Boho Chic Bedroom Makeover

It all started with the bedspread.

I was looking for new brown and turquoise bedding to go with the painting above our bed. I was sick of the heavy brown duvet that we currently had that lived in a crumpled mess at the end of the bed under several layers of clothes.  Luckily, I couldn't find any that were just right because then it dawned on me:  Why was I creating the bedroom around the hand-me-down (albeit, beautiful) artwork when it didn't truly suit me and make me happy?  I was continually drawn to colorful, vibrant bohemian inspired bedding, so why not completely redo the bedroom to suit this theme?

I found this beautiful bedding from Bed Bath and Beyond:

And so it began--and a Pinterest board was born!

I would love to say that this process was super fun and easy, but alas, nothing worth having comes easy.  As I worked to redo the bedroom, I had to battle lies in my mind such as the following:

Lie #1: I need to be content with what we have.  The former bedding was very expensive from Crate and Barrel, and I didn't need anything else.

Lie #2: It was selfish and foolish of me to use money to makeover my bedroom when there were other ways to spend it.

Lie #3: Ultimately, I didn't "deserve" to have a nice bedroom of my (budget) dreams.

Lie #4: Since my room was a failure and a mess, I was a failure and a mess.

The TRUTH was that the rest of the house looked great.  I'd worked diligently and intentionally to make our house a comfortable, attractive and organized home.

The TRUTH was that I deserved a beautiful refuge that made me happy where I could read, rest, relax and… you know.

The TRUTH was that I am an educated, vibrant, creative, fun, beautiful and capable adult woman who could makeover her bedroom if she darn-well pleased!

So now the time has come.  Every makeover has a set of dreaded "before" pictures.  I am slightly extremely embarrassed to show you these, and I must beg your mercy.  But I know the truth: All of you at least have one area of your home that resembles Monica's closet from Friends.  #dontjudge  And if you don't, then why are you reading this?  Don't you have something to go clean? ;)

Sadly, this is how my bedroom looked for the majority of the time.  It was brown, depressing and messy. As you can see there are signs of effort to make it look nice at some point, but it never felt like it was my bedroom.  "Good enough" was the theme.  I never made the bed because the duvet was so cumbersome and the pillows were so many.

Our bedroom had become a hodgepodge of hand-me-downs (for which I am very grateful) and a graveyard for things in our home that didn't have a home.  It was a sort of purgatory where things got shoved in the five minutes before company came over.  Can I get an amen?! LOL!

And here are the BEAUTIFUL and GLORIOUS "after" pictures:

I styled the dresser with a mirror we had from Crate and Barrel, lamp from At Home, box and candle from Home Goods, picture frames and greenery from Michaels. The decorative balls are from Kirklands.

I styled the book shelf with cute magazine holders, frames (which have photos from our wedding and five year anniversary when we renewed our vows in Vegas) and vase from Home Goods, and an ethnic looking chest from At Home.

The heavy brown chest at the end of the bed was replaced with this beautiful grey one from Home Goods.  The large artwork was a steal on clearance for $6 at Big Lots.  I got the smaller art from Target.  And of course there is the gorgeous bedding from Bed Bath and Beyond styled with pillows from At Home.  

My desk was finally neat, tidy and nice-looking.  I had everything except for the yellow vase that I got at Michaels.  

The other small artwork is also from Target.  

The night tables proved to be the most difficult to get "just right," but I found these on Amazon and replaced the knobs with cute ones from World Market. They are perfect! 

And I finally had a cute sitting area!  The chair and curtains are from World Market, the pillow is from At Home and the table is from Home Goods.  

I absolutely love the finished product!  It is exactly what I wanted, and I couldn't be prouder. It is so much easier to keep the bed made and the room free of clutter now.  I often find myself sitting in bed at night smiling as I look around at my beautiful made-over bedroom.  My mood is instantly lifted when I am in the room now.  It is so peaceful and comforting to be surrounded by beautiful things that say: Brittany.

And I saved the best part for last:

Long after the things in this room are put in the trash or passed on, what I learned about God while giving my bedroom a boho chic makeover will last forever.

I learned that God is a good, good father.

He cares about the things that we care about.  He wants to make us happy by giving us things that bring us pleasure no matter how small they might seem.  We actually didn't have the money to allow me makeover my bedroom due to unexpected medical bills and other expenses that came up that month.

