Supernatural Faith

Hope means holding on to you. Grace means you’re holding me too. –JJ Heller

Trust and faith are easy statements to make. It is the acting it out part that gets a little difficult. Who I am kidding? Sometimes it seems down right impossible. But we know that with God all things are possible and that with out faith it is impossible to please God. It is God who makes us have faith when we trust him. Trust is a frame of mind or a heart condition more than an assertion or even an action. Trust is a choice. Faith will take you where you want to be, but trust will make it possible. It is to believe God over your feelings when we get disappointed and our feelings don’t line up with the Word of God.

Take my job situation for example. As I wait to hear back from the school I interviewed at to be a teacher, many things go through my mind. How disappointed and discouraged I will be if I don’t get the job. Or if I do get the job, how will I do? Will it stress me out and be too much for me to handle? Will I enjoy it? Am I really ready? What will I do if I don’t get the job? I, I, I, I, I. What do I know? What I really need to be saying is God, God, God, God! All of these ponderings are answered in the Word of God.

First, He will never leave me.

Second, God works all things out for good.

And Third, God knows the plans He has for me.

Ahhh. See I feel better already! Now the tricky part is just trying to focus on God instead of me. God’s way is always the best way, but sometimes we just need to get out of the way!

Lord, help me to have supernatural faith that can move mountains, but yet help me to stand as firm as a mountain. Your way is perfect because You are perfect. I love you. Thank you for being You. Amen.

True Beauty

“While you are here, I want to check your measurements,” the head seamstress of one of my favorite designers in Dallas said before a big fashion show in 2007. As she took my measurements and looked at my model card, she was appalled.

“I don’t understand,” she barked. “Your card says this, but you really are this size! What happened?”

“I gained weight,” I replied plainly.

“Well, maybe you should just work out or do something about this,” she asserted.

I cringed. Maybe she didn’t know that I was currently in the grips of an eating disorder and constantly struggled with being thin enough. Maybe she did, but didn’t care. Maybe she was like most everyone in the fashion industry that silently congratulated any means necessary to remain super thin. All she cared about was having a model that was thin enough to wear the clothes. The sad part was is that at this time I was probably a small size 4.

“I do work out—a lot actually. I just gained a little weight. Such is life,” I told her, trying not to care.

The truth was that I did care. I knew that I had been too thin and obsessed with being as thin as possible. I love food and just could not starve myself any longer, so I had begun to gain some weight. For the past year, my weight had gone up and down as I struggled to remain as small as possible and trying to feed or ignore my starving spirit within me. Gaining weight as a model is shameful. I was no good if I wasn’t a size 0 or 2. I left that studio and went home— to work out.

A few days later it was my birthday and the day of the big fashion show at Victory Park. I love fashion shows—the excitement, the clothes, the people, the music, the lights and cameras. I was excited to see what they had for me to wear. As I tried on a skinny little pencil skirt, I realized that I couldn’t pull it up all the way because it was too small—or I was just too big. I instantly thought back to the measuring tape incident where I had been found out to be bigger than my agency said I was. I thought about the evil seamstress who told me I needed to work out more because I was too big. One of the assistants kindly switched my outfit with another girl and now I had a beautiful flowing wrap skirt. I loved it!

Later as we were getting dressed into our first look for the fashion show, the evil seamstress was in the dressing rooms, barking orders and acting like a drill sergeant, "helping" everyone get ready. To her glory and satisfaction, she was probably thrilled that I, this fat model had to have her wardrobe edited to accommodate her large hips. She made it a point to tie my new wrap skirt very tight—so tight that she pinched my skin.

“Ouch!” I flinched as she caught some skin in the knot.

“Oh, is it too tight?” Hitler’s wife smiled.

What a b$%@! I thought. She was bent on making me pay for gaining weight, wasn’t she? I was no longer the ideal model size. I was disposable and replaceable. She just had to prove her point that I was too big for all of the clothes and she just couldn’t take it that I hadn’t been thrown out of the show.

I don’t remember too many fashion shows or photo shoots after that point. I finally cancelled my contract the next year and stopped modeling all together. I was getting help for my depression and eating disorder. I had also just met Ashton and was engaged. When I think back on my modeling career, I am happy I did it. I had lots of fun, traveled, took some really great pictures, met some fun people in the fashion world and went to some great parties and exciting photo shoots.

But God had something else in mind for me. People always tell me that I look like a model or tell me that I should model. I smile and say thanks. Sometimes I even tell them that I used to. They ask me why I don’t any more. I try to say as little as possible, like: Modeling is a very selfish and sick career. It just wasn’t for me. Then I throw in the funny comment about how I love food too much. They laugh and that’s about it. As glad as I am that I did it and now that I don’t do it any more, it has made me realize what true beauty is. True beauty is the person that is looking back at you when you look into the mirror. But is even more than that.

