Do It Yourself Boot Shapers

What do these things have in common? I'll give you a hint. They aren't trash.

They're boot shapers!!!! YAY!!!

Which boot would you rather be?

Declaration Against Depression

The National Institute of Mental Heath says:

An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older — about one in four adults — suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. When applied to the 2004 U.S. Census residential population estimate for ages 18 and older, this figure translates to 57.7 million people.

A mental disorder is just that--a DIS-order, NON-order, an ALTERNATE-order. By mental disorder I mean: depression, eating disorder, panic or anxiety disorder, learning disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder... and the list can go on and on. I have read that America has a prevalent number of mental disorders compared to other countries. Could it be that disorder is just a manifestation of the pain of living--the pain of want?

Everything has a disorder attached to it. So either America is obsessed with disorder or they are consumed by it. I argue that it is a little bit of both. This post will address how we are consumed by disorder--by pain, discomfort, unhappiness, stress, lack of joy or motivation, depression. I need not go into detail about the mass amount of drugs that we are pumping into our bodies, countless "self-help" books and counseling that we turn to deal with the pain of living. I am one of those who has been consumed with the painful reality of living in this imperfect world where babies die, women are tortured and wars kill millions of young men everywhere. I know that everyone would agree with me that we live in a broken world of hurting people--emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally.

God is a God of order,

not confusion and not mental disorder.

As I was getting fed up thinking about all of this I wrote a "Declaration Against Depression" based on Scripture that gives me hope in a hopeless world. By saying these words out loud, I felt a cloud of despair, frustration and feeling overwhelmed leave me. It was replaced with peace, joy and the positive attitute that life is good because God is good and God is Life Everlasting.

Be blessed as you claim these words for yourself.

I, (insert your name), declare freedom against the enemy of depression in my life that is stealing the joy of Jesus Christ away from me. I declare that I will fight daily to die to my fleshly desires and feelings that are not in agreement with the Word of God. I will work as unto the Lord so that I will have more than enough. Because of the LORD's great love I am not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I surrender my body to be used for righteous purposes. Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, And sinners will be converted to You. I laugh at the days to come because I have been covered by the blood of Jesus and have been made perfect in His love. I will use my freedom to love and not to sin. I will make good and healthy choices that are aligned with who He says I am—not the world, not my feelings. The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You support my lot. No power in the sky above or in the earth below–indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God or the promise of a future of hope that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. I have the peace of God living in me. I will not be destroyed for Jesus has overcome this life. My job is to love extravagantly. God is pleased with me when I worship, love and obey Him and since I am commanded to be joyful always and give thanks continually that is the life that I am going to live in Jesus Christ! AMEN!

A Version of the Truth-- Book Review

The front cover of A Version of the Truth by Jennifer Kaufman and Karen Mack describes it as "The Devil Wears Prada meets Walden Pond." Naturally, I am drawn to both of those books, so I pick it up. Plus it has a cute cover as you see and I am a sucker for packaging!

It is a coming of age story and romance about a 30-year-old woman named Cassie, a nature-lover whose husband just died in a car wreck. He was a jerk anyways, so it is actually more of a relief to Cassie--kinda like Kate Chopin's Story of an Hour, but the narrator doesn't die. She takes a job at a university and things change...

It is such a quick and easy read and except for the occasional curse word and casual sex, I highly recommend it for those women over 18 of a good moral foundation. It is one of those books that after you finish it you exclaim, "What a good book!" and bask in that feeling of a happy ending. (Which I needed after watching the movie, Salt with Angelina Jolie.) So, Courtney and Jessica, I do have one copy for loan. I think that you would really enjoy this one. My rating: A-

What is Real?

We have all heard the phrase raw emotion, but what is real emotion? Is it the same? Is it an impossibility—an oxymoron—a paradox? I argue that we embrace the idea of a paradox. Afterall, God Himself is a paradox. Real emotion is real. What is real is what has happened as evidenced by physical, emotional or mental witnesses. It is not what is wrong or right, but what is real. Though they may be wrong, they can still be real and deserve to be acknowledged. So I have been journaling about it and googling about the idea of things real and came across this quote from The Velveteen Rabbit:

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Being real is messy. It takes a long time, because what is real isn't just a simple answer. Being real is about having real emotions. We are alive because we can feel and we feel because we are alive.

What's more is that Jesus said that He came to heal the broken hearted. He didn't come to tell us that we shouldn't be broken hearted, but to heal us. God cares about our emotions. He created them. And expressing our emotions in a constructive way creates room for God to heal us.

All of this may be prompting a book, so please, share your insights and ideas!

