You Are Not Who You Currently Are

God, help me to get my eyes off of myself and on the cross.  

What does that even mean?  

It means to trust that Jesus died for me.  While I was a sinner, he died.  I did nothing to earn or deserve it.  Nor can I do anything to earn or deserve his grace and mercy and love today.  I am free.  

The cross summed up in one word is freedom.  It was because of love that God sent his only son to die.  But to me, freedom is the manifestation of that love in my life: Freedom from sin and its consequences.  Freedom from my own negative thoughts.  Freedom to be who God created me to be.  Freedom from condemnation when I fall short, which I always will.  Not a picture perfect model.  Not a perfect clean house.  Not a perfect mom or wife.  My kid may throw fits,  I may overreact with my husband, and I may berate myself in my thoughts.  None of that matters because it doesn’t really matter when compared to the infinite value of knowing Jesus.  He offers me freedom from those things so that I can enjoy my life.  

Life may be messy, but I am not a mess.  

Jesus is bigger than your current reality.  

I’m going to say that again: Jesus is bigger than your current reality.  

All of those things that we hate in our lives and about ourselves fade away.  Jesus and the cross eclipse them so they can not be seen when you take your eyes off of yourself and look to the cross.  They may never go away while we are on this earth because we live in a fallen world, in broken bodies, but one thing that is true is that the imperfect will fade away when the Perfect comes.  Jesus is perfect.  

So stop trying to be perfect.  Stop beating yourself up for not being perfect.  Stop analyzing everything.  Stop seeing yourself from other’s judging eyes and start seeing yourself as God sees you.  When you look in a broken mirror the image reflected back is broken as well.  Stop looking in a broken mirror to tell you who you are.  Start looking to God who is the perfect reflection to tell you who you are.  You are not who you currently are. Let that sink in.  You are not who you currently are.  So stop looking at yourself and start looking to the cross.  

Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn’t, and doesn’t, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn’t been so weak, we wouldn’t have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him (Romans 5:6-8 MSG).

We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up (Hebrews 12:2-3 NLT).

So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law (Gal. 5:1 NLT).

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16 NIV).

But when completeness comes, what is in part disappears… now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known (1 Corinthians 13:10,12 NIV).

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard (Romans 3:23 NLT).

Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly]. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish (refuse, dregs), in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One) (Philippians 3:8 AMP).

The Day Noelle was Born

I had just got done working a very long week of teacher in service.  I didn’t do much but sit, but it was a big change from taking it easy at the house all summer, sleeping in, taking naps and cooling off in the pool.  It was the end of my 35^th week of pregnancy.  I was in so much pain—my lower back, hips, and abdomen.  I’d resorted to using a heating pad in August in Texas if that tell you how desperate I was.  Friday finally came and I was so glad to have the weekend ahead of me to rest and get stuff ready for the baby.  I still needed to pack the hospital bag and go to the store to get the remaining things I needed. I even had a massage scheduled on Saturday!  This was going to be a productive and restful weekend! 

But God had other plans…

Friday night at midnight I woke up to my water breaking, but I was one of those women who for some reason didn’t realize it.  I was currently getting up at least 3 times during the night to pee so I thought that I might have peed on myself because Noelle was right on my bladder.  I went to the bathroom, but it kept on coming out at so I just tucked a wash cloth in my panties and tried to go back to sleep.  I didn’t think I could be truly going into labor because I was barely 36 weeks, my bag wasn’t packed, and I didn’t have any contractions.  I did have cramps, but I’d been having all sorts of pain down there so I just took some Tylenol, not thinking anything about it.  Furthermore, I didn’t want to go to the hospital!  This could not be it!!  All I wanted to do was sleep. 

But first I did what any normal person would do.  I had to google it.  All I got was a confusing bunch of responses on how to tell if it was truly your water breaking.  Typical.  After googling something, I am only more lost.  Finally, I woke up Ashton.  

“I think that my water broke, but I don’t have any contractions,” I said.

“No, I don’t think that’s what it is.  It’s this other thing that the Prepared Childbirth class told us about that you’d think is your water breaking,” Ashton said.

“I don’t remember, but I guess that you’re right,” I said, thinking that I haven’t been able to remember anything in quite some time.  Surely he has more of a brain than me at this point. 

