Life Story

Once upon a time I used to not trust myself. I would not put anything down on the page because I was insecure. I used to write to please others before I wrote to please myself. I guess that is what happened when I tired to get accepted into the MFA program at Texas State. I tried to write for the people who would read it, but I had no idea who they were. I was writing for people that I knew would hate my stuff. Everything that I put on the page, even now, I worry if my reader will approve of it. Will they approve of me? Ultimately, I was putting myself on the page, but often times when I looked at it I did not like myself. How tragic.

Life is tragic. Life is traumatic. When I look back on my thought life especially, I wonder how I am not in a straight jacket rocking myself in a pink and blue room. But also when I look back, I am happy. I love life and I have really enjoyed living it. I feel lucky and special to have such a blessed life. I know that this is God’s doing, I wonder if everyone feels special? Sometimes special is good and sometimes it is bad. It just depends on the perspective that you decide to look at it with. Decide. Decision. Life is a decision. Life will find a way. It will go on, with or with out us, but the decision happens when we decide how to look at life and not just take life as it comes. I have felt as if I don’t have a purpose, that nothing has a purpose. I have been depressed because I have not been pressing. I have been asleep. I have been among the dead.

Perhaps it is because I am bored that I am tired all of the time. I love to have fun and I am really enjoying what it is like to be me—finally! But maybe I don’t do this stuff enough. Why must I feel like I am wasting time if I am doing something I love? I feel guilty when I am not “getting stuff done.” I have said in the past that I love to run errands, but do I really? Everyday is a new day to discover yourself. Everyday is a new day to discover God. I wish that I could just stop waiting to arrive and just look up and see that I am living my life. I decide who, I decide where and how much. Thank you Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman for reminding me. Free Will is a beautiful thing. No, not Free Willie!-- Free will. Free Willie has become a killer of a killer whale and is sick of being locked up in bondage. Sound familiar? Free will is such a beautiful gift of God. Why do I, you, we choose to use it to decide to be in bondage. Life is free so we should live free. The End.