God, Help Me to Be a Good Mother

Lord, I need your peace, comfort and strength to be a good mother. 

That was my prayer as I began to journal.  And as I got the word “good,” I stopped dead in my tracks.  I was reminded of this scripture:

Once a religious leader asked Jesus this question: “Good Teacher, what should I do to inherit eternal life?”  “Why do you call me good?” Jesus asked him. “Only God is truly good (Luke 18:19 NLT).

If Jesus didn’t even consider himself good (even though he was perfect), what sense does it make for me to try and be a “good” mother?  Actually, let me be honest.  I want to be a perfect mother.

I want to always respond to my children in a calm and loving manner, taking every opportunity to patiently teach them and train them.  If I don’t explain something with the utmost grace and gentleness, I feel incredible shame and guilt.   God forbid I snap and yell or threaten to spank their butt [and do it] or take away all her toys [and do it] if she can’t stop throwing them all in the floor. 

I want to always engage with them or lead them into independent play, so that mommy can get something done.  Every time I turn on Netflix, I shutter with disgust and thus begin the relentless accusations about my laziness as a mother and how my children’s brains are rotting as they spend more time in front of a screen.

I want to always make sure my children eat healthy foods and try new foods out.  To do this I [try to] limit sugar and processed snacks like Goldfish.  But it never fails, and out come the Goldfish as I vow to never buy more once they run out.  And then I do, of course, the next time I am at the grocery store. 

I want to always take time to enjoy my daughter’s expert stalling techniques before bed instead of rushing through the bedtime story just so I can climb into bed and escape into my novel for a while. 

I used to think that I was a bad mother if I gave my baby formula or any non-organic food of any kind.  Then I came to the realization that bad mothers don’t feed their children at all; good mothers do.  My simple desire to be a good mother made me a good mother.  After all, I loved her extravagantly, clothed her, fed her and protected her. 

Yes, this is all still true, but God is taking me to a deeper level of understanding what it is to be a mother and how to surrender to motherhood. 

Some synonyms for the word mother are: look after, care for, protect, nurse, tend.  I do all of those things and much more for my children, so why am I praying for God to help me to be a “good” mother?  I have already established that I am a good mother.  There is not debating that.  I would say that I love my children more than any other mother ever has loved their children, but then again all mothers feel that way.  

As with everything in life the answer to our problems is because we believe a lie in place of the truth.  Whether it is the world of social media that we live in or listening to the opinions and judgments of others, we are believing a lie in some way or another.  The father of all lies is Satan.  When we even engage in a conversation with him or listen to those thoughts that sound like us or someone we know (when they do in fact belong to Satan), we have already lost.  But when those thoughts come, and we refuse them and cling to the truth—that we are dearly loved and chosen, that we can do all things through Christ, that God’s plans for us are for good, we win. 

Satan can even sneak into the motives behind our prayers like he did for me with out me even realizing it. After all, it is a noble and honorable thing to ask for God's help to be a good mother.  But, I needed a shift in perspective to truly release me to experience freedom and God's goodness.  

Now, instead of praying for God’s peace, comfort and strength to be a good mother, I will pray simply for more of God’s Spirit for my current assignment which is to be mother.  To quote Chris Tomlin’s song, He truly is a good, good father and I’m loved by Him.  My quest should not about being a good mother, but rather about resting in my identity as a beloved daughter of the Most High God who happens to be chosen to mother two of his other precious daughters.

God, thank you that I am a simply a mother to two of the most beautiful, sweet and incredible girls.  You are good.     

You Are Not Who You Currently Are

God, help me to get my eyes off of myself and on the cross.  

What does that even mean?  

It means to trust that Jesus died for me.  While I was a sinner, he died.  I did nothing to earn or deserve it.  Nor can I do anything to earn or deserve his grace and mercy and love today.  I am free.  

The cross summed up in one word is freedom.  It was because of love that God sent his only son to die.  But to me, freedom is the manifestation of that love in my life: Freedom from sin and its consequences.  Freedom from my own negative thoughts.  Freedom to be who God created me to be.  Freedom from condemnation when I fall short, which I always will.  Not a picture perfect model.  Not a perfect clean house.  Not a perfect mom or wife.  My kid may throw fits,  I may overreact with my husband, and I may berate myself in my thoughts.  None of that matters because it doesn’t really matter when compared to the infinite value of knowing Jesus.  He offers me freedom from those things so that I can enjoy my life.  

Life may be messy, but I am not a mess.  

Jesus is bigger than your current reality.  

I’m going to say that again: Jesus is bigger than your current reality.  

