My Roller-Coaster Ride of a Christian Testimony

I have always considered myself a Christian, but my life has not always reflected that. I grew up knowing about God and loving Him in an abstract way, but I did not have a personal relationship with him. I was born again and saved in the Fall 2001. My life until then was driven completely by the lusts of the flesh. I took part in every kind of immoral behavior. I was so lost and did not even acknowledge God.

When the Twin Towers fell on 9-11, I felt something inside of me that longed to know God. I felt Jesus calling me to live my life for Him and I wanted to! I realized that there was a real evil in the world and that something must be done to save my soul. I went to church with my family and made public what had happened in my heart because of Jesus. I began to read and pray regularly. I received the Holy Spirit and watched God completely transform my life by changing my desires and priorities to be God-centered.

Shortly after this spiritual break-through I became involved in a controlling and unhealthy relationship for three years. I was screaming on the inside, but I was unable to get away from my abusive boyfriend. I tragically fell back into immoral behavior. Again, God had mercy on me and drew me back to him closer than ever and I vowed to live my life God’s way.

During that time, however, I became a model, which was my child-hood dream. I developed an eating disorder, was deeply depressed and inwardly tortured by self-centeredness. I had daily quiet times and immersed myself in the Bible and prayer, but I no longer found joy in life or loving my friends and family. It was the worst time of my life, but God was drawing impurities out of my life and I am so grateful for that.

I finally began to seek help through counseling and anti-depressants. This camouflaged my sickness and depravity until I met my husband, Ashton. I thought that my life was perfect now. I was wrong.

It wasn’t until after we were married that I came to terms with my eating disorder and festering emotional wounds. I worked so hard, memorized every Scripture and read every book to try and get healed. Essentially, I was trying to do God’s job. I would cry for days from the pain and frustration I felt from not feeling better.

I began seeing a Christian counselor with my husband in January 2009. With her help, my husband’s support and God’s healing hand, I began the road to recovery. Then, in September 2009, I went to a ladies retreat with my church. Unlike every other conference, sermon or book that I thought was the magic formula for my healing, I stopped trying to control my healing and completely let God be God. I began to trust my husband more and find my security and identity in Christ alone. The joy of my life and salvation has fully returned.

I have been free from my eating disorder for over a year and half. Everyday, I feel my previous chains of bondage fall off more and more as God saves me from myself daily to die to my selfish ways. I can’t stop telling everyone how great God has been to me by setting me free. I want to live a life emptied out to God’s purpose by writing, speaking and encouraging others, especially girls to hold fast to God’s Truth about their identity. I want to tell them that Jesus is the only way to avoid a life of pain of going down the same path that I did.

God is doing a new thing in my life and I perceive it! He has made a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland of my heart! (Isa. 43:18-19). He had made darkness turn into light before my eyes and will guide me! (Isa. 42: 16). In Him, I have a hope and a future and so do you! (Jer. 29:11).

Search Me

Search me oh God

But I am scared to see

What pains lurk there

Deep within me.

I want to change.

I want to grow.

Heal me Father

This I know--

That I am your child

Chosen and dearly loved.

You fill my heart

With love from above.

Yet life is too much.

I cannot bear

To go on

With out you near.

Close the gap

Between my heart and brain

So that I can praise you--

Always the same.

Change me Father

From the inside out.

Make this soul of mine

Scream and shout.

For your glory--

For your love--

For your healing--

Sweet God above.

Learning to Shine-My Teaching Philosophy

According to Socrates, the only good in this world is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance, but being a teacher is about so much more than simply transferring knowledge. My primary objective as a teacher is to help students discover how to learn and evaluate knowledge toward becoming intelligent, self-controlled and creative members of society who never stop learning. Today, students are in the greatest need for proficiency in thinking, reading and writing. I believe that by focusing on these skills, students will gain control of their education.

Learning

Problem-based learning of the Socratic method is the basis of my pedagogical practice. Open-ended questions encourage independent thinking and reasoning that enables students to form their own conclusions. A constructivist method of student-based learning that builds upon prior knowledge where the teacher is the facilitator and encourager is the best way to achieve this. Furthermore, the education of high-risk students is vital. We must concentrate on what a student can do and build upon that, rather than focusing on what they lack.

Teaching

An effective teacher stays in touch with what matters to students and creates lesson plans that both meet educational criteria and apply to students’ lives. Therefore, preparation, creativity and flexibility are vital to engaging students and keeping their focus. Current events, popular culture and technology are all ways to relate material to student’s lives.

For example, popular songs both engage students and provide real-life examples of poetic devices. Above all, expressing my passion for and knowledge of English is the best way to get students excited about learning and to keep their attention.

Growing

I know from personal experience that journaling is an effective tool for growing. As a result, students will become better communicators and will learn how to express their thoughts and feelings in effective ways. Students can ask questions and work out problems in their journals to learn to be methodical, yet creative and critical thinkers. Finally, a journal becomes a record of students’ reading and writing progress that can be used to set personal learning goals.

