as with all of God's Ways, it is easier said than done.  

One of the most profound things that God has ever told me is (Who am I kidding?  When God speaks, it’s all profound!) that just because I want something doesn’t mean I’ll get it.  I want a good marriage.  But if you wish in one and you know what in the other, see which one fills up first.  Wanting does nothing unless you surrender and do things God’s ways. 

This New Year of 2013, the only thing I want more of is God.  I want His Presence and His Peace.  His word tells us that we already have these things—“You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever” (Psalms 16:11 NLT).  All we have to do is Trust that He will do what He says. 

So as 2012 comes to a close, just like everyone else I will think about the past year—about my sorrows: the things I’d like to do differently and my joys: the things that made this year worth living.   I will look forward to 2013 with great expectation as an artist looks at a blank canvas—full of possibility.  The only resolve that I will make is to seek His Peace and His Presence above all else because in His Presence our problems and circumstances don’t seem to matter as we fill our lives with the fullness of His Joy.  

Treasure the Trials

What an amazing journey this first year teaching has been! It’s still not over yet, but I am feeling the need to reminisce and process what I can so far. I have felt God so much in the midst of trials, tribulations, and overwhelming stress this year. What has been even more overwhelming though is God’s love and will for me.

So many answered prayers mark this year. First, I got a job—one in teaching—during a difficult economic time when teachers were getting laid off left and right. And the people I work with are absolutely amazing! Everyone loves God. I have been very encouraged this year, and it helps to have people you can confide in who share your same beliefs. Not only that, but they all have a great sense of humor! Laughter has really kept me going! My principal Donna Hart has been such a mentor this year. Her gentle spirit has taught and encouraged me. I feel like she really understands me and truly appreciates my hard work. Not only that, she is super fun! My assistant principal Matt Daniels reminds me of what Jesus is like. He is gentle, kind and wise beyond his years. It has been a blessing beyond anything I could have imagined to work with these wonderful, godly people. I thank God every day for the people he has place in my life to help me travel this path. Though it has been bumpy and twisted, they never criticized or cut me down. I of course cannot forget Dr. George, our superintendent who has been such an inspiration to us all. Although I don’t get to work with her as closely as I do the principals and other teachers, I feel her fervent prayers in a real way. I deeply respect her hard work and dedication to Newman. All of the good that has come our way has come because our leader trusts and fears God.

The best thing of all, of course, is that God has also chosen Ashton and me to be blessed with the promise of a child! I am beyond overwhelmed as I think about the reality of the gift he has place inside of me. Still, being pregnant with my first child has presented additional challenges in an already stressful and exhausting situation, but God has led me the whole way—a way I did not know. I don’t know how I managed feeling sick and exhausted, but I kept going because God was holding my hand. I will never forget how on our first day back of the New Year for teacher training, everyone gathered around me and prayed that God would bless me with a child. We found out that I was pregnant only a few weeks later! How big is God!? And who gets to work with people like that outside of ministry?! The students and staff have been so supportive and excited for us as their eyes have been unceasingly upon my growing belly! It’s such an incredible blessing to share in the joy of a child on the way with such wonderful people.

This year the enemy, however, has come against me strongly and attacked me with anxiety and fear. He has sent gossipers and naysayers to try and destroy my spirit, but I know that I do not get my identity from approval from the others. God is well pleased with me and that is all that matters. I know with out a doubt that God will complete the good work that He has begun in me (Phil. 1:6), specifically as this school year draws to a close. I have learned that I can’t do it all, and I can’t do it all perfectly. God has completely filled in the parts that I was unable to. He is beginning to teach me about what really matters in life and how to have joy in unfavorable circumstances. His favor, however, has been upon my life immensely. The comfort and approval heart idols in my life are coming down! God alone is my comforter and worth. Things that once seemed like insurmountable giants in my life--anxiety, fear, emotions and discomfort—are nothing when compared with the peace and understanding that a life with Jesus brings when you fully and recklessly trust him.

I know that I still have much to learn. My life is about to be turned upside down—in a good way! — when we welcome our precious baby in September. I believe that so many of the lessons I have learned this year have been about the baby. God is equipping me as I begin to step out into my destiny. I will treasure this year forever.

Content and Carefree Living

“So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you” (1 Peter 5:6-7 TMB).

Content and carefree is how we should live if we really believe that God is in control. Therefore, faith is really all that is required of us. But why is faith so difficult, even though it is so simple? The answer is because our feelings are in direct opposition with faith. Faith is not a feeling.

This is hard for me since I am such an emotional being and I go by my feelings as many women do. Going with your “intuition” or feelings can be beneficial, but it can also be detrimental if it gets in the way of our faith, which hinders our freedom. "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1 NIV). The Amplified Bible adds that “faith [is] perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses.”

