And Why Do You Worry About Clothes?

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matt. 6:25-34 NIV)

There I was again—having a breakdown in the closet. Ladies, you know what I mean. Nothing fits, you feel fat, you don’t have anything to wear, this needs to be ironed— and I’m running late.

Over the past few years, this has been the story of my life. I don’t know how many countless times my husband found me in tears in my closet as I declared that I am not going anywhere anymore because I am too fat and don’t have any clothes. Before it was my husband, it was my sister who found me like this. This has been an on-going thing. I have gained a healthy amount of weight since battling eating disorder and the last time I was this size was almost a decade ago. I found myself honestly having little clothes that fit (especially for a creative person who loves fashion like myself) or if they did fit, they were picked out by a much younger version of myself. A nearly 30-year-old does not need to wear what a 20-year-old would wear.

When I was discussing this problem (OK freaking out because I wanted $5,000 like they get on What Not To Wear to buy a new wardrobe) with my wise and precious husband, he told me to pray about it and quoted me Philipians 4:6: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. I am not unfamiliar with this concept. After all, I am the girl who wrote out my list of requirements for a husband, gave it to God and prayed over it. Then I met and married Ashton who was above and beyond all I could have wanted him to be (Eph. 3:20). So, I did the same with my wardrobe dilemma. I wrote out my prayer request entitled, “A Substantial Wardrobe” and included the quantity of articles of clothing I thought would make that true. Well, I didn’t get exactly what was on that list, but what I did get was so much more!

My sister house-sits for a precious Christian family whom God has blessed financially because of their faithfulness. They gave Haley a big box of designer clothes that they were getting rid of, most of which were my size! Today I tried them on and kept most of them! Not only were they a perfect fit, they were my style exactly! Now, don’t get me wrong, I love designer clothing, but I could never really afford it—not with my budget and how much I love to shop. So, I have been happy with Target, Ross, TJ Maxx and Express like most people. After I brought home all of those beautiful garments, I felt kind of silly because deep down inside I guess I thought that God did not care about me having plenty of cute and stylish clothes that flattered me and made me feel beautiful because He wanted me to be content with what I had. We should be content, but that doesn’t mean that we will not be blessed!

So, here I stand corrected. God ROCKS and he has good taste in clothing! (I’m talking Marc Jacobs, Nanette Lepore, Juicy Couture, Rock Revival and Tory Burch.) But why wouldn’t He? After all, he is God. He is the one who clothes the lilies of the field and dressed King Solomon in all of his splendor! (Mat. 6:28-29). (Believe me, kings do not wear rags.)

As I think about what God has done for me, I am overcome by His generosity and faithfulness. He is a God who meets needs—EVERY. SINGLE. NEED. (Even the kinda materialistic ones just because he can. J) Thank you Jesus!

Who am I Lord, that you look upon me? (Psalm 8:4). Who am I that should receive such gifts? I am the daughter of the Most High (Luke 6:35). I am the daughter of my Heavenly Father who knows me and gives me the desires of my heart because He knows how to give good gifts (Psalm 37:4, Mat. 7:11).

You can pray for ANYTHING, and if you have faith, you will receive it (Mat. 21:22 NLT).

There Would Never be a Today...

Tomorrow is that far off gaze that overtakes us when we are tired and have a moment to rest. It’s when our thoughts drift to a moment of peace when we know that everything is OK. Tomorrow is in our spirit, our blood and our soul. We pray for tomorrow, hope for tomorrow and live for tomorrow. We will do that tomorrow. We will be better tomorrow. If we could just make it until tomorrow…

Tomorrow is the material of hope that makes us all the same. For the widow, it means to grow in healing and to fill in the gaping void in her life. For the old man with cancer, it means to be able to die and live again in heaven, pain free. For the teenage girl, it means to accept her body as beautiful and stop wishing that she was thinner, curvier or taller. For the young boy it means to have friends that would stop teasing him about his lazy eye. For the newlywed wife, it means to trust that her husband really does love her even though he stays consumed with work. For the lonely man, it means that he would heal his broken heart and find someone to share life and love. For the sick grandmother, it means being able to live long enough to see her only grandson get marry his bride. For the homeless young man, it means to get a bus ticket to see his great aunt, his only family. For the alcoholic, it means to make it another day with out ending up at the bar at night. For the single woman, it means to find peace and happiness with out taking too many pills.