But God….

The day that my husband, Ashton was going to have to tell me that we would have to put off the bedroom project due to lack of finances, a rather large, unexpected check arrived in the mail minutes before he planned to tell me.  I believe that because we are faithful and tithe, God protects our finances and provides everything that we need.  The Bible says that if we delight ourselves in God, He will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4) and God knows how to give good gifts to his children (Matthew 7:11).  He knew that the desire of my heart was to have a beautiful place I could call my own and He provided the means to do so!

A little while after my room was complete, I was doing my quiet time with God and I prayed that He would give me His perspective of my life and of me.  I felt that He said, "Look around you.  Look at the bedroom that you made look so beautiful.  I created you with a gift to make things better--to make them beautiful."

I just love the heart of our Father God.  In my bedroom project, God gave me both what I wanted and what I needed.  I wanted to give my bedroom a super-cute makeover, but what I needed even more was to see that God created this desire within me, and that He cares about me enough to give it to me--exceedingly, abundantly more than anything I could ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).

God, Help Me to Be a Good Mother

Lord, I need your peace, comfort and strength to be a good mother. 

That was my prayer as I began to journal.  And as I got the word “good,” I stopped dead in my tracks.  I was reminded of this scripture:

Once a religious leader asked Jesus this question: “Good Teacher, what should I do to inherit eternal life?”  “Why do you call me good?” Jesus asked him. “Only God is truly good (Luke 18:19 NLT).

If Jesus didn’t even consider himself good (even though he was perfect), what sense does it make for me to try and be a “good” mother?  Actually, let me be honest.  I want to be a perfect mother.

I want to always respond to my children in a calm and loving manner, taking every opportunity to patiently teach them and train them.  If I don’t explain something with the utmost grace and gentleness, I feel incredible shame and guilt.   God forbid I snap and yell or threaten to spank their butt [and do it] or take away all her toys [and do it] if she can’t stop throwing them all in the floor. 

I want to always engage with them or lead them into independent play, so that mommy can get something done.  Every time I turn on Netflix, I shutter with disgust and thus begin the relentless accusations about my laziness as a mother and how my children’s brains are rotting as they spend more time in front of a screen.

I want to always make sure my children eat healthy foods and try new foods out.  To do this I [try to] limit sugar and processed snacks like Goldfish.  But it never fails, and out come the Goldfish as I vow to never buy more once they run out.  And then I do, of course, the next time I am at the grocery store. 

I want to always take time to enjoy my daughter’s expert stalling techniques before bed instead of rushing through the bedtime story just so I can climb into bed and escape into my novel for a while. 

I used to think that I was a bad mother if I gave my baby formula or any non-organic food of any kind.  Then I came to the realization that bad mothers don’t feed their children at all; good mothers do.  My simple desire to be a good mother made me a good mother.  After all, I loved her extravagantly, clothed her, fed her and protected her. 

Yes, this is all still true, but God is taking me to a deeper level of understanding what it is to be a mother and how to surrender to motherhood. 

Some synonyms for the word mother are: look after, care for, protect, nurse, tend.  I do all of those things and much more for my children, so why am I praying for God to help me to be a “good” mother?  I have already established that I am a good mother.  There is not debating that.  I would say that I love my children more than any other mother ever has loved their children, but then again all mothers feel that way.  

As with everything in life the answer to our problems is because we believe a lie in place of the truth.  Whether it is the world of social media that we live in or listening to the opinions and judgments of others, we are believing a lie in some way or another.  The father of all lies is Satan.  When we even engage in a conversation with him or listen to those thoughts that sound like us or someone we know (when they do in fact belong to Satan), we have already lost.  But when those thoughts come, and we refuse them and cling to the truth—that we are dearly loved and chosen, that we can do all things through Christ, that God’s plans for us are for good, we win. 

Satan can even sneak into the motives behind our prayers like he did for me with out me even realizing it. After all, it is a noble and honorable thing to ask for God's help to be a good mother.  But, I needed a shift in perspective to truly release me to experience freedom and God's goodness.  

Now, instead of praying for God’s peace, comfort and strength to be a good mother, I will pray simply for more of God’s Spirit for my current assignment which is to be mother.  To quote Chris Tomlin’s song, He truly is a good, good father and I’m loved by Him.  My quest should not about being a good mother, but rather about resting in my identity as a beloved daughter of the Most High God who happens to be chosen to mother two of his other precious daughters.