I am willful and passionate. I often go by my feelings and what I want to do or not want to do. My personality does not serve me well when I don’t want to do something. I always fall back on the verse that God will give me the “desires of [my] heart,” therefore, I should get a say in what I want to do. That is partly true, however, the full context of that verse is:

“Trust in the LORD and do good; 
dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD;
and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD,
trust also in Him, and He will do it” (Psalm 37:3-5 NASB).

That famous verse is sandwiched in between two other verses that instruct us to “Trust in the Lord” and to “commit you way to the Lord, trust also in Him.” We must trust in him and commit our ways to his ways as Jesus said," not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42). We must believe that God’s plans are indeed, “plans to prosper [us] and not to harm [us], plans to give [us] hope and a future” (Jerimiah 29:11 NIV). We must believe that “ without faith is is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6 NKJV). We must believe that HE IS. God is…

· In control

· For me

· My rock an my redeemer

· My comforter

· Faithful

· love

· My Father

· Lord of my life

· Good

· The Great I AM

I believe that God does want to reward us with good things, “exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think [even beyond the desires of our heart], according to the power that works in us” (Ephesians 3:20 NKJV), but I also believe that he first wants us to believe and have faith that He is. That is the power that works in us.

Lord, as the father of the possessed boy cried out, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24 NIV) so that I can live a content and carefree life trusting in you!

When Trials Come Your Way...

I would like to say the reason that I haven’t written in my blog lately is because I have been utterly consumed with my job and have had no time, although that is totally true. Perhaps the main reason I have not written more is because what I have been going through is so hard and so personal that I hesitated to share it because the feelings were so raw, I didn't know how transparent I could be. Transparency is the best way to be. Let's just start with the facts.

This has been a crazy year.

The year 2011 started off with the planning of my littlest sister’s wedding on May 21. All the while, I am unhappy subbing and looking for full time work and insurance so that Ashton and I could start planning our family. An answered prayer happened May 5^th when I was offered a full time teaching job in the fall. We took a much needed 3-week vacation in Florida during the summer. During that time, my other sister found out she was pregnant and Ashton’s grandmother found out she had cancer. There were also personal family issues with which I was dealing. We came back and it was time to get ready for the school year.

Before the job had even started I was unbelievably overwhelmed. Right after the first of the school year, Ashton’s grandmother passed away, a dear friend lost her life to a life-long battle with Cystic Fibrosis at only 26 years old, and I turned 30. I was constantly on the verge of tears that I would cry at anything. I have longed for 30 for so long because to me, it would be the age that I would be able to officially put the insecurity and foolishness of my 20’s behind me. How silly of me to think that I would magically change, as the clock struck midnight on August 29^th as if I were Cinderella. God would magically change me, but it wouldn’t be instant, that is for sure.

The past semester teaching has been the absolutely most difficult time in my life--constantly crying, wanting to quit every day. Words do not explain the pressure, stress and emotions that I felt—and still do. I am prone to be dramatic, however I say the following with certainty: My first semester teaching has been far more difficult than my dad passing away suddenly 3 months before I got married. And at the moment it seems more difficult than the torture-filled 3 years I spent battling an eating disorder. If this feeling were to last 3 years than it would with out a doubt be worse. The only thing I can compare the way I feel is to is the 3 years I spent in an emotionally abusive relationship, feeling trapped and powerless while everything in me literally screamed to get out. I am not comparing the situations, but rather the way I felt.

Perhaps the best way to explain it would be how Ashton does. He compares it to an illustration he once heard about a young child who gets a poisonous chemical splashed in his eyes. As his mother and father held his eye open under the water faucet to flush out the poison, he screams, “I hate you, mom and dad, I hate you!” because of the torturous pain. Although his parents knew it was best for their child to get the poison out, they were crying too because it hurt them to see their baby in such pain.

But only I am that child, screaming as God holds me under the faucet to get the poison out of my life.

It was truly the perfect storm: A first-year teacher at a first-year school teaching 6, 7, 8 and 9^th grade English with no books, no computers or technology, no white board, no desks, no lesson plans—only a confusing mess of CSCOPE curriculum.

But God…

Only God could orchestrate such a perfect storm. He knows that I have to go through this and deep down inside, I know that God is Lord over my situation. His handiwork is so obvious throughout all of this. I work with the most amazing people. God knew that this would be tough so he has placed me in the company of such a godly group of people to protect and comfort me. Despite the impossible circumstances, my work environment is always positive, uplifting and covered with prayer. The miraculous help that God has sent my way proves that He is leading me by a way I do not know and guiding me along unfamiliar paths. He is turning darkness into light before me and making the crooked places smooth. He is doing these things and He WILL NOT FORSAKE ME (Isaiah 42:16).

Nevertheless, this remains the hardest thing I have ever been through.