For me, tomorrow means that I will have died just a little bit more to myself so that I can grow in love towards my family and friends. Tomorrow is the promise that I will hurt less because I would have finally gotten the lesson that I needed to learn today. Tomorrow is the hope that I would have made a difference today. Tomorrow is the day that my dreams will come true. But why do I have to wait until tomorrow? Why can’t I have tomorrow today? Tomorrow increases my faith and joy and life because with out tomorrow, there would never be a today.

And for the person reading this essay, tomorrow means— what ever you need it, dream it or want it to mean.

Let it Fall to the Ground

But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ. (Phil. 3:7-8 NASB)

We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. (2 Cor. 10:5 NLT)

Once I wrote in desperation that I need to be so dependant on God that everything else around me call fall to the ground. That is kind of extreme, but I have learned that unless I have that attitude I will try and hold on to things that I should let go and try to focus on things that are not worthy of my time and energy. My striving, my pride, my selfish desires, my flesh, my bad attitude, my feelings, my cares, my worries-- Everything needs to fall to the ground. Let it hit the floor. I don’t care. Scripture says that these things are rubbish, garbage, worthless. Webster's Bible Translation even calls them “dung”! That means that they stink! We need to flush these things down the toilet where they belong.

Why don’t we do this? Why is it so hard to shake these things? Because we don’t want to. The truth be told, I don’t always want to shake my bad habits and sit down quietly with God because I don’t feel like it. I want to zone out and not think. It’s hard and I’m tired. Plus, how am I supposed to stop feeling a certain way? I am sick of fighting.

It is a lie to believe that we should not fight. These things are worth us fighting to get rid of because on the other side is “more and better life than [we] ever dreamed of” (John 10:10 TMB). These things are keeping me from the joy and healing that Jesus came to give (Psalms 147:3).

Lord, heal your people from a spirit of slumber. We don’t want to be casual Christians. We don’t want to live a luke-warm life. I am sick of living a dulled life because of fear and weariness. Come into our lives and have your way, Jesus. Give us rest because you promised and you love us. Thank you for that Truth. Amen.

A Conversation with God

Gateway Church is doing a series on Hearing God. Today's message was about what it means to be God's friend. I was reminded of this vignette I wrote several years ago. Enjoy this new-to-you bit of creative writing from my heart to yours.

God held out his hand to me and on it I saw my name written. We were alone, nothing else mattered. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I don’t even know what I was going to say. But just then, God put his fingers to my lips and said, “Shhh, my child, save your words. I know your heart.” I wanted to cry, but then I realized that I had forgotten how. Instead I laughed like I didn’t know I could. And like music to my soul, God laughed too.

His Love Covers Me

These song lyrics came just in time. I was denied health insurance coverage due to my history of eating disorder. I had just come from the gym and this was the last song on my iPod that I heard. When I got the news that I had been denied, I broke down and cried. I cried because I want to have babies and I thought that I could never be covered because of a stupid lie that I needed to be super skinny. Then God whispered to me: My love covers you and I was reminded of this song, still fresh in my mind. Thank you, Jesus for that truth!!!

"All I Need" by J.J. Heller

I don't need a thing

My good shepherd brings me all

You are all I need

You let me catch my breath

Even in the valley of death

You are all I need



All I need to be complete is your love

Your blood that covers me



You lift up my head

You provide the wine and bread

You are all I need

There's no need to fear

Even with my enemies here

You are all I need



All I need to be complete is your love

Your blood that covers me



Goodness and mercy are following me

You are all that I need

You make a home for me

With pastures of green as far as I see

You are all I need



All I need to be complete is your love

Your blood that covers me

A Woman's Heart Reveals God

A woman's heart is very special to God.

He cares about our hurt feelings and emotions

that often don't make sense.

This is because He loves us,

but also because he places His heart in a woman

to reveal something special about

His nature.

Here are 2 points that are on my heart that I have been learning to embrace about God's heart and my own:

1. God is a jealous God. God is also a compassionate God. He constantly commands, points and draws us to himself because he is the best thing for us. If he didn't then he would not love us because he would not be showing us Himself. He would just be letting us try to figure it out on our own. That is true love. That is why he is jealous. That is why he points us to himself over and over in the Bible. ("You shall have no other gods besides me" ring a bell?)