We prayed together and went back to sleep.  It was pretty frustrating trying to sleep with all of this fluid gushing out of me, so I kept on having to change out the washcloths.  (Stupid?  Yes.  But don’t judge.  At least I wasn’t one of those girls you hear about who give birth and didn’t even know they were pregnant! Sorry if one of those girls is reading this.  But seriously, you didn’t even know you were pregnant?!)

In the morning Ashton got up to run and I stayed in bed to sleep in.  Ashton came back in to tell me that he’d talked with his friend, Brandon on his run who’d confirmed that his wife had the same thing happen, but it wasn’t her water.  They had diagnosed me.  I was definitely not in labor.  Hmmm, I thought.  That’s weird. 

Ashton left again to take Nola for a walk and I got up out of bed to call the doctor’s office just for a piece of mind so that they could tell me about this mysterious other thing that happens that is exactly like your water breaking but isn’t.  I told them what had happened and they said to go to Triage at the Hospital immediately.  I was going to have a baby today.  My stomach tightened and my chest got heavy.  Oh. My. Gosh. 

I’ll never forget the emotions that swept over me.  I was half doubting, half scared and half excited.  Would this really be the day that I gave birth?  Will they just send me back home?  It was not like I’d planned at all.  I didn’t even feel any contractions!  I called Ashton to come back home and said we had to go to the hospital.  I called my mom and told her that we were going to the hospital and she said she’d meet us there. 

I started crying as the emotions overwhelmed me.  I couldn’t think.  I tried to start packing my bag and went into the bathroom to straighten my bangs.  I was actually about to put on some makeup.  Ashton came in.  “What are you doing?” he said.  “I will straighten my bangs,” I said, daring him to try and stop me.  “And my bag’s not ready.”  “We’ll come back for it,” he said.  “Ok, let’s go,” I said.  “Just let me straighten my bangs first.” 

We got in the car.  Why was he driving so slow?  I started to get angry and worried that we’d waited so long.  I was hoping and praying that Noelle was still ok.  Did she have enough fluid still in there to keep her alive?  I could still feel her move, so that gave me some peace.  My sisters were texting how excited they were.  I texted back, not to get too excited yet.  This wasn’t it.  It couldn’t be.  I just knew they’d send me back home. 

We finally made it to the hospital and I calmly walked into Triage and told them that I think my water broke.  I filled out some paper work and changed into my gown.

After my exam they confirmed that my water had broken.  I will not cry, I thought to myself.  I will not cry.  I will cry.  And I did.  Oh wow.  I’m about to have my baby. 

I guess I was going to have to call and cancel my massage today after all.  

When I got to my room, we started talking about pain medicine.  I was only dilated a little bit, not even a centimeter yet.  They were worried about infection since my water had broken so long ago.  It had been 9 or 10 hours at this point, and I wasn’t dilating so they were going to give me pitocin to speed things up.  They asked if I was getting an epidural.  I said yes, but not right now.  They told me that the pitocin would really get my contractions going and if I was going to get one, I’d better go ahead.  Oh no, I thought.  This was one of the other things I’d googled a lot.  I was afraid that getting an epidural too soon would stall the labor.  I thought I wouldn’t be able to push.  Frankly at this point I was more concerned that I couldn’t eat anything all day. Oh well.  Let’s do this.

I ended up getting the epidural right away since they assured me it wouldn’t slow down labor because of the pitocin— and I didn’t want to feel those contractions!  Right then all I felt was moderate cramps.  And that’s basically the most I felt as far as pain is concerned.  So if you are going to get an epidural, but have any reservations about getting it too early, don’t.  It’s pure heaven.  And if I wasn’t already married, I probably would have tried to marry the anesthesiologist. 

Finally at 4:00, I was ready to push.  Luckily, I could feel the contractions, but not the pain, so I knew when to push.  I was so thirsty, but barely had time between pushing to munch down a piece of ice that Ashton gave me.  I kept thinking, how is this supposed to even happen?

After 30 minutes of pushing, Noelle was born.  I will never forget how wonderful that felt—what a relief and release!  I instantly started to cry.  My baby was here!  They laid her on me and I didn’t even care that she was all messy.  I kissed her so many times and kept exclaiming, “You’re perfect, you’re so perfect!”  My baby angel girl had arrived!  Noelle Celeste Prejean, 6 lbs. 7 oz. 18 ½ in, was born at 4:29 P.M. on August 18, 2012.  Our lives will never be the same! 