Take Me Home

My heart feels like

Scattered pieces

My mind feels like

A thunderstorm.

This world is fallen

Broken bodies

Fix me, Jesus

Take me home.

My Roller-Coaster Ride of a Christian Testimony

I have always considered myself a Christian, but my life has not always reflected that. I grew up knowing about God and loving Him in an abstract way, but I did not have a personal relationship with him. I was born again and saved in the Fall 2001. My life until then was driven completely by the lusts of the flesh. I took part in every kind of immoral behavior. I was so lost and did not even acknowledge God.

When the Twin Towers fell on 9-11, I felt something inside of me that longed to know God. I felt Jesus calling me to live my life for Him and I wanted to! I realized that there was a real evil in the world and that something must be done to save my soul. I went to church with my family and made public what had happened in my heart because of Jesus. I began to read and pray regularly. I received the Holy Spirit and watched God completely transform my life by changing my desires and priorities to be God-centered.

Shortly after this spiritual break-through I became involved in a controlling and unhealthy relationship for three years. I was screaming on the inside, but I was unable to get away from my abusive boyfriend. I tragically fell back into immoral behavior. Again, God had mercy on me and drew me back to him closer than ever and I vowed to live my life God’s way.

During that time, however, I became a model, which was my child-hood dream. I developed an eating disorder, was deeply depressed and inwardly tortured by self-centeredness. I had daily quiet times and immersed myself in the Bible and prayer, but I no longer found joy in life or loving my friends and family. It was the worst time of my life, but God was drawing impurities out of my life and I am so grateful for that.

I finally began to seek help through counseling and anti-depressants. This camouflaged my sickness and depravity until I met my husband, Ashton. I thought that my life was perfect now. I was wrong.

It wasn’t until after we were married that I came to terms with my eating disorder and festering emotional wounds. I worked so hard, memorized every Scripture and read every book to try and get healed. Essentially, I was trying to do God’s job. I would cry for days from the pain and frustration I felt from not feeling better.

I began seeing a Christian counselor with my husband in January 2009. With her help, my husband’s support and God’s healing hand, I began the road to recovery. Then, in September 2009, I went to a ladies retreat with my church. Unlike every other conference, sermon or book that I thought was the magic formula for my healing, I stopped trying to control my healing and completely let God be God. I began to trust my husband more and find my security and identity in Christ alone. The joy of my life and salvation has fully returned.

I have been free from my eating disorder for over a year and half. Everyday, I feel my previous chains of bondage fall off more and more as God saves me from myself daily to die to my selfish ways. I can’t stop telling everyone how great God has been to me by setting me free. I want to live a life emptied out to God’s purpose by writing, speaking and encouraging others, especially girls to hold fast to God’s Truth about their identity. I want to tell them that Jesus is the only way to avoid a life of pain of going down the same path that I did.

God is doing a new thing in my life and I perceive it! He has made a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland of my heart! (Isa. 43:18-19). He had made darkness turn into light before my eyes and will guide me! (Isa. 42: 16). In Him, I have a hope and a future and so do you! (Jer. 29:11).

Search Me

Search me oh God

But I am scared to see

What pains lurk there

Deep within me.

I want to change.

I want to grow.

Heal me Father

This I know--

That I am your child

Chosen and dearly loved.

You fill my heart

With love from above.

Yet life is too much.

I cannot bear

To go on

With out you near.

Close the gap

Between my heart and brain

So that I can praise you--

Always the same.

Change me Father

From the inside out.

Make this soul of mine

Scream and shout.

For your glory--

For your love--

For your healing--

Sweet God above.

Learning to Shine-My Teaching Philosophy

According to Socrates, the only good in this world is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance, but being a teacher is about so much more than simply transferring knowledge. My primary objective as a teacher is to help students discover how to learn and evaluate knowledge toward becoming intelligent, self-controlled and creative members of society who never stop learning. Today, students are in the greatest need for proficiency in thinking, reading and writing. I believe that by focusing on these skills, students will gain control of their education.

Learning

Problem-based learning of the Socratic method is the basis of my pedagogical practice. Open-ended questions encourage independent thinking and reasoning that enables students to form their own conclusions. A constructivist method of student-based learning that builds upon prior knowledge where the teacher is the facilitator and encourager is the best way to achieve this. Furthermore, the education of high-risk students is vital. We must concentrate on what a student can do and build upon that, rather than focusing on what they lack.

Teaching

An effective teacher stays in touch with what matters to students and creates lesson plans that both meet educational criteria and apply to students’ lives. Therefore, preparation, creativity and flexibility are vital to engaging students and keeping their focus. Current events, popular culture and technology are all ways to relate material to student’s lives.