I know that it is so hard because I am trying to do all of the things that He wants to do through me. I don’t get how to stop striving and trying so hard because that is all I’ve ever done. Plus, I really am in a real situation that is really impossible. I am not simply making this up. I have a right to feel this way, right? Don't answer that. But how do you just stop trying when you have no clue how to? God knows that if I knew how to, I would take the credit for it and that is not what He wants.

Giving up control happens everyday, in the trenches when the enemy’s fire is relentless and my emotions are out of control.

I will say: I give it to you, God. I trust you. I will be joyful in this moment.

I know that I must consider it pure joy when trials come my way because God is perfecting my faith (James 1:2), but truthfully I look forward to the time that this is all over and I can look back in retrospect at the greatest year of my life. I know that I won’t even recognize myself when this thing is over and for that I must give God praise.

Revelations at the gym of God and Life

If you are like me, you get your best ideas and revelation when you are just doing ordinary, every day things like driving or going to the gym. I want to share a couple of revelations that really lifted my spirits today as I was working out at the gym.

1. Jesus loves us. Although this concept is as old as the world, it hit me fresh as I heard “Oh How He Loves Us” on my iPod at the gym. I love how God gives fresh revelation in the most unlikely times. As I looked at each one of God’s precious children, I fought back tears lest the other gym goers think that I need medical assistance. We are each so precious to Him and He loves us just as we are--flaws, messy life, bad habits and all. God loves us. God. Loves. Us. He loves us. This is really all that I need to get in this life to be free. As John 3:16 says: "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son." Thank you God for elucidating those tried, yet true Words.

2. In order to focus, I have to be doing the thing. This one is also another mountain for me but it hit me as I was thinking about how I hate the gym. I hate it…until I finish, of course. But it isn’t until I actually put on my tennis shoes and do the thing that I need to do before I start to enjoy it and I can focus on doing it. I lament all of the time: I need to have a more regular quiet time, I need to pick up more, I need to do this... or whatever. But I am not doing it. If I could only DO IT, then I could focus! This Scripture came to mind: “…but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth to those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13-14). The feeling and the focus will come, but for now I just need to DO IT and forget about the rest!

A Prayerful Poem

As I sat down to pray, I became a little overwhelmed as I usually do when I actually think about everything that I want to pray for. The Bible tells us not worry about anything, but to pray about everything. I take this seriously, because of how much I am prone to worry. I also am prone to wonder and have some trouble focusing. I want to go do something that is urgent instead of something that is important. Then I remembered hearing John Piper talk about the importance of poetry in the Christian's life. He said that of all of the things that we spend our time on, poetry is probably one of the best. I am the best at wasting time and the worst at sitting still unless I am wasting time, but I do enjoy poetry very much. I thought that instead of struggling to focus and giving up on praying entirely, I wrote a quick poem with prayers for some of the closest people to me. Here is what I came up with.

God is faithful to meet our needs

According to his great goodness

He sent His only son to die

There is no greater love than this

Now that my soul’s been saved

I look around the ones I love

I close my eyes and sing a song

To my healing God who lives above

Lord, I pray for sister Haley

To rest and trust in none but You

To have the wedding of her dreams

And a godly marriage of Three, not two

For Joseph, my future brother in love

Please take care of all his needs

His career, school and future too

To be the husband Haley needs

Sister Megan, Lord keep her safe

Fulfill her every heart's desire

Give her peace and Your sweet rest

So doing good she’ll never tire

Her Husband Jason, I lift to You

Please guide him as he lives and works

Redeem His life with your saving grace

For the days are evil and darkness lurks

My Mama--who could ask for anything more

I’d love nothing else but her delight

To keep her healthy, living long

With no more tears and no more fight

My husband Ashton, what a man!

Help me to love him like no one can

Bless his job, his health, his life

Teach him to romance His lovely wife

God thank you for these souls

Most close and dear to me

In them I can sense Your grace

Your tender love and beauty

Oh God you have my heart and prayers

Your perfect plan is what I crave

Thank you for your loving ways

And that because of Jesus You forgave

Supernatural Faith

Hope means holding on to you. Grace means you’re holding me too. –JJ Heller

Trust and faith are easy statements to make. It is the acting it out part that gets a little difficult. Who I am kidding? Sometimes it seems down right impossible. But we know that with God all things are possible and that with out faith it is impossible to please God. It is God who makes us have faith when we trust him. Trust is a frame of mind or a heart condition more than an assertion or even an action. Trust is a choice. Faith will take you where you want to be, but trust will make it possible. It is to believe God over your feelings when we get disappointed and our feelings don’t line up with the Word of God.

