Content and Carefree Living

“So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you” (1 Peter 5:6-7 TMB).

Content and carefree is how we should live if we really believe that God is in control. Therefore, faith is really all that is required of us. But why is faith so difficult, even though it is so simple? The answer is because our feelings are in direct opposition with faith. Faith is not a feeling.

This is hard for me since I am such an emotional being and I go by my feelings as many women do. Going with your “intuition” or feelings can be beneficial, but it can also be detrimental if it gets in the way of our faith, which hinders our freedom. "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1 NIV). The Amplified Bible adds that “faith [is] perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses.”

I am willful and passionate. I often go by my feelings and what I want to do or not want to do. My personality does not serve me well when I don’t want to do something. I always fall back on the verse that God will give me the “desires of [my] heart,” therefore, I should get a say in what I want to do. That is partly true, however, the full context of that verse is:

“Trust in the LORD and do good; 
dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD;
and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD,
trust also in Him, and He will do it” (Psalm 37:3-5 NASB).

That famous verse is sandwiched in between two other verses that instruct us to “Trust in the Lord” and to “commit you way to the Lord, trust also in Him.” We must trust in him and commit our ways to his ways as Jesus said," not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42). We must believe that God’s plans are indeed, “plans to prosper [us] and not to harm [us], plans to give [us] hope and a future” (Jerimiah 29:11 NIV). We must believe that “ without faith is is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6 NKJV). We must believe that HE IS. God is…

· In control

· For me

· My rock an my redeemer

· My comforter

· Faithful

· love

· My Father

· Lord of my life

· Good

· The Great I AM

I believe that God does want to reward us with good things, “exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think [even beyond the desires of our heart], according to the power that works in us” (Ephesians 3:20 NKJV), but I also believe that he first wants us to believe and have faith that He is. That is the power that works in us.

Lord, as the father of the possessed boy cried out, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24 NIV) so that I can live a content and carefree life trusting in you!

When Trials Come Your Way...

I would like to say the reason that I haven’t written in my blog lately is because I have been utterly consumed with my job and have had no time, although that is totally true. Perhaps the main reason I have not written more is because what I have been going through is so hard and so personal that I hesitated to share it because the feelings were so raw, I didn't know how transparent I could be. Transparency is the best way to be. Let's just start with the facts.

This has been a crazy year.

The year 2011 started off with the planning of my littlest sister’s wedding on May 21. All the while, I am unhappy subbing and looking for full time work and insurance so that Ashton and I could start planning our family. An answered prayer happened May 5^th when I was offered a full time teaching job in the fall. We took a much needed 3-week vacation in Florida during the summer. During that time, my other sister found out she was pregnant and Ashton’s grandmother found out she had cancer. There were also personal family issues with which I was dealing. We came back and it was time to get ready for the school year.

Before the job had even started I was unbelievably overwhelmed. Right after the first of the school year, Ashton’s grandmother passed away, a dear friend lost her life to a life-long battle with Cystic Fibrosis at only 26 years old, and I turned 30. I was constantly on the verge of tears that I would cry at anything. I have longed for 30 for so long because to me, it would be the age that I would be able to officially put the insecurity and foolishness of my 20’s behind me. How silly of me to think that I would magically change, as the clock struck midnight on August 29^th as if I were Cinderella. God would magically change me, but it wouldn’t be instant, that is for sure.

The past semester teaching has been the absolutely most difficult time in my life--constantly crying, wanting to quit every day. Words do not explain the pressure, stress and emotions that I felt—and still do. I am prone to be dramatic, however I say the following with certainty: My first semester teaching has been far more difficult than my dad passing away suddenly 3 months before I got married. And at the moment it seems more difficult than the torture-filled 3 years I spent battling an eating disorder. If this feeling were to last 3 years than it would with out a doubt be worse. The only thing I can compare the way I feel is to is the 3 years I spent in an emotionally abusive relationship, feeling trapped and powerless while everything in me literally screamed to get out. I am not comparing the situations, but rather the way I felt.

Perhaps the best way to explain it would be how Ashton does. He compares it to an illustration he once heard about a young child who gets a poisonous chemical splashed in his eyes. As his mother and father held his eye open under the water faucet to flush out the poison, he screams, “I hate you, mom and dad, I hate you!” because of the torturous pain. Although his parents knew it was best for their child to get the poison out, they were crying too because it hurt them to see their baby in such pain.

