My dad died just over a year ago.
It happened suddenly and I still struggle with understanding it all. Just last night I was thinking about him--like I often do. I don't know how to tell my future children what happened to Grandpa. --"My dad was killed in an accident with a gun. It went off while it was in his hand in front of his dad, my grandpa."-- I read that to myself and I want to pretend that it is someone else that I am reading about, but it's not. I don't think about that part of it much because its so awful, but I still don't know how to make since of it all. I know that it was God's will because he was saved. But I still miss him a lot and I wonder what he thought of when he realized that he had been shot and was going to die. I wonder if he thought of us girls. I’m pretty sure he did. What did he think about us though? Did he think about my wedding? He never got to see the ring that Ashton gave me on my hand. Lord, I acknowledge that you saved him and that you had your hand on him the whole time, but it still hurts and I still miss him. Maybe as the craziness of last year has faded it is now becoming more real to me that my dad is gone. My children will never know him. I never got to have that one last dance with him at my wedding. I don’t get to talk to him about Jesus and watch him grow in faith. He would have had so much fun at the wedding and the engagement party and the rehearsal dinner. He never got to see me in my wedding dress. I know that he would be so proud of me and I know that he is because he is in heaven looking down on me. But I never got to see the look of his face when he saw me being so happy with Ashton. He never got to hang out with Reed (my father in law) and talk about lawn work or cooking out. Haley’s future husband is not going to be able to ask him for her hand in marriage.
It is not fair. This sucks so much.
I keep on wanting to write down all of the details that surrounded his death but I am afraid. I want to run away. I don’t want to do anything because my dad suddenly died and I never got to say good-bye.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Ashton took my dad out to breakfast. He had a ring picked out for 6 weeks because he knew that he wanted to marry me. I had no idea. Someone had almost ruined it because they told me congratulations while we were out at brunch. They knew, but Ashton hadn’t asked me yet. Earlier that week, Ashton had set up a date for us on Saturday. Little did I know that he was going to ask me to be his wife. Anyway, Ashton had my ring with him and showed it to my dad as he asked him for my hand in marriage. Ashton said that my dad was overcome with emotions. He was so honored that Ashton had asked him. He said that he even teared up. Oh, how I wish I could have seen my dad’s face. I wish that I could hear him tell me how it happened. I always loved his stories. He had three daughters, but didn’t get to go to three weddings. Even if he didn’t get to see the wedding, he saw the ring and gave Ashton permission to marry me. He thought that it was very respectful of Ashton. He couldn’t be more proud.
Later that day, my dad talked to me. He didn’t mention a word of his meeting with Ashton on the phone. We just talked about life like we always do. He had recently accepted Jesus as his Savior that Easter and so he had a lot of questions. I was comforted that he was asking questions because he wanted to learn more about God’s plan for him. Praise God! He had been reading Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life. I would always ask him how far he had gotten. He would shrug it off and say that he flipped thorough it every once in a while.
“Daddy, its not that kind of book,” I said. “You are supposed to read one chapter per day so that you will understand God’s plan for your life.”
To this he remarked, “I already know what my purpose in life was. It was to raise three beautiful daughters.”
“No, that’s not it, Daddy,” I said. “You’re still alive. God isn’t done with you yet.”
The next day was Saturday--the day Ashton would ask me to be his wife with my dad’s blessing. When Ashton asked me I called my mom first, but then I called my dad. He was so happy for me. I loved hearing the love for us in his voice as he told me how glad he was. I was ecstatic! That was the last time I would talk to him.
Ashton and I went out of town to California for a Triathlon. I kept on thinking that I should call my dad and tell him how much fun we were having, but I never did. On May 6, 2008, Ashton and I were driving to the airport to fly back to Arlington. I was so excited that I was going to get to start planning my wedding! My mom called as we were driving. She was very upset and crying and said that my dad had been shot in an accident. I was shocked and confused. She said to just pray and then hung up. I told Ashton and immediately. I grabbed his hand and started praying. Tears were pouring down my face because I had heard the urgency and seriousness in my mom’s voice. I rarely heard her sound like that unless she was really scared. Afterwards, Ashton and I talked and I began to feel a little better, but I was so scared. I couldn’t stop my mind from going over possible situations. It must be a misunderstanding, but I still couldn’t get the sound of my mom’s panicked voice out of my head. As we were pulling in to gas up the rent-a-car before we returned it my sister Haley called.
She was crying and said, “Daddy’s dead. He’s dead.”
I lost it. I had never felt anything like it. I kept saying no, no, no as if I could stop it.
“He’s not going to walk you down the isle at your wedding,” she said.
“I know,” I said crying harder. Every muscle in my body was tense. I was kicking my legs and flailing around as I sobbed violently. I curled up in a little ball as best as I could because my heart hurt so badly. I couldn’t believe what had just happened to me. Ashton asked me if my dad was ok.
“He’s dead,” I said but I couldn’t believe what I had just spoken. My dad was dead. Just like that. Gone.
The next few hours were surreal. I went into the gas station bathroom and cried and screamed. We got back into the car and returned it. We went through airport security. Would these people know that my dad just died? I felt weak. It all was like a dream, yet I was awake. I sat and cried in the airport terminal. I immediately started writing what I would say at the funeral. I was so upset, but I couldn’t help but smile knowing that my dad was in heaven. He had been saved for 2 weeks when he died.
The wedding was in 3 months and the funeral was in 3 days. Funeral arrangements needed to be made. I couldn’t be upset and morn because we had to make decisions quickly. My mom helped so much, but I pretty much just shut down. Funeral. The get-together afterwards. I struggled to make sense of what had just happened. I kept on thinking that I needed to call my dad and say hi. Oh. He’s dead, I would remind myself. Over and over this happened. I would get excited about family functions coming up because I would get to see my dad. Other times, I would think that I saw him walking around. My heart would leap and then it would sink. He was dead.
My dreams weren’t much different. I would see him, but then he would disappear as if someone was playing a trick on me. I would see him and then I would remember that he was dead. When I looked again, he was gone. I wanted God to let me talk to him again in my dreams.
One night I got to.
He appeared like an angel and I knew that he was. He looked so young and healthy. I touched him and he was warm. I got to hug him.
“Daddy, how did you like your funeral?”
“It was really good, ya’ll did a good job.”
“Daddy, what is heaven like? Is there beautiful music everywhere you go?”
“Yeah, it’s nice. You know they were right about that no-pain thing.”
“And Daddy, I got my wedding dress. I want you to see me walk down the isle. I’m walking by myself, Daddy.”
“I will be there,” he said.
I had other dreams like these, but this one was a gift from God. My dad was going to be there at my wedding after all. He had told me himself.
IF YOU HAVE A FAMILY MEMBER WHO IS NOT SAVED, IT IS NOT TOO LATE! My dad was only saved for 2 weeks. Then he died. He had never had faith in Jesus and I KNOW that God was in control and saved my dad. Who would have known? And if that's not enough reason to believe that there is a God in Heaven who loves us and sent His Only Son to die for us then I don't know what is.