“Rather, beauty is something internal that can't be destroyed. Beauty expresses itself in a gentle and quiet attitude which God considers precious” (1 Peter 3:4 God’s Word Translation).

The modeling industry may never understand true, internal beauty. Most models may be perfect and flawless on the outside, but they are deeply disturbed and tortured on the inside because they have— like I have and many others have—believed the lie that your worth is based on a number on a scale, a number on a measuring tape, or a number on a pair of jeans. I am so thankful that God has healed me from believing that lie and I love the size that I am now!

God, help us as women to see ourselves as you do. Help us to cultivate our inner beauty from a gentle and graceful spirit that only you can provide.

The Stuff Life is Made of

I love to reminiscence about life and look at pictures and the way things were. I love how just a scent or a picture in my mind can remind me of how I felt at a certain time in my life. I also love to daydream about what the future holds and make plans for fun vacations that I want to take or parties that I want to have. But life is really nothing more than memories and dreams if you don’t have Jesus to give you peace, hope and love.

And what about the bad memories? I wish that sometimes my past hurts and traumas would just disappear, but we can’t just sort through our memories and forget the bad ones or take them out with the trash. Sadly enough, it’s the bad memories that seemed engrained in our minds. It’s the bad memories that change us the most. But what we can do is take all of our memories—good and bad to the Cross and give them to Jesus and see what he would have us do with them. With Jesus, memories become your testimony that speak out power and encouragement.

And what about the dreams that don’t come true? The Bible says that hope deferred make the heart sick (Prov. 13:12). We all have a sick heart caused from things that we have hoped and prayed for that still did not come true. But with Jesus, dreams become your hope and future for a better place than this sick and fallen world.

So be encouraged. The stuff life is made of really is mainly memories and dreams. But the Bible tells us that "no eye has seen, no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived the things God has prepared for those who love him" (1 Cor. 2:9). Jesus came to give us an abundant and full life (John 10:10). When life is full of bad memories and shattered dreams and seems so hard and pointless, just remember that Jesus came to give us more and one day it will be ours!

Sweet Jesus

I am on a roll today with these blog posts--This is #3! I guess that being snow/iced in is a good thing for creative writing! Here is a new poem (could also be song lyrics!) I just put together today called "Sweet Jesus."

My spirit is free

To pray and rejoice

To flap its wings

For this is my choice

In the Spirit I live

Because you forgive

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

To You I give in

You hold me captive

My soul at ease

Because of Your love

It takes me in

And brings me above

My troubles I face

Enemies in every place

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

You calm me and keep me

Because of God’s grace

My heart at rest

In Jesus’ hands

The Truth remains

washing over the land

like waves on the shore

I am hungry for more

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

You give me what I

Have been looking for

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

You are what I

Have been dying for

Angel

This is a poem I wrote about my journey as a Christian and the bondage that I came under after I was saved. It is about how God set me free after he saved my soul.

My spirit heard the Truth.

And liked how it sounded.

It was like a vine growing to the sound of music in a garden.

But I did not build a wall around my garden of truth.

And the wolves came and chewed out the vine.

They were still hungry and so I fed them more.

Weeds of lies choked out the spirit of truth.

The fruit never ripened and my soul was in despair.

How could you let this happen? My soul screamed.

I can’t go on any longer, My spirit cried.

My heart grew deceitful and evil grew from within.

I hated my garden then.

I wanted to run away—

I wanted to fly away like a bird

But never return.

But I would keep flying and falling into the quicksand of death.

Though I would not return, it would return to me.

I wanted to do good, but I did not know how.

I only knew how to feed the wolves.

And so I did for many years,

Until I was spared.

My angel was a young girl with long blonde hair

It was stringy, yet soft and smelled of powder.

I thought that it would touch the ground.

She did not have wings, but she carried a mirror.

It was embellished with jewels and looked far too heavy for her to carry.

But she held it softly as if it were a butterfly.

She came up to me and held it to my heart.

I was afraid of what she would see, so I flinched and closed my eyes, afraid to look.

But I felt something encouraging me.

It is okay, He said to me and so I saw.

I no longer saw the garden of weeds and death.

But a butterfly on a flower.

I no longer heard the screams for help.

I saw the sun and felt the breeze.

Who was this girl with the mirror? I wondered.

She smiled and then I knew.

That girl was me.

