Sweet Jesus

I am on a roll today with these blog posts--This is #3! I guess that being snow/iced in is a good thing for creative writing! Here is a new poem (could also be song lyrics!) I just put together today called "Sweet Jesus."

My spirit is free

To pray and rejoice

To flap its wings

For this is my choice

In the Spirit I live

Because you forgive

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

To You I give in

You hold me captive

My soul at ease

Because of Your love

It takes me in

And brings me above

My troubles I face

Enemies in every place

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

You calm me and keep me

Because of God’s grace

My heart at rest

In Jesus’ hands

The Truth remains

washing over the land

like waves on the shore

I am hungry for more

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

You give me what I

Have been looking for

Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus

You are what I

Have been dying for

Angel

This is a poem I wrote about my journey as a Christian and the bondage that I came under after I was saved. It is about how God set me free after he saved my soul.

My spirit heard the Truth.

And liked how it sounded.

It was like a vine growing to the sound of music in a garden.

But I did not build a wall around my garden of truth.

And the wolves came and chewed out the vine.

They were still hungry and so I fed them more.

Weeds of lies choked out the spirit of truth.

The fruit never ripened and my soul was in despair.

How could you let this happen? My soul screamed.

I can’t go on any longer, My spirit cried.

My heart grew deceitful and evil grew from within.

I hated my garden then.

I wanted to run away—

I wanted to fly away like a bird

But never return.

But I would keep flying and falling into the quicksand of death.

Though I would not return, it would return to me.

I wanted to do good, but I did not know how.

I only knew how to feed the wolves.

And so I did for many years,

Until I was spared.

My angel was a young girl with long blonde hair

It was stringy, yet soft and smelled of powder.

I thought that it would touch the ground.

She did not have wings, but she carried a mirror.

It was embellished with jewels and looked far too heavy for her to carry.

But she held it softly as if it were a butterfly.

She came up to me and held it to my heart.

I was afraid of what she would see, so I flinched and closed my eyes, afraid to look.

But I felt something encouraging me.

It is okay, He said to me and so I saw.

I no longer saw the garden of weeds and death.

But a butterfly on a flower.

I no longer heard the screams for help.

I saw the sun and felt the breeze.

Who was this girl with the mirror? I wondered.

She smiled and then I knew.

That girl was me.

I Don't Like the Way You are Treating my Daughter

“I don’t like the way you are treating my daughter.” This is what God told me at a two-day church retreat called Kairos, which means “an appointed time with God.” I knew that He was talking about me and how I was treating myself. I am too hard on myself. Way too hard. This often carries over onto other people, especially in my marriage. A few days prior to this I wrote this in my journal:

God just showed me that I still hate myself. I don’t, but I know that He is right. I am constantly irritated or depressed or overwhelmed or angry or hurt. How have I gone on for so long? I need to get set free to BE myself. But who am I?

I am a creative, contemplative free-spirited girl. I absolutely love having fun and laughing. Something inside of me likes the person that I am. Its not true that I am always irritated or depressed, but I feel like something isn’t right inside of me and it has been like that for a long time. As I look back over my past journal entries, I see a common theme: pain, melancholy, doubt and fear. I can’t pin point when all this started. Then the lines I wrote occurred to me:

My heart feels like

Scattered pieces

My mind feels like

A thunderstorm.

This world is fallen

Broken bodies

Fix me, Jesus

Take me home.

We live in a fallen world of pain and death. Life is hard, but we have eternity buried deep with in us which makes us yearn for more. Surrender what you have, everything you can see for what you can’t see. Give it all away, all of the hurt and pain inside of you.

“So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (2. Cor. 4:18, NLT)

Don’t you just love God’s Word! It is my Rock and my Sanity in this fallen world. I just can not get enough of it! Not only everything that I see now, but those feelings of hurt, pain, fear, doubt, anxiety, depression and insecurity will soon be gone! Hallelujah!

Lord, let my eyes be fixed upon you so that I can endure until this fallen world has passed away and everything in it. FIX ME JESUS, TAKE ME HOME!