Things started to die down and I was finally able to eat.  They had taken Noelle to the nursery and I was the only one in the room as I ate—just me and my thoughts.  It was so peaceful and I was so happy.   Did this all really just happen?  It was all so surreal. 

I finally got moved to my recovery room, but they still had Noelle in the nursery.  She had some fluid in her lungs and were keeping her in there for a while for X-rays and exams.  Finally after 9 P.M. they brought her to my room. After I got to see my baby again, it felt like all was right in the world.  They kept her in the nursery over night for observation because she was making a grunting noise and because she was a late preterm baby. 

I was so exhausted, I barely remember the rest of the night.  I had to ask Ashton if they even brought her to me to breastfeed.  Which they did, I was just so tired I couldn’t remember.  At that point, deciding to sleep for 8 more hours instead of going into the hospital at midnight when my water broke seemed like a pretty good decision. 

The next morning, they brought her to me, and I got to keep her in my room.  We were finally able to bond!  We cuddled and practiced breastfeeding.  I was able to care for her all on my own!  She slept the night in my room and I enjoyed every bit of waking up to feed her.  It was just her and me…and Ashton asleep on the couch :).  I loved watching her sleep on me—a perfect angel. 

The next day, the nursery nurse came in.  I couldn’t wait to tell her how good she was doing.  She had other news to give. 

They were taking my baby to NICU.  Her blood sugar was low and she was still grunting.  They were worried about an infection.  I could feel the hot tears begin to form in my eyes as my nose burned.  My heart had been broken.  “Do you have to take her now?” I asked.  She said yes.  I couldn’t believe this was happening.  I had been so glad that even with Noelle being born 4 weeks early, she was healthy enough to go to the regular nursery instead of NICU at first. 

Having to give my baby up like that after we had spent time loving on each other was terrible.  I know that this was what was best for her, but it tore me up.  I held it together for a little while, but after the nurse wheeled my precious Noelle out the door, I lost it and just wept.  I felt so empty—so helpless. 

I went to NICU every 3 hours to visit Noelle and spent at least 2 hours in there, feeding, pumping, changing, holding. . .wishing, praying.  I’d go back to my room for a short time to rest and then go back.  I was exhausted.  I was tortured.  I lay in bed and looked at the pictures I had of her from that day when we bonded.  I cried all night that night. 

The 24 hours that Noelle was in NICU was the longest and some of the most horrible moments of my life.  I know that other parents have babies in there for weeks and have to go home with out them.  I don’t know how they do it.  I hated seeing my baby hooked up with all of those wires.  I hated having to leave my room to go down there to see her and feed her.  The worst part was feeling like my baby wasn’t my baby at all.  I couldn’t wait to go home with her.

After 4 days in the hospital, we could both go home!  Noelle ended up not having an infection, but I’m glad that we took the precautions.  The day she was born was probably the best day of my life, but the day we went home would be a close second.  This is where our story would truly begin.  We would start this amazing journey together as mother and daughter!  The gift I’d always wanted.  God has truly given me the desire of my heart.    

Noelle, you amaze me.  You are such a sweet angel.  Everyone says how beautiful you are and what a doll you are.  They’re right.  But you are so much more.  You’ve stolen my heart and I’ll never be the same.  You’ve come so far and learned so much in such a brief period of time.  You’ve taught me so much too—like how to be patient when you need me in the middle of the night--again.  Even though it’s hard to lose so much sleep, I treasure holding you and comforting you back to sleep.  I will never stop loving you or praying for you.  I can’t wait until I can braid your hair and paint your nails.  I’m going to love playing dress up with you, going shopping with you and teaching you all about style.  It’s going to be great when you and I can talk and talk for hours about anything.  I am honored to be your mommy, Noelle.  I love you more than words can say…more than you’ll ever know.  

Getting ready to have a baby!!

Presenting Noelle Celeste Prejean! 

Perfection! 

Love at first sight! 

Proud parents 

I can't stop looking at this angel! 

Taking it all in

I love my mommy's kisses! 

Sleeping Angel

Cuddle time 

About to go HOME!!!!!