I Don't Like the Way You are Treating my Daughter

“I don’t like the way you are treating my daughter.” This is what God told me at a two-day church retreat called Kairos, which means “an appointed time with God.” I knew that He was talking about me and how I was treating myself. I am too hard on myself. Way too hard. This often carries over onto other people, especially in my marriage. A few days prior to this I wrote this in my journal:

God just showed me that I still hate myself. I don’t, but I know that He is right. I am constantly irritated or depressed or overwhelmed or angry or hurt. How have I gone on for so long? I need to get set free to BE myself. But who am I?

I am a creative, contemplative free-spirited girl. I absolutely love having fun and laughing. Something inside of me likes the person that I am. Its not true that I am always irritated or depressed, but I feel like something isn’t right inside of me and it has been like that for a long time. As I look back over my past journal entries, I see a common theme: pain, melancholy, doubt and fear. I can’t pin point when all this started. Then the lines I wrote occurred to me:

My heart feels like

Scattered pieces

My mind feels like

A thunderstorm.

This world is fallen

Broken bodies

Fix me, Jesus

Take me home.

We live in a fallen world of pain and death. Life is hard, but we have eternity buried deep with in us which makes us yearn for more. Surrender what you have, everything you can see for what you can’t see. Give it all away, all of the hurt and pain inside of you.

“So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (2. Cor. 4:18, NLT)

Don’t you just love God’s Word! It is my Rock and my Sanity in this fallen world. I just can not get enough of it! Not only everything that I see now, but those feelings of hurt, pain, fear, doubt, anxiety, depression and insecurity will soon be gone! Hallelujah!

Lord, let my eyes be fixed upon you so that I can endure until this fallen world has passed away and everything in it. FIX ME JESUS, TAKE ME HOME!

Pursuit of Happiness

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time. ~Edith Wharton

Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Misery is almost always the result of thinking. ~Joseph Joubert

Eden is that old-fashioned house we dwell in every day
Without suspecting our abode until we drive away.
~Emily Dickinson

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase: if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. ~C.P. Snow

I just want to be happy. Who doesn't? I just heard a quote about those who seek happiness are the most miserable people. And there seems to be a lot of truth in the phrase: "blissful ignorance." Happiness is not a place as we tend to think. It is like the American Dream. Everyone wants it and most people think that they are on the way to obtain it, but like happiness, the American Dream is an illusion. Really the only thing that exists is The Kingdom of God.

I recently learned that the answer to our problems is not found in the solution. Rather, the answer to our problems is found in seeking the Kingdom of God. Matthew 6:33 says: " But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Philippians 1:11 says: " May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation-- the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ for this will bring much glory and praise to God.

We must understand that the "Pursuit of Happiness" is a superficial and endless journey. (And when I say "we," I mean "I"!) Women especially have this trouble because we think so much and we feel so much. I have been told that men actually have the capability to think of absolutely nothing. Then does that mean that they have achieved blissful ignorance? Possibly! All I'm saying is that I want to be happy and I want you to be happy, but more than that, we have to seek to bring God glory and praise and to love each other.

There is so much more to life than being happy. When we realize that, then we will be free to be truly happy. Only then, it will be more joy than happiness!

And Why Do You Worry About Clothes?

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matt. 6:25-34 NIV)

There I was again—having a breakdown in the closet. Ladies, you know what I mean. Nothing fits, you feel fat, you don’t have anything to wear, this needs to be ironed— and I’m running late.

Over the past few years, this has been the story of my life. I don’t know how many countless times my husband found me in tears in my closet as I declared that I am not going anywhere anymore because I am too fat and don’t have any clothes. Before it was my husband, it was my sister who found me like this. This has been an on-going thing. I have gained a healthy amount of weight since battling eating disorder and the last time I was this size was almost a decade ago. I found myself honestly having little clothes that fit (especially for a creative person who loves fashion like myself) or if they did fit, they were picked out by a much younger version of myself. A nearly 30-year-old does not need to wear what a 20-year-old would wear.

When I was discussing this problem (OK freaking out because I wanted $5,000 like they get on What Not To Wear to buy a new wardrobe) with my wise and precious husband, he told me to pray about it and quoted me Philipians 4:6: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. I am not unfamiliar with this concept. After all, I am the girl who wrote out my list of requirements for a husband, gave it to God and prayed over it. Then I met and married Ashton who was above and beyond all I could have wanted him to be (Eph. 3:20). So, I did the same with my wardrobe dilemma. I wrote out my prayer request entitled, “A Substantial Wardrobe” and included the quantity of articles of clothing I thought would make that true. Well, I didn’t get exactly what was on that list, but what I did get was so much more!