Sadly, however, while I was googling, I came across the sad misconception below:

If he [God] was a person would you love him or would you think he was manipulative psychotic control freak? Now consider that he has set up a system of constant surveillance to watch you all the time. He says he loves you, and if you don't love him and worship him he will burn you, for all eternity. Would you let your daughter see such a man?

(from http://mwillett.org/atheism/jealous-god.htm)

Lord, help us. This website encourages atheism and tries to claim that God doesn't love us and is actually a big meanie. The reason? A sorry excuse to live life as they want to. If there is no God, then there are no rules to live by. They say, Let's instead live by the rules of ourselves and trust in little gods who sit on our shelves. Sad, empty and plain untrue. Lord, help the people who are missing you. Soften their hearts and just love on them so that they will know your perfect love!

The Truth is that God LOVES US!!! Before I put God first (and believe me it is a constant battle to keep him there; our hearts are prone to wonder), my life made no sense. I had no hope. The Love of God is so essential to life that with out it you are not really living. There is nothing like knowing that you were made for a purpose--a great purpose! And that we are sons and daughters of the King. Royalty! Who would not want to be royalty!? I know that I am a princess! Thank you God!

2. God has put his heart in Woman's heart.

I am re-reading Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge. (A beautiful book and a must-read! The first time I read it, I wept because it was like someone was reading my heart to me and the second time has proved no different and I am only in Chapter 2!) John suggests, "When you are with a woman, ask yourself, what is she telling me about God? It will open up wonders for you" (26). Here are some amazing excerpts that explain why women are the way they are:

God longs to be desired. Just as a woman longs to be desired. This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman, that deep yearning to be desired.(29)

He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him--desperately. Eve is [women are] essential. She has an irreplaeable role to play. And so you's see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vistion to make the world a better place. (33)

See?!?! Now doesn't that explain so much?!?! Women rock because God rocks! We are love because God loves! And the coolest part is that God created women to be a helper, sustainer and lifesaver to Adam just as he helps us. The word "help" that is used to describe women in Genesis 2:18 is ezer kenegdo which is the same word that is used to describe God as our Helper. No one else is described that way besides God and Woman. That is a tall glass of water to drink, but when you realize that truth, the shame of being too much or not enough that women often feel melts away.

I hope that this blesses someone. I am going to get back to my book now! Love you!

Do It Yourself Boot Shapers

What do these things have in common? I'll give you a hint. They aren't trash.

They're boot shapers!!!! YAY!!!

Which boot would you rather be?

Declaration Against Depression

The National Institute of Mental Heath says:

An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older — about one in four adults — suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. When applied to the 2004 U.S. Census residential population estimate for ages 18 and older, this figure translates to 57.7 million people.

A mental disorder is just that--a DIS-order, NON-order, an ALTERNATE-order. By mental disorder I mean: depression, eating disorder, panic or anxiety disorder, learning disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder... and the list can go on and on. I have read that America has a prevalent number of mental disorders compared to other countries. Could it be that disorder is just a manifestation of the pain of living--the pain of want?

Everything has a disorder attached to it. So either America is obsessed with disorder or they are consumed by it. I argue that it is a little bit of both. This post will address how we are consumed by disorder--by pain, discomfort, unhappiness, stress, lack of joy or motivation, depression. I need not go into detail about the mass amount of drugs that we are pumping into our bodies, countless "self-help" books and counseling that we turn to deal with the pain of living. I am one of those who has been consumed with the painful reality of living in this imperfect world where babies die, women are tortured and wars kill millions of young men everywhere. I know that everyone would agree with me that we live in a broken world of hurting people--emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally.

God is a God of order,

not confusion and not mental disorder.

As I was getting fed up thinking about all of this I wrote a "Declaration Against Depression" based on Scripture that gives me hope in a hopeless world. By saying these words out loud, I felt a cloud of despair, frustration and feeling overwhelmed leave me. It was replaced with peace, joy and the positive attitute that life is good because God is good and God is Life Everlasting.

Be blessed as you claim these words for yourself.