Pursuit of Happiness

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time. ~Edith Wharton

Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Misery is almost always the result of thinking. ~Joseph Joubert

Eden is that old-fashioned house we dwell in every day
Without suspecting our abode until we drive away.
~Emily Dickinson

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase: if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. ~C.P. Snow

I just want to be happy. Who doesn't? I just heard a quote about those who seek happiness are the most miserable people. And there seems to be a lot of truth in the phrase: "blissful ignorance." Happiness is not a place as we tend to think. It is like the American Dream. Everyone wants it and most people think that they are on the way to obtain it, but like happiness, the American Dream is an illusion. Really the only thing that exists is The Kingdom of God.

I recently learned that the answer to our problems is not found in the solution. Rather, the answer to our problems is found in seeking the Kingdom of God. Matthew 6:33 says: " But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Philippians 1:11 says: " May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation-- the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ for this will bring much glory and praise to God.

We must understand that the "Pursuit of Happiness" is a superficial and endless journey. (And when I say "we," I mean "I"!) Women especially have this trouble because we think so much and we feel so much. I have been told that men actually have the capability to think of absolutely nothing. Then does that mean that they have achieved blissful ignorance? Possibly! All I'm saying is that I want to be happy and I want you to be happy, but more than that, we have to seek to bring God glory and praise and to love each other.

There is so much more to life than being happy. When we realize that, then we will be free to be truly happy. Only then, it will be more joy than happiness!

And Why Do You Worry About Clothes?

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matt. 6:25-34 NIV)

There I was again—having a breakdown in the closet. Ladies, you know what I mean. Nothing fits, you feel fat, you don’t have anything to wear, this needs to be ironed— and I’m running late.

Over the past few years, this has been the story of my life. I don’t know how many countless times my husband found me in tears in my closet as I declared that I am not going anywhere anymore because I am too fat and don’t have any clothes. Before it was my husband, it was my sister who found me like this. This has been an on-going thing. I have gained a healthy amount of weight since battling eating disorder and the last time I was this size was almost a decade ago. I found myself honestly having little clothes that fit (especially for a creative person who loves fashion like myself) or if they did fit, they were picked out by a much younger version of myself. A nearly 30-year-old does not need to wear what a 20-year-old would wear.

When I was discussing this problem (OK freaking out because I wanted $5,000 like they get on What Not To Wear to buy a new wardrobe) with my wise and precious husband, he told me to pray about it and quoted me Philipians 4:6: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. I am not unfamiliar with this concept. After all, I am the girl who wrote out my list of requirements for a husband, gave it to God and prayed over it. Then I met and married Ashton who was above and beyond all I could have wanted him to be (Eph. 3:20). So, I did the same with my wardrobe dilemma. I wrote out my prayer request entitled, “A Substantial Wardrobe” and included the quantity of articles of clothing I thought would make that true. Well, I didn’t get exactly what was on that list, but what I did get was so much more!

My sister house-sits for a precious Christian family whom God has blessed financially because of their faithfulness. They gave Haley a big box of designer clothes that they were getting rid of, most of which were my size! Today I tried them on and kept most of them! Not only were they a perfect fit, they were my style exactly! Now, don’t get me wrong, I love designer clothing, but I could never really afford it—not with my budget and how much I love to shop. So, I have been happy with Target, Ross, TJ Maxx and Express like most people. After I brought home all of those beautiful garments, I felt kind of silly because deep down inside I guess I thought that God did not care about me having plenty of cute and stylish clothes that flattered me and made me feel beautiful because He wanted me to be content with what I had. We should be content, but that doesn’t mean that we will not be blessed!

So, here I stand corrected. God ROCKS and he has good taste in clothing! (I’m talking Marc Jacobs, Nanette Lepore, Juicy Couture, Rock Revival and Tory Burch.) But why wouldn’t He? After all, he is God. He is the one who clothes the lilies of the field and dressed King Solomon in all of his splendor! (Mat. 6:28-29). (Believe me, kings do not wear rags.)

As I think about what God has done for me, I am overcome by His generosity and faithfulness. He is a God who meets needs—EVERY. SINGLE. NEED. (Even the kinda materialistic ones just because he can. J) Thank you Jesus!