My sister house-sits for a precious Christian family whom God has blessed financially because of their faithfulness. They gave Haley a big box of designer clothes that they were getting rid of, most of which were my size! Today I tried them on and kept most of them! Not only were they a perfect fit, they were my style exactly! Now, don’t get me wrong, I love designer clothing, but I could never really afford it—not with my budget and how much I love to shop. So, I have been happy with Target, Ross, TJ Maxx and Express like most people. After I brought home all of those beautiful garments, I felt kind of silly because deep down inside I guess I thought that God did not care about me having plenty of cute and stylish clothes that flattered me and made me feel beautiful because He wanted me to be content with what I had. We should be content, but that doesn’t mean that we will not be blessed!

So, here I stand corrected. God ROCKS and he has good taste in clothing! (I’m talking Marc Jacobs, Nanette Lepore, Juicy Couture, Rock Revival and Tory Burch.) But why wouldn’t He? After all, he is God. He is the one who clothes the lilies of the field and dressed King Solomon in all of his splendor! (Mat. 6:28-29). (Believe me, kings do not wear rags.)

As I think about what God has done for me, I am overcome by His generosity and faithfulness. He is a God who meets needs—EVERY. SINGLE. NEED. (Even the kinda materialistic ones just because he can. J) Thank you Jesus!

Who am I Lord, that you look upon me? (Psalm 8:4). Who am I that should receive such gifts? I am the daughter of the Most High (Luke 6:35). I am the daughter of my Heavenly Father who knows me and gives me the desires of my heart because He knows how to give good gifts (Psalm 37:4, Mat. 7:11).

You can pray for ANYTHING, and if you have faith, you will receive it (Mat. 21:22 NLT).

There Would Never be a Today...

Tomorrow is that far off gaze that overtakes us when we are tired and have a moment to rest. It’s when our thoughts drift to a moment of peace when we know that everything is OK. Tomorrow is in our spirit, our blood and our soul. We pray for tomorrow, hope for tomorrow and live for tomorrow. We will do that tomorrow. We will be better tomorrow. If we could just make it until tomorrow…

Tomorrow is the material of hope that makes us all the same. For the widow, it means to grow in healing and to fill in the gaping void in her life. For the old man with cancer, it means to be able to die and live again in heaven, pain free. For the teenage girl, it means to accept her body as beautiful and stop wishing that she was thinner, curvier or taller. For the young boy it means to have friends that would stop teasing him about his lazy eye. For the newlywed wife, it means to trust that her husband really does love her even though he stays consumed with work. For the lonely man, it means that he would heal his broken heart and find someone to share life and love. For the sick grandmother, it means being able to live long enough to see her only grandson get marry his bride. For the homeless young man, it means to get a bus ticket to see his great aunt, his only family. For the alcoholic, it means to make it another day with out ending up at the bar at night. For the single woman, it means to find peace and happiness with out taking too many pills.

For me, tomorrow means that I will have died just a little bit more to myself so that I can grow in love towards my family and friends. Tomorrow is the promise that I will hurt less because I would have finally gotten the lesson that I needed to learn today. Tomorrow is the hope that I would have made a difference today. Tomorrow is the day that my dreams will come true. But why do I have to wait until tomorrow? Why can’t I have tomorrow today? Tomorrow increases my faith and joy and life because with out tomorrow, there would never be a today.

And for the person reading this essay, tomorrow means— what ever you need it, dream it or want it to mean.

Let it Fall to the Ground

But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ. (Phil. 3:7-8 NASB)

We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. (2 Cor. 10:5 NLT)

Once I wrote in desperation that I need to be so dependant on God that everything else around me call fall to the ground. That is kind of extreme, but I have learned that unless I have that attitude I will try and hold on to things that I should let go and try to focus on things that are not worthy of my time and energy. My striving, my pride, my selfish desires, my flesh, my bad attitude, my feelings, my cares, my worries-- Everything needs to fall to the ground. Let it hit the floor. I don’t care. Scripture says that these things are rubbish, garbage, worthless. Webster's Bible Translation even calls them “dung”! That means that they stink! We need to flush these things down the toilet where they belong.

Why don’t we do this? Why is it so hard to shake these things? Because we don’t want to. The truth be told, I don’t always want to shake my bad habits and sit down quietly with God because I don’t feel like it. I want to zone out and not think. It’s hard and I’m tired. Plus, how am I supposed to stop feeling a certain way? I am sick of fighting.

It is a lie to believe that we should not fight. These things are worth us fighting to get rid of because on the other side is “more and better life than [we] ever dreamed of” (John 10:10 TMB). These things are keeping me from the joy and healing that Jesus came to give (Psalms 147:3).

Lord, heal your people from a spirit of slumber. We don’t want to be casual Christians. We don’t want to live a luke-warm life. I am sick of living a dulled life because of fear and weariness. Come into our lives and have your way, Jesus. Give us rest because you promised and you love us. Thank you for that Truth. Amen.