House of Cards

I have a confession. I am an expert at appearing and not being. Just like Machiavelli's The Prince, I have perfected the art of seeming and not being. I am a house of cards, that may look pretty, but comes crashing down at the first sign of trouble. I did not come to be this way by accident. In grade school I wanted to appear smart, yet cool, so I would purposely get things wrong on my tests and school work so that I wouldn't get made fun of for being smart and getting 100's. How sad. How very sad that insecurity had its grips on me so early. Fast forward to modeling. Oh, if ever there was a career that destroyed the inner woman at the expense of the way she looks it is modeling. I loved modeling, but I hated what I let it do to me. That's right. I was not a victim. I chose to become a professional model and listen to what the world said I should look like. This all reminds me of a poem I wrote and the importance of who we are rather than what we appear. Enjoy.

Be

We are like squirming children

darting our attention to whatever sparkles or moves

Be still my child and know that I am God

We fill our days with emptiness—

that all consuming void which violates our souls

Be still my child and know that I am God

We do busy

We do stress

We do not rest

The human-doing is not

being

feeling

breathing

Be still my child and know that I am God

The truth is out

But do we care?

The verdict is guilty—

We are lost, but if we would only stop

we would be there

we would find the way—

Be still my child and know that I am God

I close my eyes—

I breathe

I love

I feel

I am—

Are you?