For example, popular songs both engage students and provide real-life examples of poetic devices. Above all, expressing my passion for and knowledge of English is the best way to get students excited about learning and to keep their attention.

Growing

I know from personal experience that journaling is an effective tool for growing. As a result, students will become better communicators and will learn how to express their thoughts and feelings in effective ways. Students can ask questions and work out problems in their journals to learn to be methodical, yet creative and critical thinkers. Finally, a journal becomes a record of students’ reading and writing progress that can be used to set personal learning goals.

To determine my effectiveness as a teacher, student input and feedback is crucial. In addition to keeping an open-door policy of communication with my students, a simple suggestion box can create an anonymous arena where students can voice concerns and difficulties about lessons. When it comes to learning, the boundaries between student and teacher are interchangeable. Essentially, we are all students of life. As a teacher, I should be the biggest learner among students, constantly researching and studying ways to improve as a teacher.

Shining

Reading and writing well has been synonymous with discovering and expressing who I am. Literature has inspired me to take risks and think beyond myself. Simply put, studying English has taught me how to shine. Likewise, every student too is a light, and it is my job to help them to shine for all to see.

House of Cards

I have a confession. I am an expert at appearing and not being. Just like Machiavelli's The Prince, I have perfected the art of seeming and not being. I am a house of cards, that may look pretty, but comes crashing down at the first sign of trouble. I did not come to be this way by accident. In grade school I wanted to appear smart, yet cool, so I would purposely get things wrong on my tests and school work so that I wouldn't get made fun of for being smart and getting 100's. How sad. How very sad that insecurity had its grips on me so early. Fast forward to modeling. Oh, if ever there was a career that destroyed the inner woman at the expense of the way she looks it is modeling. I loved modeling, but I hated what I let it do to me. That's right. I was not a victim. I chose to become a professional model and listen to what the world said I should look like. This all reminds me of a poem I wrote and the importance of who we are rather than what we appear. Enjoy.

Be

We are like squirming children

darting our attention to whatever sparkles or moves

Be still my child and know that I am God

We fill our days with emptiness—

that all consuming void which violates our souls

Be still my child and know that I am God

We do busy

We do stress

We do not rest

The human-doing is not

being

feeling

breathing

Be still my child and know that I am God

The truth is out

But do we care?

The verdict is guilty—

We are lost, but if we would only stop

we would be there

we would find the way—

Be still my child and know that I am God

I close my eyes—

I breathe

I love

I feel

I am—

Are you?

Life Story

Once upon a time I used to not trust myself. I would not put anything down on the page because I was insecure. I used to write to please others before I wrote to please myself. I guess that is what happened when I tired to get accepted into the MFA program at Texas State. I tried to write for the people who would read it, but I had no idea who they were. I was writing for people that I knew would hate my stuff. Everything that I put on the page, even now, I worry if my reader will approve of it. Will they approve of me? Ultimately, I was putting myself on the page, but often times when I looked at it I did not like myself. How tragic.

Life is tragic. Life is traumatic. When I look back on my thought life especially, I wonder how I am not in a straight jacket rocking myself in a pink and blue room. But also when I look back, I am happy. I love life and I have really enjoyed living it. I feel lucky and special to have such a blessed life. I know that this is God’s doing, I wonder if everyone feels special? Sometimes special is good and sometimes it is bad. It just depends on the perspective that you decide to look at it with. Decide. Decision. Life is a decision. Life will find a way. It will go on, with or with out us, but the decision happens when we decide how to look at life and not just take life as it comes. I have felt as if I don’t have a purpose, that nothing has a purpose. I have been depressed because I have not been pressing. I have been asleep. I have been among the dead.

Perhaps it is because I am bored that I am tired all of the time. I love to have fun and I am really enjoying what it is like to be me—finally! But maybe I don’t do this stuff enough. Why must I feel like I am wasting time if I am doing something I love? I feel guilty when I am not “getting stuff done.” I have said in the past that I love to run errands, but do I really? Everyday is a new day to discover yourself. Everyday is a new day to discover God. I wish that I could just stop waiting to arrive and just look up and see that I am living my life. I decide who, I decide where and how much. Thank you Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman for reminding me. Free Will is a beautiful thing. No, not Free Willie!-- Free will. Free Willie has become a killer of a killer whale and is sick of being locked up in bondage. Sound familiar? Free will is such a beautiful gift of God. Why do I, you, we choose to use it to decide to be in bondage. Life is free so we should live free. The End.