Content and Carefree Living

“So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you” (1 Peter 5:6-7 TMB).

Content and carefree is how we should live if we really believe that God is in control. Therefore, faith is really all that is required of us. But why is faith so difficult, even though it is so simple? The answer is because our feelings are in direct opposition with faith. Faith is not a feeling.

This is hard for me since I am such an emotional being and I go by my feelings as many women do. Going with your “intuition” or feelings can be beneficial, but it can also be detrimental if it gets in the way of our faith, which hinders our freedom. "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1 NIV). The Amplified Bible adds that “faith [is] perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses.”

I am willful and passionate. I often go by my feelings and what I want to do or not want to do. My personality does not serve me well when I don’t want to do something. I always fall back on the verse that God will give me the “desires of [my] heart,” therefore, I should get a say in what I want to do. That is partly true, however, the full context of that verse is:

“Trust in the LORD and do good; 
dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD;
and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD,
trust also in Him, and He will do it” (Psalm 37:3-5 NASB).

That famous verse is sandwiched in between two other verses that instruct us to “Trust in the Lord” and to “commit you way to the Lord, trust also in Him.” We must trust in him and commit our ways to his ways as Jesus said," not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42). We must believe that God’s plans are indeed, “plans to prosper [us] and not to harm [us], plans to give [us] hope and a future” (Jerimiah 29:11 NIV). We must believe that “ without faith is is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6 NKJV). We must believe that HE IS. God is…

· In control

· For me

· My rock an my redeemer

· My comforter

· Faithful

· love

· My Father

· Lord of my life

· Good

· The Great I AM

I believe that God does want to reward us with good things, “exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think [even beyond the desires of our heart], according to the power that works in us” (Ephesians 3:20 NKJV), but I also believe that he first wants us to believe and have faith that He is. That is the power that works in us.

Lord, as the father of the possessed boy cried out, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24 NIV) so that I can live a content and carefree life trusting in you!

The Stuff Life is Made of

I love to reminiscence about life and look at pictures and the way things were. I love how just a scent or a picture in my mind can remind me of how I felt at a certain time in my life. I also love to daydream about what the future holds and make plans for fun vacations that I want to take or parties that I want to have. But life is really nothing more than memories and dreams if you don’t have Jesus to give you peace, hope and love.

And what about the bad memories? I wish that sometimes my past hurts and traumas would just disappear, but we can’t just sort through our memories and forget the bad ones or take them out with the trash. Sadly enough, it’s the bad memories that seemed engrained in our minds. It’s the bad memories that change us the most. But what we can do is take all of our memories—good and bad to the Cross and give them to Jesus and see what he would have us do with them. With Jesus, memories become your testimony that speak out power and encouragement.

And what about the dreams that don’t come true? The Bible says that hope deferred make the heart sick (Prov. 13:12). We all have a sick heart caused from things that we have hoped and prayed for that still did not come true. But with Jesus, dreams become your hope and future for a better place than this sick and fallen world.

So be encouraged. The stuff life is made of really is mainly memories and dreams. But the Bible tells us that "no eye has seen, no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived the things God has prepared for those who love him" (1 Cor. 2:9). Jesus came to give us an abundant and full life (John 10:10). When life is full of bad memories and shattered dreams and seems so hard and pointless, just remember that Jesus came to give us more and one day it will be ours!

I Don't Like the Way You are Treating my Daughter

“I don’t like the way you are treating my daughter.” This is what God told me at a two-day church retreat called Kairos, which means “an appointed time with God.” I knew that He was talking about me and how I was treating myself. I am too hard on myself. Way too hard. This often carries over onto other people, especially in my marriage. A few days prior to this I wrote this in my journal:

God just showed me that I still hate myself. I don’t, but I know that He is right. I am constantly irritated or depressed or overwhelmed or angry or hurt. How have I gone on for so long? I need to get set free to BE myself. But who am I?

I am a creative, contemplative free-spirited girl. I absolutely love having fun and laughing. Something inside of me likes the person that I am. Its not true that I am always irritated or depressed, but I feel like something isn’t right inside of me and it has been like that for a long time. As I look back over my past journal entries, I see a common theme: pain, melancholy, doubt and fear. I can’t pin point when all this started. Then the lines I wrote occurred to me:

My heart feels like

Scattered pieces

My mind feels like

A thunderstorm.