But only I am that child, screaming as God holds me under the faucet to get the poison out of my life.

It was truly the perfect storm: A first-year teacher at a first-year school teaching 6, 7, 8 and 9^th grade English with no books, no computers or technology, no white board, no desks, no lesson plans—only a confusing mess of CSCOPE curriculum.

But God…

Only God could orchestrate such a perfect storm. He knows that I have to go through this and deep down inside, I know that God is Lord over my situation. His handiwork is so obvious throughout all of this. I work with the most amazing people. God knew that this would be tough so he has placed me in the company of such a godly group of people to protect and comfort me. Despite the impossible circumstances, my work environment is always positive, uplifting and covered with prayer. The miraculous help that God has sent my way proves that He is leading me by a way I do not know and guiding me along unfamiliar paths. He is turning darkness into light before me and making the crooked places smooth. He is doing these things and He WILL NOT FORSAKE ME (Isaiah 42:16).

Nevertheless, this remains the hardest thing I have ever been through.

I know that it is so hard because I am trying to do all of the things that He wants to do through me. I don’t get how to stop striving and trying so hard because that is all I’ve ever done. Plus, I really am in a real situation that is really impossible. I am not simply making this up. I have a right to feel this way, right? Don't answer that. But how do you just stop trying when you have no clue how to? God knows that if I knew how to, I would take the credit for it and that is not what He wants.

Giving up control happens everyday, in the trenches when the enemy’s fire is relentless and my emotions are out of control.

I will say: I give it to you, God. I trust you. I will be joyful in this moment.

I know that I must consider it pure joy when trials come my way because God is perfecting my faith (James 1:2), but truthfully I look forward to the time that this is all over and I can look back in retrospect at the greatest year of my life. I know that I won’t even recognize myself when this thing is over and for that I must give God praise.

Revelations at the gym of God and Life

If you are like me, you get your best ideas and revelation when you are just doing ordinary, every day things like driving or going to the gym. I want to share a couple of revelations that really lifted my spirits today as I was working out at the gym.

1. Jesus loves us. Although this concept is as old as the world, it hit me fresh as I heard “Oh How He Loves Us” on my iPod at the gym. I love how God gives fresh revelation in the most unlikely times. As I looked at each one of God’s precious children, I fought back tears lest the other gym goers think that I need medical assistance. We are each so precious to Him and He loves us just as we are--flaws, messy life, bad habits and all. God loves us. God. Loves. Us. He loves us. This is really all that I need to get in this life to be free. As John 3:16 says: "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son." Thank you God for elucidating those tried, yet true Words.

2. In order to focus, I have to be doing the thing. This one is also another mountain for me but it hit me as I was thinking about how I hate the gym. I hate it…until I finish, of course. But it isn’t until I actually put on my tennis shoes and do the thing that I need to do before I start to enjoy it and I can focus on doing it. I lament all of the time: I need to have a more regular quiet time, I need to pick up more, I need to do this... or whatever. But I am not doing it. If I could only DO IT, then I could focus! This Scripture came to mind: “…but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth to those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13-14). The feeling and the focus will come, but for now I just need to DO IT and forget about the rest!

A Prayerful Poem

As I sat down to pray, I became a little overwhelmed as I usually do when I actually think about everything that I want to pray for. The Bible tells us not worry about anything, but to pray about everything. I take this seriously, because of how much I am prone to worry. I also am prone to wonder and have some trouble focusing. I want to go do something that is urgent instead of something that is important. Then I remembered hearing John Piper talk about the importance of poetry in the Christian's life. He said that of all of the things that we spend our time on, poetry is probably one of the best. I am the best at wasting time and the worst at sitting still unless I am wasting time, but I do enjoy poetry very much. I thought that instead of struggling to focus and giving up on praying entirely, I wrote a quick poem with prayers for some of the closest people to me. Here is what I came up with.

God is faithful to meet our needs

According to his great goodness

He sent His only son to die

There is no greater love than this

Now that my soul’s been saved

I look around the ones I love

I close my eyes and sing a song

To my healing God who lives above

Lord, I pray for sister Haley

To rest and trust in none but You

To have the wedding of her dreams

And a godly marriage of Three, not two

For Joseph, my future brother in love

Please take care of all his needs

His career, school and future too

To be the husband Haley needs

Sister Megan, Lord keep her safe

Fulfill her every heart's desire

Give her peace and Your sweet rest

So doing good she’ll never tire

Her Husband Jason, I lift to You

Please guide him as he lives and works

Redeem His life with your saving grace

For the days are evil and darkness lurks

My Mama--who could ask for anything more

I’d love nothing else but her delight

To keep her healthy, living long

With no more tears and no more fight

My husband Ashton, what a man!