Who am I Lord, that you look upon me? (Psalm 8:4). Who am I that should receive such gifts? I am the daughter of the Most High (Luke 6:35). I am the daughter of my Heavenly Father who knows me and gives me the desires of my heart because He knows how to give good gifts (Psalm 37:4, Mat. 7:11).

You can pray for ANYTHING, and if you have faith, you will receive it (Mat. 21:22 NLT).

There Would Never be a Today...

Tomorrow is that far off gaze that overtakes us when we are tired and have a moment to rest. It’s when our thoughts drift to a moment of peace when we know that everything is OK. Tomorrow is in our spirit, our blood and our soul. We pray for tomorrow, hope for tomorrow and live for tomorrow. We will do that tomorrow. We will be better tomorrow. If we could just make it until tomorrow…

Tomorrow is the material of hope that makes us all the same. For the widow, it means to grow in healing and to fill in the gaping void in her life. For the old man with cancer, it means to be able to die and live again in heaven, pain free. For the teenage girl, it means to accept her body as beautiful and stop wishing that she was thinner, curvier or taller. For the young boy it means to have friends that would stop teasing him about his lazy eye. For the newlywed wife, it means to trust that her husband really does love her even though he stays consumed with work. For the lonely man, it means that he would heal his broken heart and find someone to share life and love. For the sick grandmother, it means being able to live long enough to see her only grandson get marry his bride. For the homeless young man, it means to get a bus ticket to see his great aunt, his only family. For the alcoholic, it means to make it another day with out ending up at the bar at night. For the single woman, it means to find peace and happiness with out taking too many pills.

For me, tomorrow means that I will have died just a little bit more to myself so that I can grow in love towards my family and friends. Tomorrow is the promise that I will hurt less because I would have finally gotten the lesson that I needed to learn today. Tomorrow is the hope that I would have made a difference today. Tomorrow is the day that my dreams will come true. But why do I have to wait until tomorrow? Why can’t I have tomorrow today? Tomorrow increases my faith and joy and life because with out tomorrow, there would never be a today.

And for the person reading this essay, tomorrow means— what ever you need it, dream it or want it to mean.

Let it Fall to the Ground

But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ. (Phil. 3:7-8 NASB)

We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. (2 Cor. 10:5 NLT)

Once I wrote in desperation that I need to be so dependant on God that everything else around me call fall to the ground. That is kind of extreme, but I have learned that unless I have that attitude I will try and hold on to things that I should let go and try to focus on things that are not worthy of my time and energy. My striving, my pride, my selfish desires, my flesh, my bad attitude, my feelings, my cares, my worries-- Everything needs to fall to the ground. Let it hit the floor. I don’t care. Scripture says that these things are rubbish, garbage, worthless. Webster's Bible Translation even calls them “dung”! That means that they stink! We need to flush these things down the toilet where they belong.

Why don’t we do this? Why is it so hard to shake these things? Because we don’t want to. The truth be told, I don’t always want to shake my bad habits and sit down quietly with God because I don’t feel like it. I want to zone out and not think. It’s hard and I’m tired. Plus, how am I supposed to stop feeling a certain way? I am sick of fighting.

It is a lie to believe that we should not fight. These things are worth us fighting to get rid of because on the other side is “more and better life than [we] ever dreamed of” (John 10:10 TMB). These things are keeping me from the joy and healing that Jesus came to give (Psalms 147:3).

Lord, heal your people from a spirit of slumber. We don’t want to be casual Christians. We don’t want to live a luke-warm life. I am sick of living a dulled life because of fear and weariness. Come into our lives and have your way, Jesus. Give us rest because you promised and you love us. Thank you for that Truth. Amen.

A Conversation with God

Gateway Church is doing a series on Hearing God. Today's message was about what it means to be God's friend. I was reminded of this vignette I wrote several years ago. Enjoy this new-to-you bit of creative writing from my heart to yours.

God held out his hand to me and on it I saw my name written. We were alone, nothing else mattered. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I don’t even know what I was going to say. But just then, God put his fingers to my lips and said, “Shhh, my child, save your words. I know your heart.” I wanted to cry, but then I realized that I had forgotten how. Instead I laughed like I didn’t know I could. And like music to my soul, God laughed too.