God, thank you that I am a simply a mother to two of the most beautiful, sweet and incredible girls.  You are good.     

Psalm 139

Last night I read Psalm 139 in a new way.  I deeply thought about the truth of how God feels about me, and God's love and acceptance washed over me like never before.  For the first time, I think, I truly felt His love.  Today, I personalized the psalm in first person.  My thoughts and confessions are below in between the verses of the psalm, which is in italics.  I hope and pray that it blesses you as much as God has blessed me in doing it.  Oh how he loves us!  Oh how he loves ME!  

1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.

I am known because I am important and you care about me.  You haven’t forgotten me or ignored me.  In fact, you know me better than anyone! 

2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
             You know my thoughts even when I’m far away..

You care about every little and seemingly insignificant part of my day.  You understand my emotions—even when I don’t. You know my deepest desires, regardless of my actions.  No matter where I am in life, if I am close to you in obedience or far away in stubborn, selfish disobedience, I am still your daughter and you care about what I am thinking about, good or bad. Even when I am far from you due to my own choices, you know and care about what I am worrying about.

 (3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. NASB)

You get me!  You not only get me, but you pay especially close attention to where I am going in life—even if it seems to me I am going nowhere.  You know all my struggles, quirks, challenges, hang-ups, and disappointments, but you also know my dreams, hopes, loves and desires. 

             

4 You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.

You know me so well you complete my sentences!  You help me use self-control to only use my words to build up instead of tearing down. 

5 You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.

You lead me and guide me.  But even when I get out in front of you and try to do things my way, you follow me to guide me back on track so that you can bless me. 

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

Your ways are far above my ways.  There is no way I can figure out what you know and how you know it and how you work in my life—so I shouldn’t even try.  I just need to trust you and stand in awe of your ways. 

7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!

8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.

9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.

You are everywhere I go because you are a part of me and I am a part of you.  Even if I am feeling weak and like a failure, and I make my life in a dark pit I created, you follow me there to give me strength and bring me home. 

(11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me. And the light around me will be night, NASB)

12  but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.

I get so overwhelmed with my problems and circumstances, I feel like they will surely consume me.  I feel like the light you have called me to be no longer shines and a shadow is cast by my life instead, leaving me to a joyless existence.  But no matter helpless I feel you are not overwhelmed by my problems and uncertainties.  You will find me in the depths of darkness and depression and help me shine my light again. 

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

You made every part of me special—my personality, my heart, my emotions.  You created me to be good.  There isn’t one single thing wrong with me.

14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

I am the way I am because you made me that way!  I’m thankful that I am so complex and passionate.  Who wants a robot!?  Everything that you make is good, especially me. 

15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

16 You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

When I was all alone being made in the darkness of my mother’s womb, you were there delighting in how wonderfully I was coming together. You’ve designed every part of me and my life to be good for me.  Nothing that I’ve done in life has surprised you or disappointed you because you knew it would happen.  You’ve been in control all along!  And you always will. 

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
    They cannot be numbered!

18 I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!

You think about me constantly.  You can’t get me out of your mind.  Everything that you do, you do for me because you are thinking about me.  Nothing else even compares to how much you think of me.   

19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
    Get out of my life, you murderers!

20 They blaspheme you;
    your enemies misuse your name.

21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
    Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?

22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
    for your enemies are my enemies.

There’s an enemy out there after my soul because he hates how much you love me and bless me.   He wants to kill every good thing that you’ve created in me.  He lies to me about myself, my life and you.  I hate the devil and his lies and everything he stands for.  I will wage war against the lies, God, but I need your help.  Please rescue your daughter from his evil plans. 

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
    and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Look deep into my being and calm my anxieties, fears, insecurities and doubts—the things that hurt too bad to even mention, things so deep that I don’t understand.  Show me where I do not trust you.  Show me what lies I believe about myself and about you.  Show me the parts of my flesh that you never intended on being there, so I can repent and be as pure as the day you created me.  Gently hold my hand and guide me back to the blessed life you created me to live.  Restore me back to your love.  

