Waiting for my Muse: January 2013

Last night I read Psalm 139 in a new way. I deeply thought about the truth of how God feels about me, and God's love and acceptance washed over me like never before. For the first time, I think, I truly felt His love. Today, I personalized the psalm in first person. My thoughts and confessions are below in between the verses of the psalm, which is in italics. I hope and pray that it blesses you as much as God has blessed me in doing it. Oh how he loves us! Oh how he loves ME!

1 O Lord, you have examined my heart  and know everything about me.

I am known because I am important and you care about me. You haven’t forgotten me or ignored me. In fact, you know me better than anyone!

2 You know when I sit down or stand up.  You know my thoughts even when I’m far away..

You care about every little and seemingly insignificant part of my day. You understand my emotions—even when I don’t. You know my deepest desires, regardless of my actions. No matter where I am in life, if I am close to you in obedience or far away in stubborn, selfish disobedience, I am still your daughter and you care about what I am thinking about, good or bad. Even when I am far from you due to my own choices, you know and care about what I am worrying about.

(3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. NASB)

You get me! You not only get me, but you pay especially close attention to where I am going in life—even if it seems to me I am going nowhere. You know all my struggles, quirks, challenges, hang-ups, and disappointments, but you also know my dreams, hopes, loves and desires.

4 You know what I am going to say  even before I say it, Lord.

You know me so well you complete my sentences! You help me use self-control to only use my words to build up instead of tearing down.

5 You go before me and follow me.  You place your hand of blessing on my head.

You lead me and guide me. But even when I get out in front of you and try to do things my way, you follow me to guide me back on track so that you can bless me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,  too great for me to understand!

Your ways are far above my ways. There is no way I can figure out what you know and how you know it and how you work in my life—so I shouldn’t even try. I just need to trust you and stand in awe of your ways.

7 I can never escape from your Spirit!  I can never get away from your presence!

8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;  if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.

9 If I ride the wings of the morning,  if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

10 even there your hand will guide me,  and your strength will support me.

You are everywhere I go because you are a part of me and I am a part of you. Even if I am feeling weak and like a failure, and I make my life in a dark pit I created, you follow me there to give me strength and bring me home.

(11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me. And the light around me will be night, NASB)

12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day.  Darkness and light are the same to you.

I get so overwhelmed with my problems and circumstances, I feel like they will surely consume me. I feel like the light you have called me to be no longer shines and a shadow is cast by my life instead, leaving me to a joyless existence. But no matter helpless I feel you are not overwhelmed by my problems and uncertainties. You will find me in the depths of darkness and depression and help me shine my light again.

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body  and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

You made every part of me special—my personality, my heart, my emotions. You created me to be good. There isn’t one single thing wrong with me.

14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

I am the way I am because you made me that way! I’m thankful that I am so complex and passionate. Who wants a robot!? Everything that you make is good, especially me.

15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,  as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

16 You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out  before a single day had passed.

When I was all alone being made in the darkness of my mother’s womb, you were there delighting in how wonderfully I was coming together. You’ve designed every part of me and my life to be good for me. Nothing that I’ve done in life has surprised you or disappointed you because you knew it would happen. You’ve been in control all along! And you always will.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.  They cannot be numbered!

18 I can’t even count them;  they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up,  you are still with me!

You think about me constantly. You can’t get me out of your mind. Everything that you do, you do for me because you are thinking about me. Nothing else even compares to how much you think of me.

19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!  Get out of my life, you murderers!

20 They blaspheme you;  your enemies misuse your name.

21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?  Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?

22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,  for your enemies are my enemies.

There’s an enemy out there after my soul because he hates how much you love me and bless me. He wants to kill every good thing that you’ve created in me. He lies to me about myself, my life and you. I hate the devil and his lies and everything he stands for. I will wage war against the lies, God, but I need your help. Please rescue your daughter from his evil plans.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;  test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 Point out anything in me that offends you,  and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Look deep into my being and calm my anxieties, fears, insecurities and doubts—the things that hurt too bad to even mention, things so deep that I don’t understand. Show me where I do not trust you. Show me what lies I believe about myself and about you. Show me the parts of my flesh that you never intended on being there, so I can repent and be as pure as the day you created me. Gently hold my hand and guide me back to the blessed life you created me to live. Restore me back to your love.

(Psalm 139 NLT, unless otherwise noted)

I had just got done working a very long week of teacher in service. I didn’t do much but sit, but it was a big change from taking it easy at the house all summer, sleeping in, taking naps and cooling off in the pool. It was the end of my 35^th week of pregnancy. I was in so much pain—my lower back, hips, and abdomen. I’d resorted to using a heating pad in August in Texas if that tell you how desperate I was. Friday finally came and I was so glad to have the weekend ahead of me to rest and get stuff ready for the baby. I still needed to pack the hospital bag and go to the store to get the remaining things I needed. I even had a massage scheduled on Saturday! This was going to be a productive and restful weekend!