His Love Covers Me

These song lyrics came just in time. I was denied health insurance coverage due to my history of eating disorder. I had just come from the gym and this was the last song on my iPod that I heard. When I got the news that I had been denied, I broke down and cried. I cried because I want to have babies and I thought that I could never be covered because of a stupid lie that I needed to be super skinny. Then God whispered to me: My love covers you and I was reminded of this song, still fresh in my mind. Thank you, Jesus for that truth!!!

"All I Need" by J.J. Heller

I don't need a thing

My good shepherd brings me all

You are all I need

You let me catch my breath

Even in the valley of death

You are all I need



All I need to be complete is your love

Your blood that covers me



You lift up my head

You provide the wine and bread

You are all I need

There's no need to fear

Even with my enemies here

You are all I need



All I need to be complete is your love

Your blood that covers me



Goodness and mercy are following me

You are all that I need

You make a home for me

With pastures of green as far as I see

You are all I need



All I need to be complete is your love

Your blood that covers me

A Woman's Heart Reveals God

A woman's heart is very special to God.

He cares about our hurt feelings and emotions

that often don't make sense.

This is because He loves us,

but also because he places His heart in a woman

to reveal something special about

His nature.

Here are 2 points that are on my heart that I have been learning to embrace about God's heart and my own:

1. God is a jealous God. God is also a compassionate God. He constantly commands, points and draws us to himself because he is the best thing for us. If he didn't then he would not love us because he would not be showing us Himself. He would just be letting us try to figure it out on our own. That is true love. That is why he is jealous. That is why he points us to himself over and over in the Bible. ("You shall have no other gods besides me" ring a bell?)

Sadly, however, while I was googling, I came across the sad misconception below:

If he [God] was a person would you love him or would you think he was manipulative psychotic control freak? Now consider that he has set up a system of constant surveillance to watch you all the time. He says he loves you, and if you don't love him and worship him he will burn you, for all eternity. Would you let your daughter see such a man?

(from http://mwillett.org/atheism/jealous-god.htm)

Lord, help us. This website encourages atheism and tries to claim that God doesn't love us and is actually a big meanie. The reason? A sorry excuse to live life as they want to. If there is no God, then there are no rules to live by. They say, Let's instead live by the rules of ourselves and trust in little gods who sit on our shelves. Sad, empty and plain untrue. Lord, help the people who are missing you. Soften their hearts and just love on them so that they will know your perfect love!

The Truth is that God LOVES US!!! Before I put God first (and believe me it is a constant battle to keep him there; our hearts are prone to wonder), my life made no sense. I had no hope. The Love of God is so essential to life that with out it you are not really living. There is nothing like knowing that you were made for a purpose--a great purpose! And that we are sons and daughters of the King. Royalty! Who would not want to be royalty!? I know that I am a princess! Thank you God!

2. God has put his heart in Woman's heart.

I am re-reading Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge. (A beautiful book and a must-read! The first time I read it, I wept because it was like someone was reading my heart to me and the second time has proved no different and I am only in Chapter 2!) John suggests, "When you are with a woman, ask yourself, what is she telling me about God? It will open up wonders for you" (26). Here are some amazing excerpts that explain why women are the way they are:

God longs to be desired. Just as a woman longs to be desired. This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman, that deep yearning to be desired.(29)

He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him--desperately. Eve is [women are] essential. She has an irreplaeable role to play. And so you's see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vistion to make the world a better place. (33)

See?!?! Now doesn't that explain so much?!?! Women rock because God rocks! We are love because God loves! And the coolest part is that God created women to be a helper, sustainer and lifesaver to Adam just as he helps us. The word "help" that is used to describe women in Genesis 2:18 is ezer kenegdo which is the same word that is used to describe God as our Helper. No one else is described that way besides God and Woman. That is a tall glass of water to drink, but when you realize that truth, the shame of being too much or not enough that women often feel melts away.

I hope that this blesses someone. I am going to get back to my book now! Love you!