This world is fallen

Broken bodies

Fix me, Jesus

Take me home.

We live in a fallen world of pain and death. Life is hard, but we have eternity buried deep with in us which makes us yearn for more. Surrender what you have, everything you can see for what you can’t see. Give it all away, all of the hurt and pain inside of you.

“So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (2. Cor. 4:18, NLT)

Don’t you just love God’s Word! It is my Rock and my Sanity in this fallen world. I just can not get enough of it! Not only everything that I see now, but those feelings of hurt, pain, fear, doubt, anxiety, depression and insecurity will soon be gone! Hallelujah!

Lord, let my eyes be fixed upon you so that I can endure until this fallen world has passed away and everything in it. FIX ME JESUS, TAKE ME HOME!

Let it Fall to the Ground

But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ. (Phil. 3:7-8 NASB)

We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. (2 Cor. 10:5 NLT)

Once I wrote in desperation that I need to be so dependant on God that everything else around me call fall to the ground. That is kind of extreme, but I have learned that unless I have that attitude I will try and hold on to things that I should let go and try to focus on things that are not worthy of my time and energy. My striving, my pride, my selfish desires, my flesh, my bad attitude, my feelings, my cares, my worries-- Everything needs to fall to the ground. Let it hit the floor. I don’t care. Scripture says that these things are rubbish, garbage, worthless. Webster's Bible Translation even calls them “dung”! That means that they stink! We need to flush these things down the toilet where they belong.

Why don’t we do this? Why is it so hard to shake these things? Because we don’t want to. The truth be told, I don’t always want to shake my bad habits and sit down quietly with God because I don’t feel like it. I want to zone out and not think. It’s hard and I’m tired. Plus, how am I supposed to stop feeling a certain way? I am sick of fighting.

It is a lie to believe that we should not fight. These things are worth us fighting to get rid of because on the other side is “more and better life than [we] ever dreamed of” (John 10:10 TMB). These things are keeping me from the joy and healing that Jesus came to give (Psalms 147:3).

Lord, heal your people from a spirit of slumber. We don’t want to be casual Christians. We don’t want to live a luke-warm life. I am sick of living a dulled life because of fear and weariness. Come into our lives and have your way, Jesus. Give us rest because you promised and you love us. Thank you for that Truth. Amen.

What is Real?

We have all heard the phrase raw emotion, but what is real emotion? Is it the same? Is it an impossibility—an oxymoron—a paradox? I argue that we embrace the idea of a paradox. Afterall, God Himself is a paradox. Real emotion is real. What is real is what has happened as evidenced by physical, emotional or mental witnesses. It is not what is wrong or right, but what is real. Though they may be wrong, they can still be real and deserve to be acknowledged. So I have been journaling about it and googling about the idea of things real and came across this quote from The Velveteen Rabbit:

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Being real is messy. It takes a long time, because what is real isn't just a simple answer. Being real is about having real emotions. We are alive because we can feel and we feel because we are alive.

What's more is that Jesus said that He came to heal the broken hearted. He didn't come to tell us that we shouldn't be broken hearted, but to heal us. God cares about our emotions. He created them. And expressing our emotions in a constructive way creates room for God to heal us.

All of this may be prompting a book, so please, share your insights and ideas!

Life Story

Once upon a time I used to not trust myself. I would not put anything down on the page because I was insecure. I used to write to please others before I wrote to please myself. I guess that is what happened when I tired to get accepted into the MFA program at Texas State. I tried to write for the people who would read it, but I had no idea who they were. I was writing for people that I knew would hate my stuff. Everything that I put on the page, even now, I worry if my reader will approve of it. Will they approve of me? Ultimately, I was putting myself on the page, but often times when I looked at it I did not like myself. How tragic.

Life is tragic. Life is traumatic. When I look back on my thought life especially, I wonder how I am not in a straight jacket rocking myself in a pink and blue room. But also when I look back, I am happy. I love life and I have really enjoyed living it. I feel lucky and special to have such a blessed life. I know that this is God’s doing, I wonder if everyone feels special? Sometimes special is good and sometimes it is bad. It just depends on the perspective that you decide to look at it with. Decide. Decision. Life is a decision. Life will find a way. It will go on, with or with out us, but the decision happens when we decide how to look at life and not just take life as it comes. I have felt as if I don’t have a purpose, that nothing has a purpose. I have been depressed because I have not been pressing. I have been asleep. I have been among the dead.

