When Trials Come Your Way...

I would like to say the reason that I haven’t written in my blog lately is because I have been utterly consumed with my job and have had no time, although that is totally true. Perhaps the main reason I have not written more is because what I have been going through is so hard and so personal that I hesitated to share it because the feelings were so raw, I didn't know how transparent I could be. Transparency is the best way to be. Let's just start with the facts.

This has been a crazy year.

The year 2011 started off with the planning of my littlest sister’s wedding on May 21. All the while, I am unhappy subbing and looking for full time work and insurance so that Ashton and I could start planning our family. An answered prayer happened May 5^th when I was offered a full time teaching job in the fall. We took a much needed 3-week vacation in Florida during the summer. During that time, my other sister found out she was pregnant and Ashton’s grandmother found out she had cancer. There were also personal family issues with which I was dealing. We came back and it was time to get ready for the school year.

Before the job had even started I was unbelievably overwhelmed. Right after the first of the school year, Ashton’s grandmother passed away, a dear friend lost her life to a life-long battle with Cystic Fibrosis at only 26 years old, and I turned 30. I was constantly on the verge of tears that I would cry at anything. I have longed for 30 for so long because to me, it would be the age that I would be able to officially put the insecurity and foolishness of my 20’s behind me. How silly of me to think that I would magically change, as the clock struck midnight on August 29^th as if I were Cinderella. God would magically change me, but it wouldn’t be instant, that is for sure.

The past semester teaching has been the absolutely most difficult time in my life--constantly crying, wanting to quit every day. Words do not explain the pressure, stress and emotions that I felt—and still do. I am prone to be dramatic, however I say the following with certainty: My first semester teaching has been far more difficult than my dad passing away suddenly 3 months before I got married. And at the moment it seems more difficult than the torture-filled 3 years I spent battling an eating disorder. If this feeling were to last 3 years than it would with out a doubt be worse. The only thing I can compare the way I feel is to is the 3 years I spent in an emotionally abusive relationship, feeling trapped and powerless while everything in me literally screamed to get out. I am not comparing the situations, but rather the way I felt.

Perhaps the best way to explain it would be how Ashton does. He compares it to an illustration he once heard about a young child who gets a poisonous chemical splashed in his eyes. As his mother and father held his eye open under the water faucet to flush out the poison, he screams, “I hate you, mom and dad, I hate you!” because of the torturous pain. Although his parents knew it was best for their child to get the poison out, they were crying too because it hurt them to see their baby in such pain.

But only I am that child, screaming as God holds me under the faucet to get the poison out of my life.

It was truly the perfect storm: A first-year teacher at a first-year school teaching 6, 7, 8 and 9^th grade English with no books, no computers or technology, no white board, no desks, no lesson plans—only a confusing mess of CSCOPE curriculum.

But God…

Only God could orchestrate such a perfect storm. He knows that I have to go through this and deep down inside, I know that God is Lord over my situation. His handiwork is so obvious throughout all of this. I work with the most amazing people. God knew that this would be tough so he has placed me in the company of such a godly group of people to protect and comfort me. Despite the impossible circumstances, my work environment is always positive, uplifting and covered with prayer. The miraculous help that God has sent my way proves that He is leading me by a way I do not know and guiding me along unfamiliar paths. He is turning darkness into light before me and making the crooked places smooth. He is doing these things and He WILL NOT FORSAKE ME (Isaiah 42:16).

Nevertheless, this remains the hardest thing I have ever been through.

I know that it is so hard because I am trying to do all of the things that He wants to do through me. I don’t get how to stop striving and trying so hard because that is all I’ve ever done. Plus, I really am in a real situation that is really impossible. I am not simply making this up. I have a right to feel this way, right? Don't answer that. But how do you just stop trying when you have no clue how to? God knows that if I knew how to, I would take the credit for it and that is not what He wants.

Giving up control happens everyday, in the trenches when the enemy’s fire is relentless and my emotions are out of control.

I will say: I give it to you, God. I trust you. I will be joyful in this moment.

I know that I must consider it pure joy when trials come my way because God is perfecting my faith (James 1:2), but truthfully I look forward to the time that this is all over and I can look back in retrospect at the greatest year of my life. I know that I won’t even recognize myself when this thing is over and for that I must give God praise.