                            

                                                       (Psalm 139 NLT, unless otherwise noted)

My New Year's Resolution for 2013

 As this year draws to a close, we are all thinking about the past year—about our sorrows: the things we’d like to do differently and about our joys: the things that made the year worth living.  We talk about New Years Resolutions because we believe in fresh starts.  We believe that God makes all things new (Rev. 21:5).  

But why is it that we think that after a certain year or age that we will magically be changed?  I stopped having real New Years Resolutions a while back because they never worked.  I never was able to stick with it to make the change. After all, how can I fail if I don’t ever make a goal?  I think that I always failed eventually because I tried to rely on my own efforts to change.  True change doesn’t come from trying hard or our good intentions.  It comes from God.  We know this, but as with all of God's Ways, it is easier said than done.  

One of the most profound things that God has ever told me is (Who am I kidding?  When God speaks, it’s all profound!) that just because I want something doesn’t mean I’ll get it.  I want a good marriage.  But if you wish in one and you know what in the other, see which one fills up first.  Wanting does nothing unless you surrender and do things God’s ways. 

This New Year of 2013, the only thing I want more of is God.  I want His Presence and His Peace.  His word tells us that we already have these things—“You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever” (Psalms 16:11 NLT).  All we have to do is Trust that He will do what He says. 

So as 2012 comes to a close, just like everyone else I will think about the past year—about my sorrows: the things I’d like to do differently and my joys: the things that made this year worth living.   I will look forward to 2013 with great expectation as an artist looks at a blank canvas—full of possibility.  The only resolve that I will make is to seek His Peace and His Presence above all else because in His Presence our problems and circumstances don’t seem to matter as we fill our lives with the fullness of His Joy.  

Treasure the Trials

What an amazing journey this first year teaching has been! It’s still not over yet, but I am feeling the need to reminisce and process what I can so far. I have felt God so much in the midst of trials, tribulations, and overwhelming stress this year. What has been even more overwhelming though is God’s love and will for me.

So many answered prayers mark this year. First, I got a job—one in teaching—during a difficult economic time when teachers were getting laid off left and right. And the people I work with are absolutely amazing! Everyone loves God. I have been very encouraged this year, and it helps to have people you can confide in who share your same beliefs. Not only that, but they all have a great sense of humor! Laughter has really kept me going! My principal Donna Hart has been such a mentor this year. Her gentle spirit has taught and encouraged me. I feel like she really understands me and truly appreciates my hard work. Not only that, she is super fun! My assistant principal Matt Daniels reminds me of what Jesus is like. He is gentle, kind and wise beyond his years. It has been a blessing beyond anything I could have imagined to work with these wonderful, godly people. I thank God every day for the people he has place in my life to help me travel this path. Though it has been bumpy and twisted, they never criticized or cut me down. I of course cannot forget Dr. George, our superintendent who has been such an inspiration to us all. Although I don’t get to work with her as closely as I do the principals and other teachers, I feel her fervent prayers in a real way. I deeply respect her hard work and dedication to Newman. All of the good that has come our way has come because our leader trusts and fears God.

The best thing of all, of course, is that God has also chosen Ashton and me to be blessed with the promise of a child! I am beyond overwhelmed as I think about the reality of the gift he has place inside of me. Still, being pregnant with my first child has presented additional challenges in an already stressful and exhausting situation, but God has led me the whole way—a way I did not know. I don’t know how I managed feeling sick and exhausted, but I kept going because God was holding my hand. I will never forget how on our first day back of the New Year for teacher training, everyone gathered around me and prayed that God would bless me with a child. We found out that I was pregnant only a few weeks later! How big is God!? And who gets to work with people like that outside of ministry?! The students and staff have been so supportive and excited for us as their eyes have been unceasingly upon my growing belly! It’s such an incredible blessing to share in the joy of a child on the way with such wonderful people.

This year the enemy, however, has come against me strongly and attacked me with anxiety and fear. He has sent gossipers and naysayers to try and destroy my spirit, but I know that I do not get my identity from approval from the others. God is well pleased with me and that is all that matters. I know with out a doubt that God will complete the good work that He has begun in me (Phil. 1:6), specifically as this school year draws to a close. I have learned that I can’t do it all, and I can’t do it all perfectly. God has completely filled in the parts that I was unable to. He is beginning to teach me about what really matters in life and how to have joy in unfavorable circumstances. His favor, however, has been upon my life immensely. The comfort and approval heart idols in my life are coming down! God alone is my comforter and worth. Things that once seemed like insurmountable giants in my life--anxiety, fear, emotions and discomfort—are nothing when compared with the peace and understanding that a life with Jesus brings when you fully and recklessly trust him.