Perhaps it is because I am bored that I am tired all of the time. I love to have fun and I am really enjoying what it is like to be me—finally! But maybe I don’t do this stuff enough. Why must I feel like I am wasting time if I am doing something I love? I feel guilty when I am not “getting stuff done.” I have said in the past that I love to run errands, but do I really? Everyday is a new day to discover yourself. Everyday is a new day to discover God. I wish that I could just stop waiting to arrive and just look up and see that I am living my life. I decide who, I decide where and how much. Thank you Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman for reminding me. Free Will is a beautiful thing. No, not Free Willie!-- Free will. Free Willie has become a killer of a killer whale and is sick of being locked up in bondage. Sound familiar? Free will is such a beautiful gift of God. Why do I, you, we choose to use it to decide to be in bondage. Life is free so we should live free. The End.

I Belong to You

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”

Mother Theresa

We are not to own anything but responsibility. People do not belong to other people because we belong to God. Ownership places one being over another. When privilege is assigned to one and not the other, tension arises because of imbalance and because of tension, disunity results. Since unity and harmony are interchangeable, we must remember that we belong to each other to avoid the imbalance of ownership. I need you as much as you need me. We are one in the same.

Brilliance does not come from the mind but from the heart. Brilliance is knowledge with passion.

I Don't Want To

Doesn't life sometimes get in the way of living? I often struggle with this because I would rather be doing anything other than what I am supposed to be doing. There is nothing like that strong desire to organize your closet or clean the house when there is a research paper to write. And what a great time to catch up with friends and family! I think that I will makeover my exercise routine. I'm going to spend time with God all day today. My car really needs to be washed.

I still haven't figured this out yet, but I attribute much of the problem to the "I don't want to" mentality. It doesn't matter what it is I should do-- "I don't want to." My rational side more than not wins and my creativity is stifled once again. Thus explains my love/ hate relationship with writing. I love to do it, but I hate to do it when I have to. Haven't I grown out of this yet?

Today is one of those days. I am not working today so that I can work on my research paper that is due next week. And to make matters better, the paper is on Wordsworth or Coleridge--the Romantic Giants in Poetry. Nothing could be better....

Except shopping. Or maybe starting a great non-school book. I could make a scrapbook. Or I still have that blank canvas upstairs waiting to be painted. It sure is a nice day for a walk. Maybe I can run errands for my husband...

Personal Truths

Life is so amazing. Our individual lives are uniquely made up of family and loved ones, good times, bad times, hopes, dreams and wishes. Sometimes God grants us our prayers and sometimes he doesn’t. The best thing about life is that no matter what happens, God is in control.

“I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in one’s lifetime” (Ecl. 3:12).

Our job is not to worry or to get upset. God wants us to enjoy life (Joyce Meyer is great on this)! So many times, we get caught up in circumstances in our lives and we are like the rocky soil or among the soil with the thorns.

“In a similar way these are the ones on whom seed was sown on the rocky places, who, when they hear the word, immediately receive it with joy; and they have no firm root in themselves, but are only temporary; then, when affliction or persecution arises because of the word, immediately they fall away. "And others are the ones on whom seed was sown among the thorns; these are the ones who have heard the word, but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. "And those are the ones on whom seed was sown on the good soil; and they hear the word and accept it and bear fruit, thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold." And He was saying to them, "A lamp is not brought to be put under a basket, is it, or under a bed? Is it not brought to be put on the lampstand?” (Mark 4:17-21).

Jesus is our light (John 8:12). He has overcome the world and since we believe in Jesus and are children of God we have too have overcome the world (John 16:33, 1 John 5:4-5). I believe that while Jesus is the light, we are the lampstand. He uses our circumstances to shed light on the truth. I don’t think that knowing the truth is the hard part. It is hard to accept the truth in our hearts so deeply that the thorns or hard times do not choke the fruit of God’s seed out of our lives. Now, if the truth is life, what is death? Jesus said, “Whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life” (John 5:24). Death is the opposite of life or truth. While there is one Death and one Truth, I believe that there are many deaths and therefore, many truths. Let me explain.