Help me to love him like no one can

Bless his job, his health, his life

Teach him to romance His lovely wife

God thank you for these souls

Most close and dear to me

In them I can sense Your grace

Your tender love and beauty

Oh God you have my heart and prayers

Your perfect plan is what I crave

Thank you for your loving ways

And that because of Jesus You forgave

Supernatural Faith

Hope means holding on to you. Grace means you’re holding me too. –JJ Heller

Trust and faith are easy statements to make. It is the acting it out part that gets a little difficult. Who I am kidding? Sometimes it seems down right impossible. But we know that with God all things are possible and that with out faith it is impossible to please God. It is God who makes us have faith when we trust him. Trust is a frame of mind or a heart condition more than an assertion or even an action. Trust is a choice. Faith will take you where you want to be, but trust will make it possible. It is to believe God over your feelings when we get disappointed and our feelings don’t line up with the Word of God.

Take my job situation for example. As I wait to hear back from the school I interviewed at to be a teacher, many things go through my mind. How disappointed and discouraged I will be if I don’t get the job. Or if I do get the job, how will I do? Will it stress me out and be too much for me to handle? Will I enjoy it? Am I really ready? What will I do if I don’t get the job? I, I, I, I, I. What do I know? What I really need to be saying is God, God, God, God! All of these ponderings are answered in the Word of God.

First, He will never leave me.

Second, God works all things out for good.

And Third, God knows the plans He has for me.

Ahhh. See I feel better already! Now the tricky part is just trying to focus on God instead of me. God’s way is always the best way, but sometimes we just need to get out of the way!

Lord, help me to have supernatural faith that can move mountains, but yet help me to stand as firm as a mountain. Your way is perfect because You are perfect. I love you. Thank you for being You. Amen.

True Beauty

“While you are here, I want to check your measurements,” the head seamstress of one of my favorite designers in Dallas said before a big fashion show in 2007. As she took my measurements and looked at my model card, she was appalled.

“I don’t understand,” she barked. “Your card says this, but you really are this size! What happened?”

“I gained weight,” I replied plainly.

“Well, maybe you should just work out or do something about this,” she asserted.

I cringed. Maybe she didn’t know that I was currently in the grips of an eating disorder and constantly struggled with being thin enough. Maybe she did, but didn’t care. Maybe she was like most everyone in the fashion industry that silently congratulated any means necessary to remain super thin. All she cared about was having a model that was thin enough to wear the clothes. The sad part was is that at this time I was probably a small size 4.

“I do work out—a lot actually. I just gained a little weight. Such is life,” I told her, trying not to care.

The truth was that I did care. I knew that I had been too thin and obsessed with being as thin as possible. I love food and just could not starve myself any longer, so I had begun to gain some weight. For the past year, my weight had gone up and down as I struggled to remain as small as possible and trying to feed or ignore my starving spirit within me. Gaining weight as a model is shameful. I was no good if I wasn’t a size 0 or 2. I left that studio and went home— to work out.

A few days later it was my birthday and the day of the big fashion show at Victory Park. I love fashion shows—the excitement, the clothes, the people, the music, the lights and cameras. I was excited to see what they had for me to wear. As I tried on a skinny little pencil skirt, I realized that I couldn’t pull it up all the way because it was too small—or I was just too big. I instantly thought back to the measuring tape incident where I had been found out to be bigger than my agency said I was. I thought about the evil seamstress who told me I needed to work out more because I was too big. One of the assistants kindly switched my outfit with another girl and now I had a beautiful flowing wrap skirt. I loved it!

Later as we were getting dressed into our first look for the fashion show, the evil seamstress was in the dressing rooms, barking orders and acting like a drill sergeant, "helping" everyone get ready. To her glory and satisfaction, she was probably thrilled that I, this fat model had to have her wardrobe edited to accommodate her large hips. She made it a point to tie my new wrap skirt very tight—so tight that she pinched my skin.

“Ouch!” I flinched as she caught some skin in the knot.