But God had other plans…

Friday night at midnight I woke up to my water breaking, but I was one of those women who for some reason didn’t realize it. I was currently getting up at least 3 times during the night to pee so I thought that I might have peed on myself because Noelle was right on my bladder. I went to the bathroom, but it kept on coming out at so I just tucked a wash cloth in my panties and tried to go back to sleep. I didn’t think I could be truly going into labor because I was barely 36 weeks, my bag wasn’t packed, and I didn’t have any contractions. I did have cramps, but I’d been having all sorts of pain down there so I just took some Tylenol, not thinking anything about it. Furthermore, I didn’t want to go to the hospital! This could not be it!! All I wanted to do was sleep.

But first I did what any normal person would do. I had to google it. All I got was a confusing bunch of responses on how to tell if it was truly your water breaking. Typical. After googling something, I am only more lost. Finally, I woke up Ashton.

“I think that my water broke, but I don’t have any contractions,” I said.

“No, I don’t think that’s what it is. It’s this other thing that the Prepared Childbirth class told us about that you’d think is your water breaking,” Ashton said.

“I don’t remember, but I guess that you’re right,” I said, thinking that I haven’t been able to remember anything in quite some time. Surely he has more of a brain than me at this point.

We prayed together and went back to sleep. It was pretty frustrating trying to sleep with all of this fluid gushing out of me, so I kept on having to change out the washcloths. (Stupid? Yes. But don’t judge. At least I wasn’t one of those girls you hear about who give birth and didn’t even know they were pregnant! Sorry if one of those girls is reading this. But seriously, you didn’t even know you were pregnant?!)

In the morning Ashton got up to run and I stayed in bed to sleep in. Ashton came back in to tell me that he’d talked with his friend, Brandon on his run who’d confirmed that his wife had the same thing happen, but it wasn’t her water. They had diagnosed me. I was definitely not in labor. Hmmm, I thought. That’s weird.

Ashton left again to take Nola for a walk and I got up out of bed to call the doctor’s office just for a piece of mind so that they could tell me about this mysterious other thing that happens that is exactly like your water breaking but isn’t. I told them what had happened and they said to go to Triage at the Hospital immediately. I was going to have a baby today. My stomach tightened and my chest got heavy. Oh. My. Gosh.

I’ll never forget the emotions that swept over me. I was half doubting, half scared and half excited. Would this really be the day that I gave birth? Will they just send me back home? It was not like I’d planned at all. I didn’t even feel any contractions! I called Ashton to come back home and said we had to go to the hospital. I called my mom and told her that we were going to the hospital and she said she’d meet us there.

I started crying as the emotions overwhelmed me. I couldn’t think. I tried to start packing my bag and went into the bathroom to straighten my bangs. I was actually about to put on some makeup. Ashton came in. “What are you doing?” he said. “I will straighten my bangs,” I said, daring him to try and stop me. “And my bag’s not ready.” “We’ll come back for it,” he said. “Ok, let’s go,” I said. “Just let me straighten my bangs first.”

We got in the car. Why was he driving so slow? I started to get angry and worried that we’d waited so long. I was hoping and praying that Noelle was still ok. Did she have enough fluid still in there to keep her alive? I could still feel her move, so that gave me some peace. My sisters were texting how excited they were. I texted back, not to get too excited yet. This wasn’t it. It couldn’t be. I just knew they’d send me back home.

We finally made it to the hospital and I calmly walked into Triage and told them that I think my water broke. I filled out some paper work and changed into my gown.

After my exam they confirmed that my water had broken. I will not cry, I thought to myself. I will not cry. I will cry. And I did. Oh wow. I’m about to have my baby.

I guess I was going to have to call and cancel my massage today after all.

When I got to my room, we started talking about pain medicine. I was only dilated a little bit, not even a centimeter yet. They were worried about infection since my water had broken so long ago. It had been 9 or 10 hours at this point, and I wasn’t dilating so they were going to give me pitocin to speed things up. They asked if I was getting an epidural. I said yes, but not right now. They told me that the pitocin would really get my contractions going and if I was going to get one, I’d better go ahead. Oh no, I thought. This was one of the other things I’d googled a lot. I was afraid that getting an epidural too soon would stall the labor. I thought I wouldn’t be able to push. Frankly at this point I was more concerned that I couldn’t eat anything all day. Oh well. Let’s do this.

