A Prayerful Poem

As I sat down to pray, I became a little overwhelmed as I usually do when I actually think about everything that I want to pray for. The Bible tells us not worry about anything, but to pray about everything. I take this seriously, because of how much I am prone to worry. I also am prone to wonder and have some trouble focusing. I want to go do something that is urgent instead of something that is important. Then I remembered hearing John Piper talk about the importance of poetry in the Christian's life. He said that of all of the things that we spend our time on, poetry is probably one of the best. I am the best at wasting time and the worst at sitting still unless I am wasting time, but I do enjoy poetry very much. I thought that instead of struggling to focus and giving up on praying entirely, I wrote a quick poem with prayers for some of the closest people to me. Here is what I came up with.

God is faithful to meet our needs

According to his great goodness

He sent His only son to die

There is no greater love than this

Now that my soul’s been saved

I look around the ones I love

I close my eyes and sing a song

To my healing God who lives above

Lord, I pray for sister Haley

To rest and trust in none but You

To have the wedding of her dreams

And a godly marriage of Three, not two

For Joseph, my future brother in love

Please take care of all his needs

His career, school and future too

To be the husband Haley needs

Sister Megan, Lord keep her safe

Fulfill her every heart's desire

Give her peace and Your sweet rest

So doing good she’ll never tire

Her Husband Jason, I lift to You

Please guide him as he lives and works

Redeem His life with your saving grace

For the days are evil and darkness lurks

My Mama--who could ask for anything more

I’d love nothing else but her delight

To keep her healthy, living long

With no more tears and no more fight

My husband Ashton, what a man!

Help me to love him like no one can

Bless his job, his health, his life

Teach him to romance His lovely wife

God thank you for these souls

Most close and dear to me

In them I can sense Your grace

Your tender love and beauty

Oh God you have my heart and prayers

Your perfect plan is what I crave

Thank you for your loving ways

And that because of Jesus You forgave

Sweet Jesus

I am on a roll today with these blog posts--This is #3! I guess that being snow/iced in is a good thing for creative writing! Here is a new poem (could also be song lyrics!) I just put together today called "Sweet Jesus."

My spirit is free

To pray and rejoice

To flap its wings

For this is my choice

In the Spirit I live

Because you forgive

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

To You I give in

You hold me captive

My soul at ease

Because of Your love

It takes me in

And brings me above

My troubles I face

Enemies in every place

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

You calm me and keep me

Because of God’s grace

My heart at rest

In Jesus’ hands

The Truth remains

washing over the land

like waves on the shore

I am hungry for more

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

You give me what I

Have been looking for

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

You are what I

Have been dying for

Angel

This is a poem I wrote about my journey as a Christian and the bondage that I came under after I was saved. It is about how God set me free after he saved my soul.

My spirit heard the Truth.

And liked how it sounded.

It was like a vine growing to the sound of music in a garden.

But I did not build a wall around my garden of truth.

And the wolves came and chewed out the vine.

They were still hungry and so I fed them more.

Weeds of lies choked out the spirit of truth.

The fruit never ripened and my soul was in despair.

How could you let this happen? My soul screamed.

I can’t go on any longer, My spirit cried.

My heart grew deceitful and evil grew from within.

I hated my garden then.

I wanted to run away—

I wanted to fly away like a bird

But never return.

But I would keep flying and falling into the quicksand of death.

Though I would not return, it would return to me.

I wanted to do good, but I did not know how.

I only knew how to feed the wolves.

And so I did for many years,

Until I was spared.

My angel was a young girl with long blonde hair

It was stringy, yet soft and smelled of powder.

I thought that it would touch the ground.

She did not have wings, but she carried a mirror.

It was embellished with jewels and looked far too heavy for her to carry.

But she held it softly as if it were a butterfly.

She came up to me and held it to my heart.

I was afraid of what she would see, so I flinched and closed my eyes, afraid to look.

But I felt something encouraging me.

It is okay, He said to me and so I saw.

I no longer saw the garden of weeds and death.

But a butterfly on a flower.

I no longer heard the screams for help.

I saw the sun and felt the breeze.

Who was this girl with the mirror? I wondered.

She smiled and then I knew.

That girl was me.

I Don't Like the Way You are Treating my Daughter

“I don’t like the way you are treating my daughter.” This is what God told me at a two-day church retreat called Kairos, which means “an appointed time with God.” I knew that He was talking about me and how I was treating myself. I am too hard on myself. Way too hard. This often carries over onto other people, especially in my marriage. A few days prior to this I wrote this in my journal:

God just showed me that I still hate myself. I don’t, but I know that He is right. I am constantly irritated or depressed or overwhelmed or angry or hurt. How have I gone on for so long? I need to get set free to BE myself. But who am I?