All of those things that we hate in our lives and about ourselves fade away.  Jesus and the cross eclipse them so they can not be seen when you take your eyes off of yourself and look to the cross.  They may never go away while we are on this earth because we live in a fallen world, in broken bodies, but one thing that is true is that the imperfect will fade away when the Perfect comes.  Jesus is perfect.  

So stop trying to be perfect.  Stop beating yourself up for not being perfect.  Stop analyzing everything.  Stop seeing yourself from other’s judging eyes and start seeing yourself as God sees you.  When you look in a broken mirror the image reflected back is broken as well.  Stop looking in a broken mirror to tell you who you are.  Start looking to God who is the perfect reflection to tell you who you are.  You are not who you currently are. Let that sink in.  You are not who you currently are.  So stop looking at yourself and start looking to the cross.  

Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn’t, and doesn’t, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn’t been so weak, we wouldn’t have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him (Romans 5:6-8 MSG).

We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up (Hebrews 12:2-3 NLT).

So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law (Gal. 5:1 NLT).

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16 NIV).

But when completeness comes, what is in part disappears… now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known (1 Corinthians 13:10,12 NIV).

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard (Romans 3:23 NLT).

Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly]. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish (refuse, dregs), in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One) (Philippians 3:8 AMP).

Life Story

Once upon a time I used to not trust myself. I would not put anything down on the page because I was insecure. I used to write to please others before I wrote to please myself. I guess that is what happened when I tired to get accepted into the MFA program at Texas State. I tried to write for the people who would read it, but I had no idea who they were. I was writing for people that I knew would hate my stuff. Everything that I put on the page, even now, I worry if my reader will approve of it. Will they approve of me? Ultimately, I was putting myself on the page, but often times when I looked at it I did not like myself. How tragic.

Life is tragic. Life is traumatic. When I look back on my thought life especially, I wonder how I am not in a straight jacket rocking myself in a pink and blue room. But also when I look back, I am happy. I love life and I have really enjoyed living it. I feel lucky and special to have such a blessed life. I know that this is God’s doing, I wonder if everyone feels special? Sometimes special is good and sometimes it is bad. It just depends on the perspective that you decide to look at it with. Decide. Decision. Life is a decision. Life will find a way. It will go on, with or with out us, but the decision happens when we decide how to look at life and not just take life as it comes. I have felt as if I don’t have a purpose, that nothing has a purpose. I have been depressed because I have not been pressing. I have been asleep. I have been among the dead.

Perhaps it is because I am bored that I am tired all of the time. I love to have fun and I am really enjoying what it is like to be me—finally! But maybe I don’t do this stuff enough. Why must I feel like I am wasting time if I am doing something I love? I feel guilty when I am not “getting stuff done.” I have said in the past that I love to run errands, but do I really? Everyday is a new day to discover yourself. Everyday is a new day to discover God. I wish that I could just stop waiting to arrive and just look up and see that I am living my life. I decide who, I decide where and how much. Thank you Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman for reminding me. Free Will is a beautiful thing. No, not Free Willie!-- Free will. Free Willie has become a killer of a killer whale and is sick of being locked up in bondage. Sound familiar? Free will is such a beautiful gift of God. Why do I, you, we choose to use it to decide to be in bondage. Life is free so we should live free. The End.

Free to Be Me?

So I wish that I was one of those clever writers who wrote effortlessly in their blogs, profound truths and revelation. Oh well, for the time being it is going to have to be my insecurities and off the wall thoughts.

Its Saturday and I am claiming this day to enjoy to be me. So what if I don't look like someone else, act like someone else or write like someone else?! I am trying to love me as God made me. Last night I had a major meltdown and identity crisis. Let the truth be told, I was questioning my very salvation because I find myself having a hard time accepting God's grace with out trying to earn it. I am reading (several books, one of which is) Free to Be Me by Betty Robinson in which she writes about her life growing from fear to freedom. She too questioned her salvation because she had trouble enjoying a personal and intimate relationship with God. I share this with you because I have a hunch that I am not the only one who struggles to enjoy themselves as God made them. We are usually too hard on our selves and I think that is precisely what I have been doing the past few days. I have just been in a funk. :( Phooey. Anyways, I now have peace about my salvation, but I often get sick of God taking me the long way through everything. Like Joyce Meyers and the Israelites, I too end up going around the same stupid mountain over and over whining in the desert: What is taking so long?!?! Is it possible to be given a mature dose of patience with out actually growing in it the hard way? I will let you know if I figure it out. Until then, I came to the frustrating truth that I am stubborn and pig-headed and nothing comes easy to types like me. In other words, I am just going to have to trust as God sorts me out.

It is never a dull moment in my mind.