I ended up getting the epidural right away since they assured me it wouldn’t slow down labor because of the pitocin— and I didn’t want to feel those contractions! Right then all I felt was moderate cramps. And that’s basically the most I felt as far as pain is concerned. So if you are going to get an epidural, but have any reservations about getting it too early, don’t. It’s pure heaven. And if I wasn’t already married, I probably would have tried to marry the anesthesiologist.

Finally at 4:00, I was ready to push. Luckily, I could feel the contractions, but not the pain, so I knew when to push. I was so thirsty, but barely had time between pushing to munch down a piece of ice that Ashton gave me. I kept thinking, how is this supposed to even happen?

After 30 minutes of pushing, Noelle was born. I will never forget how wonderful that felt—what a relief and release! I instantly started to cry. My baby was here! They laid her on me and I didn’t even care that she was all messy. I kissed her so many times and kept exclaiming, “You’re perfect, you’re so perfect!” My baby angel girl had arrived! Noelle Celeste Prejean, 6 lbs. 7 oz. 18 ½ in, was born at 4:29 P.M. on August 18, 2012. Our lives will never be the same!

Things started to die down and I was finally able to eat. They had taken Noelle to the nursery and I was the only one in the room as I ate—just me and my thoughts. It was so peaceful and I was so happy. Did this all really just happen? It was all so surreal.

I finally got moved to my recovery room, but they still had Noelle in the nursery. She had some fluid in her lungs and were keeping her in there for a while for X-rays and exams. Finally after 9 P.M. they brought her to my room. After I got to see my baby again, it felt like all was right in the world. They kept her in the nursery over night for observation because she was making a grunting noise and because she was a late preterm baby.

I was so exhausted, I barely remember the rest of the night. I had to ask Ashton if they even brought her to me to breastfeed. Which they did, I was just so tired I couldn’t remember. At that point, deciding to sleep for 8 more hours instead of going into the hospital at midnight when my water broke seemed like a pretty good decision.

The next morning, they brought her to me, and I got to keep her in my room. We were finally able to bond! We cuddled and practiced breastfeeding. I was able to care for her all on my own! She slept the night in my room and I enjoyed every bit of waking up to feed her. It was just her and me…and Ashton asleep on the couch :). I loved watching her sleep on me—a perfect angel.

The next day, the nursery nurse came in. I couldn’t wait to tell her how good she was doing. She had other news to give.

They were taking my baby to NICU. Her blood sugar was low and she was still grunting. They were worried about an infection. I could feel the hot tears begin to form in my eyes as my nose burned. My heart had been broken. “Do you have to take her now?” I asked. She said yes. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I had been so glad that even with Noelle being born 4 weeks early, she was healthy enough to go to the regular nursery instead of NICU at first.

Having to give my baby up like that after we had spent time loving on each other was terrible. I know that this was what was best for her, but it tore me up. I held it together for a little while, but after the nurse wheeled my precious Noelle out the door, I lost it and just wept. I felt so empty—so helpless.

I went to NICU every 3 hours to visit Noelle and spent at least 2 hours in there, feeding, pumping, changing, holding. . .wishing, praying. I’d go back to my room for a short time to rest and then go back. I was exhausted. I was tortured. I lay in bed and looked at the pictures I had of her from that day when we bonded. I cried all night that night.

The 24 hours that Noelle was in NICU was the longest and some of the most horrible moments of my life. I know that other parents have babies in there for weeks and have to go home with out them. I don’t know how they do it. I hated seeing my baby hooked up with all of those wires. I hated having to leave my room to go down there to see her and feed her. The worst part was feeling like my baby wasn’t my baby at all. I couldn’t wait to go home with her.

After 4 days in the hospital, we could both go home! Noelle ended up not having an infection, but I’m glad that we took the precautions. The day she was born was probably the best day of my life, but the day we went home would be a close second. This is where our story would truly begin. We would start this amazing journey together as mother and daughter! The gift I’d always wanted. God has truly given me the desire of my heart.

Noelle, you amaze me. You are such a sweet angel. Everyone says how beautiful you are and what a doll you are. They’re right. But you are so much more. You’ve stolen my heart and I’ll never be the same. You’ve come so far and learned so much in such a brief period of time. You’ve taught me so much too—like how to be patient when you need me in the middle of the night--again. Even though it’s hard to lose so much sleep, I treasure holding you and comforting you back to sleep. I will never stop loving you or praying for you. I can’t wait until I can braid your hair and paint your nails. I’m going to love playing dress up with you, going shopping with you and teaching you all about style. It’s going to be great when you and I can talk and talk for hours about anything. I am honored to be your mommy, Noelle. I love you more than words can say…more than you’ll ever know.