“Oh, is it too tight?” Hitler’s wife smiled.

What a b$%@! I thought. She was bent on making me pay for gaining weight, wasn’t she? I was no longer the ideal model size. I was disposable and replaceable. She just had to prove her point that I was too big for all of the clothes and she just couldn’t take it that I hadn’t been thrown out of the show.

I don’t remember too many fashion shows or photo shoots after that point. I finally cancelled my contract the next year and stopped modeling all together. I was getting help for my depression and eating disorder. I had also just met Ashton and was engaged. When I think back on my modeling career, I am happy I did it. I had lots of fun, traveled, took some really great pictures, met some fun people in the fashion world and went to some great parties and exciting photo shoots.

But God had something else in mind for me. People always tell me that I look like a model or tell me that I should model. I smile and say thanks. Sometimes I even tell them that I used to. They ask me why I don’t any more. I try to say as little as possible, like: Modeling is a very selfish and sick career. It just wasn’t for me. Then I throw in the funny comment about how I love food too much. They laugh and that’s about it. As glad as I am that I did it and now that I don’t do it any more, it has made me realize what true beauty is. True beauty is the person that is looking back at you when you look into the mirror. But is even more than that.

“Rather, beauty is something internal that can't be destroyed. Beauty expresses itself in a gentle and quiet attitude which God considers precious” (1 Peter 3:4 God’s Word Translation).

The modeling industry may never understand true, internal beauty. Most models may be perfect and flawless on the outside, but they are deeply disturbed and tortured on the inside because they have— like I have and many others have—believed the lie that your worth is based on a number on a scale, a number on a measuring tape, or a number on a pair of jeans. I am so thankful that God has healed me from believing that lie and I love the size that I am now!

God, help us as women to see ourselves as you do. Help us to cultivate our inner beauty from a gentle and graceful spirit that only you can provide.

The Stuff Life is Made of

I love to reminiscence about life and look at pictures and the way things were. I love how just a scent or a picture in my mind can remind me of how I felt at a certain time in my life. I also love to daydream about what the future holds and make plans for fun vacations that I want to take or parties that I want to have. But life is really nothing more than memories and dreams if you don’t have Jesus to give you peace, hope and love.

And what about the bad memories? I wish that sometimes my past hurts and traumas would just disappear, but we can’t just sort through our memories and forget the bad ones or take them out with the trash. Sadly enough, it’s the bad memories that seemed engrained in our minds. It’s the bad memories that change us the most. But what we can do is take all of our memories—good and bad to the Cross and give them to Jesus and see what he would have us do with them. With Jesus, memories become your testimony that speak out power and encouragement.

And what about the dreams that don’t come true? The Bible says that hope deferred make the heart sick (Prov. 13:12). We all have a sick heart caused from things that we have hoped and prayed for that still did not come true. But with Jesus, dreams become your hope and future for a better place than this sick and fallen world.

So be encouraged. The stuff life is made of really is mainly memories and dreams. But the Bible tells us that "no eye has seen, no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived the things God has prepared for those who love him" (1 Cor. 2:9). Jesus came to give us an abundant and full life (John 10:10). When life is full of bad memories and shattered dreams and seems so hard and pointless, just remember that Jesus came to give us more and one day it will be ours!

Sweet Jesus

I am on a roll today with these blog posts--This is #3! I guess that being snow/iced in is a good thing for creative writing! Here is a new poem (could also be song lyrics!) I just put together today called "Sweet Jesus."

My spirit is free

To pray and rejoice

To flap its wings

For this is my choice

In the Spirit I live

Because you forgive

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

To You I give in

You hold me captive

My soul at ease

Because of Your love

It takes me in

And brings me above

My troubles I face

Enemies in every place

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

You calm me and keep me

Because of God’s grace

My heart at rest

In Jesus’ hands

The Truth remains

washing over the land

like waves on the shore

I am hungry for more

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

You give me what I

Have been looking for

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

You are what I

Have been dying for

Angel

This is a poem I wrote about my journey as a Christian and the bondage that I came under after I was saved. It is about how God set me free after he saved my soul.

My spirit heard the Truth.

And liked how it sounded.

It was like a vine growing to the sound of music in a garden.

But I did not build a wall around my garden of truth.

And the wolves came and chewed out the vine.

They were still hungry and so I fed them more.

Weeds of lies choked out the spirit of truth.