Take my job situation for example. As I wait to hear back from the school I interviewed at to be a teacher, many things go through my mind. How disappointed and discouraged I will be if I don’t get the job. Or if I do get the job, how will I do? Will it stress me out and be too much for me to handle? Will I enjoy it? Am I really ready? What will I do if I don’t get the job? I, I, I, I, I. What do I know? What I really need to be saying is God, God, God, God! All of these ponderings are answered in the Word of God.

First, He will never leave me.

Second, God works all things out for good.

And Third, God knows the plans He has for me.

Ahhh. See I feel better already! Now the tricky part is just trying to focus on God instead of me. God’s way is always the best way, but sometimes we just need to get out of the way!

Lord, help me to have supernatural faith that can move mountains, but yet help me to stand as firm as a mountain. Your way is perfect because You are perfect. I love you. Thank you for being You. Amen.

True Beauty

“While you are here, I want to check your measurements,” the head seamstress of one of my favorite designers in Dallas said before a big fashion show in 2007. As she took my measurements and looked at my model card, she was appalled.

“I don’t understand,” she barked. “Your card says this, but you really are this size! What happened?”

“I gained weight,” I replied plainly.

“Well, maybe you should just work out or do something about this,” she asserted.

I cringed. Maybe she didn’t know that I was currently in the grips of an eating disorder and constantly struggled with being thin enough. Maybe she did, but didn’t care. Maybe she was like most everyone in the fashion industry that silently congratulated any means necessary to remain super thin. All she cared about was having a model that was thin enough to wear the clothes. The sad part was is that at this time I was probably a small size 4.

“I do work out—a lot actually. I just gained a little weight. Such is life,” I told her, trying not to care.

The truth was that I did care. I knew that I had been too thin and obsessed with being as thin as possible. I love food and just could not starve myself any longer, so I had begun to gain some weight. For the past year, my weight had gone up and down as I struggled to remain as small as possible and trying to feed or ignore my starving spirit within me. Gaining weight as a model is shameful. I was no good if I wasn’t a size 0 or 2. I left that studio and went home— to work out.

A few days later it was my birthday and the day of the big fashion show at Victory Park. I love fashion shows—the excitement, the clothes, the people, the music, the lights and cameras. I was excited to see what they had for me to wear. As I tried on a skinny little pencil skirt, I realized that I couldn’t pull it up all the way because it was too small—or I was just too big. I instantly thought back to the measuring tape incident where I had been found out to be bigger than my agency said I was. I thought about the evil seamstress who told me I needed to work out more because I was too big. One of the assistants kindly switched my outfit with another girl and now I had a beautiful flowing wrap skirt. I loved it!

Later as we were getting dressed into our first look for the fashion show, the evil seamstress was in the dressing rooms, barking orders and acting like a drill sergeant, "helping" everyone get ready. To her glory and satisfaction, she was probably thrilled that I, this fat model had to have her wardrobe edited to accommodate her large hips. She made it a point to tie my new wrap skirt very tight—so tight that she pinched my skin.

“Ouch!” I flinched as she caught some skin in the knot.

“Oh, is it too tight?” Hitler’s wife smiled.

What a b$%@! I thought. She was bent on making me pay for gaining weight, wasn’t she? I was no longer the ideal model size. I was disposable and replaceable. She just had to prove her point that I was too big for all of the clothes and she just couldn’t take it that I hadn’t been thrown out of the show.

I don’t remember too many fashion shows or photo shoots after that point. I finally cancelled my contract the next year and stopped modeling all together. I was getting help for my depression and eating disorder. I had also just met Ashton and was engaged. When I think back on my modeling career, I am happy I did it. I had lots of fun, traveled, took some really great pictures, met some fun people in the fashion world and went to some great parties and exciting photo shoots.

But God had something else in mind for me. People always tell me that I look like a model or tell me that I should model. I smile and say thanks. Sometimes I even tell them that I used to. They ask me why I don’t any more. I try to say as little as possible, like: Modeling is a very selfish and sick career. It just wasn’t for me. Then I throw in the funny comment about how I love food too much. They laugh and that’s about it. As glad as I am that I did it and now that I don’t do it any more, it has made me realize what true beauty is. True beauty is the person that is looking back at you when you look into the mirror. But is even more than that.

“Rather, beauty is something internal that can't be destroyed. Beauty expresses itself in a gentle and quiet attitude which God considers precious” (1 Peter 3:4 God’s Word Translation).

The modeling industry may never understand true, internal beauty. Most models may be perfect and flawless on the outside, but they are deeply disturbed and tortured on the inside because they have— like I have and many others have—believed the lie that your worth is based on a number on a scale, a number on a measuring tape, or a number on a pair of jeans. I am so thankful that God has healed me from believing that lie and I love the size that I am now!

God, help us as women to see ourselves as you do. Help us to cultivate our inner beauty from a gentle and graceful spirit that only you can provide.