I know that I still have much to learn. My life is about to be turned upside down—in a good way! — when we welcome our precious baby in September. I believe that so many of the lessons I have learned this year have been about the baby. God is equipping me as I begin to step out into my destiny. I will treasure this year forever.

Content and Carefree Living

“So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you” (1 Peter 5:6-7 TMB).

Content and carefree is how we should live if we really believe that God is in control. Therefore, faith is really all that is required of us. But why is faith so difficult, even though it is so simple? The answer is because our feelings are in direct opposition with faith. Faith is not a feeling.

This is hard for me since I am such an emotional being and I go by my feelings as many women do. Going with your “intuition” or feelings can be beneficial, but it can also be detrimental if it gets in the way of our faith, which hinders our freedom. "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1 NIV). The Amplified Bible adds that “faith [is] perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses.”

I am willful and passionate. I often go by my feelings and what I want to do or not want to do. My personality does not serve me well when I don’t want to do something. I always fall back on the verse that God will give me the “desires of [my] heart,” therefore, I should get a say in what I want to do. That is partly true, however, the full context of that verse is:

“Trust in the LORD and do good; 
dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD;
and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD,
trust also in Him, and He will do it” (Psalm 37:3-5 NASB).

That famous verse is sandwiched in between two other verses that instruct us to “Trust in the Lord” and to “commit you way to the Lord, trust also in Him.” We must trust in him and commit our ways to his ways as Jesus said," not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42). We must believe that God’s plans are indeed, “plans to prosper [us] and not to harm [us], plans to give [us] hope and a future” (Jerimiah 29:11 NIV). We must believe that “ without faith is is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6 NKJV). We must believe that HE IS. God is…

· In control

· For me

· My rock an my redeemer

· My comforter

· Faithful

· love

· My Father

· Lord of my life

· Good

· The Great I AM

I believe that God does want to reward us with good things, “exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think [even beyond the desires of our heart], according to the power that works in us” (Ephesians 3:20 NKJV), but I also believe that he first wants us to believe and have faith that He is. That is the power that works in us.

Lord, as the father of the possessed boy cried out, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24 NIV) so that I can live a content and carefree life trusting in you!

When Trials Come Your Way...

I would like to say the reason that I haven’t written in my blog lately is because I have been utterly consumed with my job and have had no time, although that is totally true. Perhaps the main reason I have not written more is because what I have been going through is so hard and so personal that I hesitated to share it because the feelings were so raw, I didn't know how transparent I could be. Transparency is the best way to be. Let's just start with the facts.

This has been a crazy year.

The year 2011 started off with the planning of my littlest sister’s wedding on May 21. All the while, I am unhappy subbing and looking for full time work and insurance so that Ashton and I could start planning our family. An answered prayer happened May 5^th when I was offered a full time teaching job in the fall. We took a much needed 3-week vacation in Florida during the summer. During that time, my other sister found out she was pregnant and Ashton’s grandmother found out she had cancer. There were also personal family issues with which I was dealing. We came back and it was time to get ready for the school year.

Before the job had even started I was unbelievably overwhelmed. Right after the first of the school year, Ashton’s grandmother passed away, a dear friend lost her life to a life-long battle with Cystic Fibrosis at only 26 years old, and I turned 30. I was constantly on the verge of tears that I would cry at anything. I have longed for 30 for so long because to me, it would be the age that I would be able to officially put the insecurity and foolishness of my 20’s behind me. How silly of me to think that I would magically change, as the clock struck midnight on August 29^th as if I were Cinderella. God would magically change me, but it wouldn’t be instant, that is for sure.

The past semester teaching has been the absolutely most difficult time in my life--constantly crying, wanting to quit every day. Words do not explain the pressure, stress and emotions that I felt—and still do. I am prone to be dramatic, however I say the following with certainty: My first semester teaching has been far more difficult than my dad passing away suddenly 3 months before I got married. And at the moment it seems more difficult than the torture-filled 3 years I spent battling an eating disorder. If this feeling were to last 3 years than it would with out a doubt be worse. The only thing I can compare the way I feel is to is the 3 years I spent in an emotionally abusive relationship, feeling trapped and powerless while everything in me literally screamed to get out. I am not comparing the situations, but rather the way I felt.