The fruit never ripened and my soul was in despair.

How could you let this happen? My soul screamed.

I can’t go on any longer, My spirit cried.

My heart grew deceitful and evil grew from within.

I hated my garden then.

I wanted to run away—

I wanted to fly away like a bird

But never return.

But I would keep flying and falling into the quicksand of death.

Though I would not return, it would return to me.

I wanted to do good, but I did not know how.

I only knew how to feed the wolves.

And so I did for many years,

Until I was spared.

My angel was a young girl with long blonde hair

It was stringy, yet soft and smelled of powder.

I thought that it would touch the ground.

She did not have wings, but she carried a mirror.

It was embellished with jewels and looked far too heavy for her to carry.

But she held it softly as if it were a butterfly.

She came up to me and held it to my heart.

I was afraid of what she would see, so I flinched and closed my eyes, afraid to look.

But I felt something encouraging me.

It is okay, He said to me and so I saw.

I no longer saw the garden of weeds and death.

But a butterfly on a flower.

I no longer heard the screams for help.

I saw the sun and felt the breeze.

Who was this girl with the mirror? I wondered.

She smiled and then I knew.

That girl was me.

I Don't Like the Way You are Treating my Daughter

“I don’t like the way you are treating my daughter.” This is what God told me at a two-day church retreat called Kairos, which means “an appointed time with God.” I knew that He was talking about me and how I was treating myself. I am too hard on myself. Way too hard. This often carries over onto other people, especially in my marriage. A few days prior to this I wrote this in my journal:

God just showed me that I still hate myself. I don’t, but I know that He is right. I am constantly irritated or depressed or overwhelmed or angry or hurt. How have I gone on for so long? I need to get set free to BE myself. But who am I?

I am a creative, contemplative free-spirited girl. I absolutely love having fun and laughing. Something inside of me likes the person that I am. Its not true that I am always irritated or depressed, but I feel like something isn’t right inside of me and it has been like that for a long time. As I look back over my past journal entries, I see a common theme: pain, melancholy, doubt and fear. I can’t pin point when all this started. Then the lines I wrote occurred to me:

My heart feels like

Scattered pieces

My mind feels like

A thunderstorm.

This world is fallen

Broken bodies

Fix me, Jesus

Take me home.

We live in a fallen world of pain and death. Life is hard, but we have eternity buried deep with in us which makes us yearn for more. Surrender what you have, everything you can see for what you can’t see. Give it all away, all of the hurt and pain inside of you.

“So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (2. Cor. 4:18, NLT)

Don’t you just love God’s Word! It is my Rock and my Sanity in this fallen world. I just can not get enough of it! Not only everything that I see now, but those feelings of hurt, pain, fear, doubt, anxiety, depression and insecurity will soon be gone! Hallelujah!

Lord, let my eyes be fixed upon you so that I can endure until this fallen world has passed away and everything in it. FIX ME JESUS, TAKE ME HOME!

Pursuit of Happiness

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time. ~Edith Wharton

Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Misery is almost always the result of thinking. ~Joseph Joubert

Eden is that old-fashioned house we dwell in every day
Without suspecting our abode until we drive away.
~Emily Dickinson

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase: if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. ~C.P. Snow

I just want to be happy. Who doesn't? I just heard a quote about those who seek happiness are the most miserable people. And there seems to be a lot of truth in the phrase: "blissful ignorance." Happiness is not a place as we tend to think. It is like the American Dream. Everyone wants it and most people think that they are on the way to obtain it, but like happiness, the American Dream is an illusion. Really the only thing that exists is The Kingdom of God.

I recently learned that the answer to our problems is not found in the solution. Rather, the answer to our problems is found in seeking the Kingdom of God. Matthew 6:33 says: " But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Philippians 1:11 says: " May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation-- the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ for this will bring much glory and praise to God.

We must understand that the "Pursuit of Happiness" is a superficial and endless journey. (And when I say "we," I mean "I"!) Women especially have this trouble because we think so much and we feel so much. I have been told that men actually have the capability to think of absolutely nothing. Then does that mean that they have achieved blissful ignorance? Possibly! All I'm saying is that I want to be happy and I want you to be happy, but more than that, we have to seek to bring God glory and praise and to love each other.

There is so much more to life than being happy. When we realize that, then we will be free to be truly happy. Only then, it will be more joy than happiness!