I, (insert your name), declare freedom against the enemy of depression in my life that is stealing the joy of Jesus Christ away from me. I declare that I will fight daily to die to my fleshly desires and feelings that are not in agreement with the Word of God. I will work as unto the Lord so that I will have more than enough. Because of the LORD's great love I am not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I surrender my body to be used for righteous purposes. Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, And sinners will be converted to You. I laugh at the days to come because I have been covered by the blood of Jesus and have been made perfect in His love. I will use my freedom to love and not to sin. I will make good and healthy choices that are aligned with who He says I am—not the world, not my feelings. The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You support my lot. No power in the sky above or in the earth below–indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God or the promise of a future of hope that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. I have the peace of God living in me. I will not be destroyed for Jesus has overcome this life. My job is to love extravagantly. God is pleased with me when I worship, love and obey Him and since I am commanded to be joyful always and give thanks continually that is the life that I am going to live in Jesus Christ! AMEN!

A Version of the Truth-- Book Review

The front cover of A Version of the Truth by Jennifer Kaufman and Karen Mack describes it as "The Devil Wears Prada meets Walden Pond." Naturally, I am drawn to both of those books, so I pick it up. Plus it has a cute cover as you see and I am a sucker for packaging!

It is a coming of age story and romance about a 30-year-old woman named Cassie, a nature-lover whose husband just died in a car wreck. He was a jerk anyways, so it is actually more of a relief to Cassie--kinda like Kate Chopin's Story of an Hour, but the narrator doesn't die. She takes a job at a university and things change...

It is such a quick and easy read and except for the occasional curse word and casual sex, I highly recommend it for those women over 18 of a good moral foundation. It is one of those books that after you finish it you exclaim, "What a good book!" and bask in that feeling of a happy ending. (Which I needed after watching the movie, Salt with Angelina Jolie.) So, Courtney and Jessica, I do have one copy for loan. I think that you would really enjoy this one. My rating: A-

What is Real?

We have all heard the phrase raw emotion, but what is real emotion? Is it the same? Is it an impossibility—an oxymoron—a paradox? I argue that we embrace the idea of a paradox. Afterall, God Himself is a paradox. Real emotion is real. What is real is what has happened as evidenced by physical, emotional or mental witnesses. It is not what is wrong or right, but what is real. Though they may be wrong, they can still be real and deserve to be acknowledged. So I have been journaling about it and googling about the idea of things real and came across this quote from The Velveteen Rabbit:

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Being real is messy. It takes a long time, because what is real isn't just a simple answer. Being real is about having real emotions. We are alive because we can feel and we feel because we are alive.

What's more is that Jesus said that He came to heal the broken hearted. He didn't come to tell us that we shouldn't be broken hearted, but to heal us. God cares about our emotions. He created them. And expressing our emotions in a constructive way creates room for God to heal us.

All of this may be prompting a book, so please, share your insights and ideas!

Take Me Home

My heart feels like

Scattered pieces

My mind feels like

A thunderstorm.

This world is fallen

Broken bodies

Fix me, Jesus

Take me home.

My Roller-Coaster Ride of a Christian Testimony

I have always considered myself a Christian, but my life has not always reflected that. I grew up knowing about God and loving Him in an abstract way, but I did not have a personal relationship with him. I was born again and saved in the Fall 2001. My life until then was driven completely by the lusts of the flesh. I took part in every kind of immoral behavior. I was so lost and did not even acknowledge God.

When the Twin Towers fell on 9-11, I felt something inside of me that longed to know God. I felt Jesus calling me to live my life for Him and I wanted to! I realized that there was a real evil in the world and that something must be done to save my soul. I went to church with my family and made public what had happened in my heart because of Jesus. I began to read and pray regularly. I received the Holy Spirit and watched God completely transform my life by changing my desires and priorities to be God-centered.

Shortly after this spiritual break-through I became involved in a controlling and unhealthy relationship for three years. I was screaming on the inside, but I was unable to get away from my abusive boyfriend. I tragically fell back into immoral behavior. Again, God had mercy on me and drew me back to him closer than ever and I vowed to live my life God’s way.

During that time, however, I became a model, which was my child-hood dream. I developed an eating disorder, was deeply depressed and inwardly tortured by self-centeredness. I had daily quiet times and immersed myself in the Bible and prayer, but I no longer found joy in life or loving my friends and family. It was the worst time of my life, but God was drawing impurities out of my life and I am so grateful for that.