To determine my effectiveness as a teacher, student input and feedback is crucial. In addition to keeping an open-door policy of communication with my students, a simple suggestion box can create an anonymous arena where students can voice concerns and difficulties about lessons. When it comes to learning, the boundaries between student and teacher are interchangeable. Essentially, we are all students of life. As a teacher, I should be the biggest learner among students, constantly researching and studying ways to improve as a teacher.

Shining

Reading and writing well has been synonymous with discovering and expressing who I am. Literature has inspired me to take risks and think beyond myself. Simply put, studying English has taught me how to shine. Likewise, every student too is a light, and it is my job to help them to shine for all to see.

House of Cards

I have a confession. I am an expert at appearing and not being. Just like Machiavelli's The Prince, I have perfected the art of seeming and not being. I am a house of cards, that may look pretty, but comes crashing down at the first sign of trouble. I did not come to be this way by accident. In grade school I wanted to appear smart, yet cool, so I would purposely get things wrong on my tests and school work so that I wouldn't get made fun of for being smart and getting 100's. How sad. How very sad that insecurity had its grips on me so early. Fast forward to modeling. Oh, if ever there was a career that destroyed the inner woman at the expense of the way she looks it is modeling. I loved modeling, but I hated what I let it do to me. That's right. I was not a victim. I chose to become a professional model and listen to what the world said I should look like. This all reminds me of a poem I wrote and the importance of who we are rather than what we appear. Enjoy.

Be

We are like squirming children

darting our attention to whatever sparkles or moves

Be still my child and know that I am God

We fill our days with emptiness—

that all consuming void which violates our souls

Be still my child and know that I am God

We do busy

We do stress

We do not rest

The human-doing is not

being

feeling

breathing

Be still my child and know that I am God

The truth is out

But do we care?

The verdict is guilty—

We are lost, but if we would only stop

we would be there

we would find the way—

Be still my child and know that I am God

I close my eyes—

I breathe

I love

I feel

I am—

Are you?

Life Story

Once upon a time I used to not trust myself. I would not put anything down on the page because I was insecure. I used to write to please others before I wrote to please myself. I guess that is what happened when I tired to get accepted into the MFA program at Texas State. I tried to write for the people who would read it, but I had no idea who they were. I was writing for people that I knew would hate my stuff. Everything that I put on the page, even now, I worry if my reader will approve of it. Will they approve of me? Ultimately, I was putting myself on the page, but often times when I looked at it I did not like myself. How tragic.

Life is tragic. Life is traumatic. When I look back on my thought life especially, I wonder how I am not in a straight jacket rocking myself in a pink and blue room. But also when I look back, I am happy. I love life and I have really enjoyed living it. I feel lucky and special to have such a blessed life. I know that this is God’s doing, I wonder if everyone feels special? Sometimes special is good and sometimes it is bad. It just depends on the perspective that you decide to look at it with. Decide. Decision. Life is a decision. Life will find a way. It will go on, with or with out us, but the decision happens when we decide how to look at life and not just take life as it comes. I have felt as if I don’t have a purpose, that nothing has a purpose. I have been depressed because I have not been pressing. I have been asleep. I have been among the dead.

Perhaps it is because I am bored that I am tired all of the time. I love to have fun and I am really enjoying what it is like to be me—finally! But maybe I don’t do this stuff enough. Why must I feel like I am wasting time if I am doing something I love? I feel guilty when I am not “getting stuff done.” I have said in the past that I love to run errands, but do I really? Everyday is a new day to discover yourself. Everyday is a new day to discover God. I wish that I could just stop waiting to arrive and just look up and see that I am living my life. I decide who, I decide where and how much. Thank you Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman for reminding me. Free Will is a beautiful thing. No, not Free Willie!-- Free will. Free Willie has become a killer of a killer whale and is sick of being locked up in bondage. Sound familiar? Free will is such a beautiful gift of God. Why do I, you, we choose to use it to decide to be in bondage. Life is free so we should live free. The End.

Put Down the Reigns

When we let God have control over our life—our bodies, our future, our relationships, our thoughts, our everything—only then can we really have any self-control because we are allowing God to control the self. God knows how true this is for me. I strive and try and basically wear myself out trying to control my stubborn, lustful and evil flesh. Every good thing that I do and every evil thing that I avoid is because of God and God alone. His lovingkindness is who he is. He can not help but love me with kindness and mercy and forgiveness. He knows that we are made of dust. Thank God that we have a God in heaven who is in control and knows these things.

But there is another who also knows that we are made of dust and slip easily because of our desires and pride. I hate him. He is after our souls.

I have never loved God so much as after I got married—how He answered my prayer for a precious husband. But I have never hated the devil so much as I do know as I have seen him try and destroy my marriage. I never knew lonely, insecure, ugly, fat and crazy like I did when I first got married because the devil hated my marriage and still does. I thought that I could fix feeling these ways and that I was in control.