We are each called into a personal relationship with God through Jesus. If each of us is a unique individual part of the Body of Christ; our personal relationship with Jesus is just as unique as we are. God created us. He knows our inmost workings. Therefore, there are also many individual truths in our lives. Before my dad passed away, he said that his “greater truth” is that he has three daughters who pray for him. He had received salvation by asking Jesus to be Lord of his life before he died. Jesus was his Truth, but his personal truth that helped him through the hard times was that he had 3 daughters who loved him and prayed for him.

Our personal truths are those things that Jesus has made dear to our hearts so that we better understand the love that he has for us. Our personal truth is God’s gift to us that make each of us different. It is what makes us feel alive. There is always the Truth that Jesus is our salvation, but Jesus loves us so individually, we have personal truths that work like a knowing wink or understanding hug to encourage us when we are struggling.

I compare deaths to daily deaths to the flesh and struggles that we each go through every day. If we do not die to these hard times in the flesh then our spirit will die. Either way, there is death. Our personal deaths are our unique struggles that we endure and overcome during our walk with Jesus. They are our crosses to bear. If we die to the flesh then our cross is freedom in Jesus (Gal. 5:1), but if we die to the Spirit then we suffer death.

The following Scriptures have helped me understand what it is like to have a personal relationship with Jesus.

“I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,

And I am saved from my enemies.
The cords of death encompassed me,
And the torrents of ungodliness terrified me.
The cords of Sheol surrounded me;
The snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called upon the LORD,
And cried to my God for help;

He heard my voice out of His temple,

And my cry for help before Him came into His ears” (Psalm 18:3-6 emphasis mine).

One day God showed to name my specific struggle in place of “Sheol.” It was very liberating to see that God cares about my personal struggles. These struggles may not mean much to others, but to God they are a matter of life and death.

The Easton’s Bible Dictionary defines Sheol as:"the all-demanding world, "the unknown region”, the invisible world of departed souls

This is also translated as as “Hell” which means:

(1.) Sheol, occurring in the Old Testament sixty-five times. This word sheol is derived from a root-word meaning "to ask," "demand;" hence insatiableness (Prov 30:15,16). It is rendered "grave" thirty-one times (Gen 37:35; 42:38; 44:29,31; 1 Sam 2:6, etc.). The Revisers have retained this rendering in the historical books with the original word in the margin, while in the poetical books they have reversed this rule.

In thirty-one cases in the Authorized Version this word is rendered "hell," the place of disembodied spirits. The inhabitants of sheol are "the congregation of the dead" (Prov 21:16). It is (a) the abode of the wicked (Num 16:33; Job 24:19; Ps 9:17; 31:17, etc.); (b) of the good (Ps 16:10; 30:3; 49:15; 86:13, etc.).

Sheol is described as deep (Job 11:8), dark (10:21,22), with bars (17:16). The dead "go down" to it (Num 16:30,33; Ezek 31:15,16,17).

(2.) The Greek word hades of the New Testament has the same scope of signification as

Sheol of the Old Testament. It is a prison (1 Peter 3:19), with gates and bars and locks (Matt 16:18; Rev 1:18), and it is downward (Matt 11:23; Luke 10:15).(from Easton's Bible Dictionary, PC Study Bible formatted electronic database Copyright © 2003, 2006 Biblesoft, Inc. All rights reserved.)

What has been your Sheol or your “personal hell”? Beth Moore’s wonderful book Get Out of that Pit discusses what a pit is like and how you know if you are in one. The definitions of Pit and Sheol are so similar, they can be interchangeable. Try it for yourself and insert your personal struggle in for “Sheol” everytime you see it in the Bible. It has really helped me know that God cares about my personal problems and that he hears my voice when the cords and snares of my struggles overwhelm me.

On the bright side, what are your personal truths that keep you running the race that you were called to run? Is it a bubble bath will always calm you down? Is it knowing that your mom is always ready to listen with a sympathetic ear? Is it how fresh you feel after worshiping God at church? Or is it that when you are around friends and family you know that you are loved? What ever “it” is--it helps me to see life as it really is-- family and loved ones, good times, bad times, hopes, dreams and wishes—and who is at the center of it—Jesus!

Be blessed!