Perhaps the best way to explain it would be how Ashton does. He compares it to an illustration he once heard about a young child who gets a poisonous chemical splashed in his eyes. As his mother and father held his eye open under the water faucet to flush out the poison, he screams, “I hate you, mom and dad, I hate you!” because of the torturous pain. Although his parents knew it was best for their child to get the poison out, they were crying too because it hurt them to see their baby in such pain.

But only I am that child, screaming as God holds me under the faucet to get the poison out of my life.

It was truly the perfect storm: A first-year teacher at a first-year school teaching 6, 7, 8 and 9^th grade English with no books, no computers or technology, no white board, no desks, no lesson plans—only a confusing mess of CSCOPE curriculum.

But God…

Only God could orchestrate such a perfect storm. He knows that I have to go through this and deep down inside, I know that God is Lord over my situation. His handiwork is so obvious throughout all of this. I work with the most amazing people. God knew that this would be tough so he has placed me in the company of such a godly group of people to protect and comfort me. Despite the impossible circumstances, my work environment is always positive, uplifting and covered with prayer. The miraculous help that God has sent my way proves that He is leading me by a way I do not know and guiding me along unfamiliar paths. He is turning darkness into light before me and making the crooked places smooth. He is doing these things and He WILL NOT FORSAKE ME (Isaiah 42:16).

Nevertheless, this remains the hardest thing I have ever been through.

I know that it is so hard because I am trying to do all of the things that He wants to do through me. I don’t get how to stop striving and trying so hard because that is all I’ve ever done. Plus, I really am in a real situation that is really impossible. I am not simply making this up. I have a right to feel this way, right? Don't answer that. But how do you just stop trying when you have no clue how to? God knows that if I knew how to, I would take the credit for it and that is not what He wants.

Giving up control happens everyday, in the trenches when the enemy’s fire is relentless and my emotions are out of control.

I will say: I give it to you, God. I trust you. I will be joyful in this moment.

I know that I must consider it pure joy when trials come my way because God is perfecting my faith (James 1:2), but truthfully I look forward to the time that this is all over and I can look back in retrospect at the greatest year of my life. I know that I won’t even recognize myself when this thing is over and for that I must give God praise.

Supernatural Faith

Hope means holding on to you. Grace means you’re holding me too. –JJ Heller

Trust and faith are easy statements to make. It is the acting it out part that gets a little difficult. Who I am kidding? Sometimes it seems down right impossible. But we know that with God all things are possible and that with out faith it is impossible to please God. It is God who makes us have faith when we trust him. Trust is a frame of mind or a heart condition more than an assertion or even an action. Trust is a choice. Faith will take you where you want to be, but trust will make it possible. It is to believe God over your feelings when we get disappointed and our feelings don’t line up with the Word of God.

Take my job situation for example. As I wait to hear back from the school I interviewed at to be a teacher, many things go through my mind. How disappointed and discouraged I will be if I don’t get the job. Or if I do get the job, how will I do? Will it stress me out and be too much for me to handle? Will I enjoy it? Am I really ready? What will I do if I don’t get the job? I, I, I, I, I. What do I know? What I really need to be saying is God, God, God, God! All of these ponderings are answered in the Word of God.

First, He will never leave me.

Second, God works all things out for good.

And Third, God knows the plans He has for me.

Ahhh. See I feel better already! Now the tricky part is just trying to focus on God instead of me. God’s way is always the best way, but sometimes we just need to get out of the way!

Lord, help me to have supernatural faith that can move mountains, but yet help me to stand as firm as a mountain. Your way is perfect because You are perfect. I love you. Thank you for being You. Amen.

True Beauty

“While you are here, I want to check your measurements,” the head seamstress of one of my favorite designers in Dallas said before a big fashion show in 2007. As she took my measurements and looked at my model card, she was appalled.

“I don’t understand,” she barked. “Your card says this, but you really are this size! What happened?”

“I gained weight,” I replied plainly.

“Well, maybe you should just work out or do something about this,” she asserted.

