I have always considered myself a Christian, but my life has not always reflected that. I grew up knowing about God and loving Him in an abstract way, but I did not have a personal relationship with him. I was born again and saved in the Fall 2001. My life until then was driven completely by the lusts of the flesh. I took part in every kind of immoral behavior. I was so lost and did not even acknowledge God.
When the Twin Towers fell on 9-11, I felt something inside of me that longed to know God. I felt Jesus calling me to live my life for Him and I wanted to! I realized that there was a real evil in the world and that something must be done to save my soul. I went to church with my family and made public what had happened in my heart because of Jesus. I began to read and pray regularly. I received the Holy Spirit and watched God completely transform my life by changing my desires and priorities to be God-centered.
Shortly after this spiritual break-through I became involved in a controlling and unhealthy relationship for three years. I was screaming on the inside, but I was unable to get away from my abusive boyfriend. I tragically fell back into immoral behavior. Again, God had mercy on me and drew me back to him closer than ever and I vowed to live my life God’s way.
During that time, however, I became a model, which was my child-hood dream. I developed an eating disorder, was deeply depressed and inwardly tortured by self-centeredness. I had daily quiet times and immersed myself in the Bible and prayer, but I no longer found joy in life or loving my friends and family. It was the worst time of my life, but God was drawing impurities out of my life and I am so grateful for that.
I finally began to seek help through counseling and anti-depressants. This camouflaged my sickness and depravity until I met my husband, Ashton. I thought that my life was perfect now. I was wrong.
It wasn’t until after we were married that I came to terms with my eating disorder and festering emotional wounds. I worked so hard, memorized every Scripture and read every book to try and get healed. Essentially, I was trying to do God’s job. I would cry for days from the pain and frustration I felt from not feeling better.
I began seeing a Christian counselor with my husband in January 2009. With her help, my husband’s support and God’s healing hand, I began the road to recovery. Then, in September 2009, I went to a ladies retreat with my church. Unlike every other conference, sermon or book that I thought was the magic formula for my healing, I stopped trying to control my healing and completely let God be God. I began to trust my husband more and find my security and identity in Christ alone. The joy of my life and salvation has fully returned.
I have been free from my eating disorder for over a year and half. Everyday, I feel my previous chains of bondage fall off more and more as God saves me from myself daily to die to my selfish ways. I can’t stop telling everyone how great God has been to me by setting me free. I want to live a life emptied out to God’s purpose by writing, speaking and encouraging others, especially girls to hold fast to God’s Truth about their identity. I want to tell them that Jesus is the only way to avoid a life of pain of going down the same path that I did.
God is doing a new thing in my life and I perceive it! He has made a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland of my heart! (Isa. 43:18-19). He had made darkness turn into light before my eyes and will guide me! (Isa. 42: 16). In Him, I have a hope and a future and so do you! (Jer. 29:11).