Put down the reigns. “God is God and I am not. Hooray!”

To Gather Paradise

To gather Paradise

on this dark day

begins with Imagination

mixed with God play--

He created Day

And made it separate from the night,

But doesn’t that mean

That day is full of light?

What about those dreary days

When rain falls from the sky?

When birds don’t sing

And the sun just seems too high?

Just bow your head

And close your eyes

And whisper this little prayer:

God, let me see as your eyes do

So full of love and care--

Your Son is here

inside of me.

He died that day

So I could be free--

Of life that’s full of clouds

Of day that looks like night

Released to fulfill

my heart’s delight--

To gather Paradise.

"True Things" by JJ Heller

These song lyrics are amazing. We constantly, me above all, try to find our identity outside of who God says we are. Lord, help our unbelief. Let the truth of these words wash over your insecurity and self-doubt. We are wonderfully and fearfully made. God is so good!

I’m not the clothes I’m wearing
I’m not a photograph
I’m not the car I drive

I’m not the money I make
I’m not the things I lack
I’m not the songs that I write

I am … who I am
I am who I am

There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief
Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief

I’m not the house I live in
I’m not the man I love
I’m not the mistakes that I carry

I’m not the food that I don’t eat
I’m not what I’m above
I’m not my scars and my history

There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief
Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief

To your love I’m waking up
In your love I’m waking up

The Armor of God-The Best Conceit Ever!

The Armor of God has become such a cliche over time that it has lost its meaning. Sadly, much of the wonderful Truths of God such as: Jesus died for our sins to give us life everlasting and God love you, too have lost their meaning over time. But that is another story though for another time.

The point of which I am so excited about is how great the extended metaphor of The Armor of God is! There are tons of other conceits in the Bible, such as the parable of the soils in which the seed is the Word of God and the soil is our heart and so on. But for right now I am going to let the Armor of God have its moment. Did Paul come up with this one? Because there isn't a literary giant who isn't kicking himself in the head for not coming up with this one. Yes even Shakespeare and Milton don't cut it next to Paul. He is awesome! I love this one!

How in the world do we go through out our days with out the Armor of God on?! I know that I don't really give it much serious thought other than to think: What a nice idea. But is is so much more than that! Here's what happens on a normal day with out the armor of God:

Our most vulnerable part is our heart (after all, it is deceitful above all else) and so without our breastplate of righteousness, our heart becomes an easy target. I think that at first we really don't realize it because we can not see our heart, nor do we really understands the deepness of emotions and desires that dwell there. As a result of our heart change, we are walking a little different with out our shoes of readiness and the Gospel of Peace. We walk sloppily with out much care. This wouldn't have happened, of course, had we used our shield of faith as our defensive weapon and our sword of the spirit which is the Word of God as our offensive weapon. As our hearts begin to feel lonely and sad, they become hardened and we begin to believe lies about ourselves and others since we are not wearing the helmet of salvation to guard our mind. This eventually will ruin our relationships with God and others because we no longer think with the mind of Christ, but with a selfish and evil mind.

Do you feel encouraged yet? You should because we do have the armor of God available to us every day to put on! I am loving this new perspective on the Armor of God that God has given me and I hope that you are blessed too as you read this with new eyes.

Ephesians 6:10-18 The Armor of God

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

On My Mind

Yesterday I got really down on myself for not doing the things that I love more. What I really hate is that I have discounted the things that I truly love and enjoy as unimportant and a waste of time. What a tragedy. That is why I am revamping my blog and committing to just write more.

Here are some things that I have been thinking about a lot lately:

1. Beth Moore's book, So Long Insecurity. It is so crazy to see how many women struggle with insecurity. That is worse than a tragedy. It is a huge catastrophe that we women are living with everyday. It is the cancer of our society that is stealing our joy. It is the devil, plain as night. Lord, help us.

2. Studying for my TExES teacher certification test for High School Language Arts. This is actually a pleasant experience because I really believe that communication and literature are vital to enriching life for students.

3. What is will be like to be a parent and furthermore, what would it be like to adopt a kid. I really do want a big family, God permitting.

4. Painting a canvas for the bathroom. Right now I just put a wash of color (blue, yellow, green and white) on it which looks like water a la Monet. I really wanted to put an orchid on it, but now I am afraid to cover it up. TBC...

5. How much I really hate going to the gym and working out. The gym is so depressing to me. I love how I feel afterwards and I love having muscle definition, but I really hate the process of it. I like to go for walks/jogs, clean, dance and sit on the stationary bike with a good book and forget about everything else.

6. The scary dream I had last night after watching The Unborn with Ashton. Not only was it a waste of time, I had a nightmare that my mom's house was possessed. It was like we were under attack and there was nothing we could do.

7. How much I love Colossians 3:1-17.

Until next time...

hopefully tomorrow.