I am a creative, contemplative free-spirited girl. I absolutely love having fun and laughing. Something inside of me likes the person that I am. Its not true that I am always irritated or depressed, but I feel like something isn’t right inside of me and it has been like that for a long time. As I look back over my past journal entries, I see a common theme: pain, melancholy, doubt and fear. I can’t pin point when all this started. Then the lines I wrote occurred to me:

My heart feels like

Scattered pieces

My mind feels like

A thunderstorm.

This world is fallen

Broken bodies

Fix me, Jesus

Take me home.

We live in a fallen world of pain and death. Life is hard, but we have eternity buried deep with in us which makes us yearn for more. Surrender what you have, everything you can see for what you can’t see. Give it all away, all of the hurt and pain inside of you.

“So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (2. Cor. 4:18, NLT)

Don’t you just love God’s Word! It is my Rock and my Sanity in this fallen world. I just can not get enough of it! Not only everything that I see now, but those feelings of hurt, pain, fear, doubt, anxiety, depression and insecurity will soon be gone! Hallelujah!

Lord, let my eyes be fixed upon you so that I can endure until this fallen world has passed away and everything in it. FIX ME JESUS, TAKE ME HOME!

Take Me Home

My heart feels like

Scattered pieces

My mind feels like

A thunderstorm.

This world is fallen

Broken bodies

Fix me, Jesus

Take me home.

Search Me

Search me oh God

But I am scared to see

What pains lurk there

Deep within me.

I want to change.

I want to grow.

Heal me Father

This I know--

That I am your child

Chosen and dearly loved.

You fill my heart

With love from above.

Yet life is too much.

I cannot bear

To go on

With out you near.

Close the gap

Between my heart and brain

So that I can praise you--

Always the same.

Change me Father

From the inside out.

Make this soul of mine

Scream and shout.

For your glory--

For your love--

For your healing--

Sweet God above.

House of Cards

I have a confession. I am an expert at appearing and not being. Just like Machiavelli's The Prince, I have perfected the art of seeming and not being. I am a house of cards, that may look pretty, but comes crashing down at the first sign of trouble. I did not come to be this way by accident. In grade school I wanted to appear smart, yet cool, so I would purposely get things wrong on my tests and school work so that I wouldn't get made fun of for being smart and getting 100's. How sad. How very sad that insecurity had its grips on me so early. Fast forward to modeling. Oh, if ever there was a career that destroyed the inner woman at the expense of the way she looks it is modeling. I loved modeling, but I hated what I let it do to me. That's right. I was not a victim. I chose to become a professional model and listen to what the world said I should look like. This all reminds me of a poem I wrote and the importance of who we are rather than what we appear. Enjoy.

Be

We are like squirming children

darting our attention to whatever sparkles or moves

Be still my child and know that I am God

We fill our days with emptiness—

that all consuming void which violates our souls

Be still my child and know that I am God

We do busy

We do stress

We do not rest

The human-doing is not

being

feeling

breathing

Be still my child and know that I am God

The truth is out

But do we care?

The verdict is guilty—

We are lost, but if we would only stop

we would be there

we would find the way—

Be still my child and know that I am God

I close my eyes—

I breathe

I love

I feel

I am—

Are you?

To Gather Paradise

To gather Paradise

on this dark day

begins with Imagination

mixed with God play--

He created Day

And made it separate from the night,

But doesn’t that mean

That day is full of light?

What about those dreary days

When rain falls from the sky?

When birds don’t sing

And the sun just seems too high?

Just bow your head

And close your eyes

And whisper this little prayer:

God, let me see as your eyes do

So full of love and care--

Your Son is here

inside of me.

He died that day

So I could be free--

Of life that’s full of clouds

Of day that looks like night

Released to fulfill

my heart’s delight--

To gather Paradise.

To Day,

Swing high firefly

Before the mist of black night

Morning dew can wait

Wonder lives today

Where Then, Now, and When

Together dwell

as glitter in my eyes--

A kaleidoscope dreamer

Wonder lives today

Meet me in the sunrise

Dance in possibility

Vision alive

Wonder lives today

On this current of God

I stand in wonder

I stand in awe

For wonder lives today.

A Quick Morning Poem

As I sit on my deck in the morning,

Purple buds against a cool blue-grey sky,

The promise of a fresh start begins.

Hair tickles my face and I close my eyes.

I’ve got a lot on my plate, God--

People to please and things to get done.

Your embrace tells me to relax

And breathe in my Eden.

I was made to live

I was made for joy

I was made to love

I was made for more

Help me as I go

and sing my own song

That I would stop and listen

To that Spirit of love and God