I cringed. Maybe she didn’t know that I was currently in the grips of an eating disorder and constantly struggled with being thin enough. Maybe she did, but didn’t care. Maybe she was like most everyone in the fashion industry that silently congratulated any means necessary to remain super thin. All she cared about was having a model that was thin enough to wear the clothes. The sad part was is that at this time I was probably a small size 4.

“I do work out—a lot actually. I just gained a little weight. Such is life,” I told her, trying not to care.

The truth was that I did care. I knew that I had been too thin and obsessed with being as thin as possible. I love food and just could not starve myself any longer, so I had begun to gain some weight. For the past year, my weight had gone up and down as I struggled to remain as small as possible and trying to feed or ignore my starving spirit within me. Gaining weight as a model is shameful. I was no good if I wasn’t a size 0 or 2. I left that studio and went home— to work out.

A few days later it was my birthday and the day of the big fashion show at Victory Park. I love fashion shows—the excitement, the clothes, the people, the music, the lights and cameras. I was excited to see what they had for me to wear. As I tried on a skinny little pencil skirt, I realized that I couldn’t pull it up all the way because it was too small—or I was just too big. I instantly thought back to the measuring tape incident where I had been found out to be bigger than my agency said I was. I thought about the evil seamstress who told me I needed to work out more because I was too big. One of the assistants kindly switched my outfit with another girl and now I had a beautiful flowing wrap skirt. I loved it!

Later as we were getting dressed into our first look for the fashion show, the evil seamstress was in the dressing rooms, barking orders and acting like a drill sergeant, "helping" everyone get ready. To her glory and satisfaction, she was probably thrilled that I, this fat model had to have her wardrobe edited to accommodate her large hips. She made it a point to tie my new wrap skirt very tight—so tight that she pinched my skin.

“Ouch!” I flinched as she caught some skin in the knot.

“Oh, is it too tight?” Hitler’s wife smiled.

What a b$%@! I thought. She was bent on making me pay for gaining weight, wasn’t she? I was no longer the ideal model size. I was disposable and replaceable. She just had to prove her point that I was too big for all of the clothes and she just couldn’t take it that I hadn’t been thrown out of the show.

I don’t remember too many fashion shows or photo shoots after that point. I finally cancelled my contract the next year and stopped modeling all together. I was getting help for my depression and eating disorder. I had also just met Ashton and was engaged. When I think back on my modeling career, I am happy I did it. I had lots of fun, traveled, took some really great pictures, met some fun people in the fashion world and went to some great parties and exciting photo shoots.

But God had something else in mind for me. People always tell me that I look like a model or tell me that I should model. I smile and say thanks. Sometimes I even tell them that I used to. They ask me why I don’t any more. I try to say as little as possible, like: Modeling is a very selfish and sick career. It just wasn’t for me. Then I throw in the funny comment about how I love food too much. They laugh and that’s about it. As glad as I am that I did it and now that I don’t do it any more, it has made me realize what true beauty is. True beauty is the person that is looking back at you when you look into the mirror. But is even more than that.

“Rather, beauty is something internal that can't be destroyed. Beauty expresses itself in a gentle and quiet attitude which God considers precious” (1 Peter 3:4 God’s Word Translation).

The modeling industry may never understand true, internal beauty. Most models may be perfect and flawless on the outside, but they are deeply disturbed and tortured on the inside because they have— like I have and many others have—believed the lie that your worth is based on a number on a scale, a number on a measuring tape, or a number on a pair of jeans. I am so thankful that God has healed me from believing that lie and I love the size that I am now!

God, help us as women to see ourselves as you do. Help us to cultivate our inner beauty from a gentle and graceful spirit that only you can provide.

I Don't Like the Way You are Treating my Daughter

“I don’t like the way you are treating my daughter.” This is what God told me at a two-day church retreat called Kairos, which means “an appointed time with God.” I knew that He was talking about me and how I was treating myself. I am too hard on myself. Way too hard. This often carries over onto other people, especially in my marriage. A few days prior to this I wrote this in my journal:

God just showed me that I still hate myself. I don’t, but I know that He is right. I am constantly irritated or depressed or overwhelmed or angry or hurt. How have I gone on for so long? I need to get set free to BE myself. But who am I?

