Becoming Beautiful

This is a shot from my very first test shoot when I became a professional model in 2006. When I look at this it makes me sad because I believed that I should look like the world said that I should in order to be of any value. I had an eating disorder--I know that now. I still struggle with having an eating disorder especially now that I have gained 20 or 25 lbs. I don't weigh myself so I don't know for sure. I wanted to post this to remind myself and others how small and sickly I got.

I also want to add that an eating disorder is any form of an unhealthy relationship with food no matter what it is or how you look. I look completely normal now, but the truth is I am not free from the eating disorder mindset yet. Now that God has opened my eyes to this world, I see that most women have some degree or another of an eating disorder. What makes me mad about this is that eating disorders are not taken seriously enough. Most of the time they are misunderstood. They are either applauded as a means to do what ever necessary to be skinny or shunned as if you have leprosy. If someone says they have an eating disorder, why don't we take it as seriously as we do when someone says they have cancer? All that this does is to further push those with tendencies to develop an eating disorder further into its grasps. I used to think that because I wasn't skinny enough, I didn't have an eating disorder. Believing this lie almost ruined my life. With the help of God, counseling and a supportive family, I am beginning to claim back my life.

It's crazy to me that during the time that I modeled and afterwards as my eating disorder persisted, the skinnier I got, the fatter I felt. I'm proud to show off my body now because I have worked harder now to become healthy physically, spiritually and mentally than I ever did in my pursuit to be a small as possible. I am learning to love my body as God made it.

I also wanted to post this pic of me and my beautiful sister at Christmas 2009, because this is how God intended my body to be--curvy with hips! I remember when I saw this picture I thought, I look like a woman! I am becoming beautiful because I am becoming the woman that God created me to be!

Why am I writing about this? Am I bragging or asking for attention? I will let the following Scripture answer these questions:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)