I finally began to seek help through counseling and anti-depressants. This camouflaged my sickness and depravity until I met my husband, Ashton. I thought that my life was perfect now. I was wrong.

It wasn’t until after we were married that I came to terms with my eating disorder and festering emotional wounds. I worked so hard, memorized every Scripture and read every book to try and get healed. Essentially, I was trying to do God’s job. I would cry for days from the pain and frustration I felt from not feeling better.

I began seeing a Christian counselor with my husband in January 2009. With her help, my husband’s support and God’s healing hand, I began the road to recovery. Then, in September 2009, I went to a ladies retreat with my church. Unlike every other conference, sermon or book that I thought was the magic formula for my healing, I stopped trying to control my healing and completely let God be God. I began to trust my husband more and find my security and identity in Christ alone. The joy of my life and salvation has fully returned.

I have been free from my eating disorder for over a year and half. Everyday, I feel my previous chains of bondage fall off more and more as God saves me from myself daily to die to my selfish ways. I can’t stop telling everyone how great God has been to me by setting me free. I want to live a life emptied out to God’s purpose by writing, speaking and encouraging others, especially girls to hold fast to God’s Truth about their identity. I want to tell them that Jesus is the only way to avoid a life of pain of going down the same path that I did.

God is doing a new thing in my life and I perceive it! He has made a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland of my heart! (Isa. 43:18-19). He had made darkness turn into light before my eyes and will guide me! (Isa. 42: 16). In Him, I have a hope and a future and so do you! (Jer. 29:11).

Search Me

Search me oh God

But I am scared to see

What pains lurk there

Deep within me.

I want to change.

I want to grow.

Heal me Father

This I know--

That I am your child

Chosen and dearly loved.

You fill my heart

With love from above.

Yet life is too much.

I cannot bear

To go on

With out you near.

Close the gap

Between my heart and brain

So that I can praise you--

Always the same.

Change me Father

From the inside out.

Make this soul of mine

Scream and shout.

For your glory--

For your love--

For your healing--

Sweet God above.

Learning to Shine-My Teaching Philosophy

According to Socrates, the only good in this world is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance, but being a teacher is about so much more than simply transferring knowledge. My primary objective as a teacher is to help students discover how to learn and evaluate knowledge toward becoming intelligent, self-controlled and creative members of society who never stop learning. Today, students are in the greatest need for proficiency in thinking, reading and writing. I believe that by focusing on these skills, students will gain control of their education.

Learning

Problem-based learning of the Socratic method is the basis of my pedagogical practice. Open-ended questions encourage independent thinking and reasoning that enables students to form their own conclusions. A constructivist method of student-based learning that builds upon prior knowledge where the teacher is the facilitator and encourager is the best way to achieve this. Furthermore, the education of high-risk students is vital. We must concentrate on what a student can do and build upon that, rather than focusing on what they lack.

Teaching

An effective teacher stays in touch with what matters to students and creates lesson plans that both meet educational criteria and apply to students’ lives. Therefore, preparation, creativity and flexibility are vital to engaging students and keeping their focus. Current events, popular culture and technology are all ways to relate material to student’s lives.

For example, popular songs both engage students and provide real-life examples of poetic devices. Above all, expressing my passion for and knowledge of English is the best way to get students excited about learning and to keep their attention.

Growing

I know from personal experience that journaling is an effective tool for growing. As a result, students will become better communicators and will learn how to express their thoughts and feelings in effective ways. Students can ask questions and work out problems in their journals to learn to be methodical, yet creative and critical thinkers. Finally, a journal becomes a record of students’ reading and writing progress that can be used to set personal learning goals.

To determine my effectiveness as a teacher, student input and feedback is crucial. In addition to keeping an open-door policy of communication with my students, a simple suggestion box can create an anonymous arena where students can voice concerns and difficulties about lessons. When it comes to learning, the boundaries between student and teacher are interchangeable. Essentially, we are all students of life. As a teacher, I should be the biggest learner among students, constantly researching and studying ways to improve as a teacher.

Shining

Reading and writing well has been synonymous with discovering and expressing who I am. Literature has inspired me to take risks and think beyond myself. Simply put, studying English has taught me how to shine. Likewise, every student too is a light, and it is my job to help them to shine for all to see.