I am a creative, contemplative free-spirited girl. I absolutely love having fun and laughing. Something inside of me likes the person that I am. Its not true that I am always irritated or depressed, but I feel like something isn’t right inside of me and it has been like that for a long time. As I look back over my past journal entries, I see a common theme: pain, melancholy, doubt and fear. I can’t pin point when all this started. Then the lines I wrote occurred to me:

My heart feels like

Scattered pieces

My mind feels like

A thunderstorm.

This world is fallen

Broken bodies

Fix me, Jesus

Take me home.

We live in a fallen world of pain and death. Life is hard, but we have eternity buried deep with in us which makes us yearn for more. Surrender what you have, everything you can see for what you can’t see. Give it all away, all of the hurt and pain inside of you.

“So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (2. Cor. 4:18, NLT)

Don’t you just love God’s Word! It is my Rock and my Sanity in this fallen world. I just can not get enough of it! Not only everything that I see now, but those feelings of hurt, pain, fear, doubt, anxiety, depression and insecurity will soon be gone! Hallelujah!

Lord, let my eyes be fixed upon you so that I can endure until this fallen world has passed away and everything in it. FIX ME JESUS, TAKE ME HOME!

And Why Do You Worry About Clothes?

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matt. 6:25-34 NIV)

There I was again—having a breakdown in the closet. Ladies, you know what I mean. Nothing fits, you feel fat, you don’t have anything to wear, this needs to be ironed— and I’m running late.

Over the past few years, this has been the story of my life. I don’t know how many countless times my husband found me in tears in my closet as I declared that I am not going anywhere anymore because I am too fat and don’t have any clothes. Before it was my husband, it was my sister who found me like this. This has been an on-going thing. I have gained a healthy amount of weight since battling eating disorder and the last time I was this size was almost a decade ago. I found myself honestly having little clothes that fit (especially for a creative person who loves fashion like myself) or if they did fit, they were picked out by a much younger version of myself. A nearly 30-year-old does not need to wear what a 20-year-old would wear.

When I was discussing this problem (OK freaking out because I wanted $5,000 like they get on What Not To Wear to buy a new wardrobe) with my wise and precious husband, he told me to pray about it and quoted me Philipians 4:6: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. I am not unfamiliar with this concept. After all, I am the girl who wrote out my list of requirements for a husband, gave it to God and prayed over it. Then I met and married Ashton who was above and beyond all I could have wanted him to be (Eph. 3:20). So, I did the same with my wardrobe dilemma. I wrote out my prayer request entitled, “A Substantial Wardrobe” and included the quantity of articles of clothing I thought would make that true. Well, I didn’t get exactly what was on that list, but what I did get was so much more!

My sister house-sits for a precious Christian family whom God has blessed financially because of their faithfulness. They gave Haley a big box of designer clothes that they were getting rid of, most of which were my size! Today I tried them on and kept most of them! Not only were they a perfect fit, they were my style exactly! Now, don’t get me wrong, I love designer clothing, but I could never really afford it—not with my budget and how much I love to shop. So, I have been happy with Target, Ross, TJ Maxx and Express like most people. After I brought home all of those beautiful garments, I felt kind of silly because deep down inside I guess I thought that God did not care about me having plenty of cute and stylish clothes that flattered me and made me feel beautiful because He wanted me to be content with what I had. We should be content, but that doesn’t mean that we will not be blessed!

So, here I stand corrected. God ROCKS and he has good taste in clothing! (I’m talking Marc Jacobs, Nanette Lepore, Juicy Couture, Rock Revival and Tory Burch.) But why wouldn’t He? After all, he is God. He is the one who clothes the lilies of the field and dressed King Solomon in all of his splendor! (Mat. 6:28-29). (Believe me, kings do not wear rags.)

As I think about what God has done for me, I am overcome by His generosity and faithfulness. He is a God who meets needs—EVERY. SINGLE. NEED. (Even the kinda materialistic ones just because he can. J) Thank you Jesus!

Who am I Lord, that you look upon me? (Psalm 8:4). Who am I that should receive such gifts? I am the daughter of the Most High (Luke 6:35). I am the daughter of my Heavenly Father who knows me and gives me the desires of my heart because He knows how to give good gifts (Psalm 37:4, Mat. 7:11).

You can pray for ANYTHING, and if you have faith, you will receive it (Mat. 21:22 NLT).